


Satellite

by ginsbergsunflowers



Series: Afterlight Saga [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Twins, Angst, Brief Underage Drinking, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Lowkey PTSD, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, Series, Slow Burn, and remains a sweetheart, brief recreational drug use, in multiple characters, it's just weed calm down, jacob black goes untouched by smeyer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:39:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 55,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22946416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ginsbergsunflowers/pseuds/ginsbergsunflowers
Summary: "Our wills and fates do so contrary run, that our devices still are overthrown; our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own."Hamlet, Act III, Scene II
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jacob Black/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Afterlight Saga [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1488659
Comments: 63
Kudos: 151





	1. From Now On

Footsteps bounded down the stairs and Bella froze mid chew of her bite of cereal and Charlie looked up from his newspaper as Alex rounded the corner. 

“Got everything packed?” Charlie asked and sipped his coffee. Summer light filtered through the kitchen window and illuminated the column of steam curling above his mug.

“Everything but Jake’s stuff — we’re meeting the others at the park entrance,” Alex said and bustled around looking for the truck keys. Bella considered saying she’d left them on the table next to the mail when she got home last night from hanging out with Edward, but she said nothing.

Charlie spotted the keys from under an envelope and rattled them in the air as he held them out for Alex. “Be back by Sunday, no drinking, clean up after yourselves—”

“Yes, Dad, I know, I know.” Alex snatched the keys from him and grabbed his hoodie off the back of a kitchen table chair. “I’m about to be late, I told Jake I’d pick him up by eleven,” he said breathlessly and glanced at the clock that read 10:45. 

He sped to the front door and Charlie called out after him. “Stay out of trouble!”

Alex smiled crookedly and rolled his eyes as he hurried into the truck. “Wrong kid, Dad,” he snickered to himself and started the engine.

Barely a week into the clear-skied summer Embry and Quil had decided a camping trip was in need before the nice weather disappeared — Alex had instantly climbed on board and helped them convince Jacob to commit too. Paul hadn’t needed any convincing however, as he had just shed his permit and gained a fresh license, eager to take advantage of his new freedom, which worked out quite well since there was limited room in the truck.

When Alex reached the Black’s house Jacob ran out the front door before he could even honk, a duffel bag thrown over one shoulder and a beaming smile on his face that rivaled the bright rays of the sun.

Jacob threw his bag into the bed of the truck with the rest of their belongings and swung into the passenger seat. As Alex took off back down the road he tossed a cassette to him with a wide closed lipped grin. 

“What’s this?” Jacob frowned and inspected the tape — ‘Pt. 2’ it read in black sharpie across the front. Jacob broke into a grin and flung his arms around Alex’s shoulders. 

Alex bashfully pushed him off while barely managing not to swerve. “Are you trying to kill us!”

Instead of answering, Jacob ejected the tape from the stereo and put his new one in to play on their long drive, practically bouncing in his seat.

“When did you start this one?” he asked. “You never mentioned you had part two in the works.”

“I started it after getting home from prom night, but that was only the first song. The others were a slow work in progress until a couple days ago.” Alex looked over at him, eyes shining with pride.

They rode with the windows down, the way they liked, and soaked in the warm breeze. There were no dark clouds in sight, and according to the forecast they had meticulously kept track of there would be no rain for at least a whole week.

The drive passed quickly between Jacob's rapt attention on the music and his and Alex's banter over letting him drive the truck for a little while. When they neared the park they spotted Paul's car, stuffed full of equipment and two other boys, and Alex drove up to his driver's side so Paul and Jacob could shout to one another from open windows. They agreed to drive along the dirt road until they came across a good enough space for the five of them. 

Paul took off into the trees with the truck on his tail. They rode up and down winding hilly roads and deeper into the bright green nature until Embry waved a hand out the back window and motioned for them to pull over. He'd spied a potential campsite. Through a weedy, wide path between the trees was a circular clearing in front of a river stream. 

Eager to settle in and explore, the boys clumsily put up their three tents, set out firewood by the depression in the ground that would soon again be a fire pit, and hastily unloaded their cars and threw the rest of their belongings in their tents, content to worry about the little things later.

Quil was the first to race to the thin shoreline barely ten feet from their site and step into the river. The others followed close behind and waded in to relish the cool water under the rare hot sunshine. 

"Hey guys!" Quil shouted from where he floated farther out. He pointed downstream to a low cliff hanging over the water.

It looked to be only a few minutes trek from their campsite, but overgrown brush and decayed fallen trees blocked the shoreline and narrowed it into near nonexistence. They turned on their heels and ran back onto land to find a way around, hiking until they reached an incline. They followed it up and emerged onto a rocky ledge that overlooked the glittering river. 

Alex and Quil could glimpse their own little clearing from where they peered over the edge of the cliff, their cautious postures maintaining balance so close to the ledge that suddenly seemed much higher up than before.

Without taking his eyes off the steep drop Quil nudged Alex. “You go first.”

“No you.”

Alex and Quil locked eyes and waited for the other to make a move.

Behind them, away from the edge by several yards, the other three boys watched. 

“I bet Quil jumps first,” Embry whispered to Jacob.

Quil broke his tense stare with Alex and a devilish smirk slid across his face. “You’re about to lose that bet,” he said and pushed Alex before he could react. 

He watched Alex splash into the water with a magnificently smug grin, unaware that Paul crept up behind him. Paul rushed Quil and sent him floundering into the river after Alex with a shriek. Jacob followed right behind Paul, ready to give him a taste of his own devious medicine, but Paul whipped around — prepared for the surprise attack — and grabbed Jacob by the arms and leapt over the edge before he could push himself away. 

Embry erupted into laughter and ran to the end of the cliff to see them fall. Cheers echoed from the water below, teasing him to jump in. 

“What are you, scared, Call?” Paul taunted. “Come on, I’ve seen you jump from higher than this!”

Embry snickered at him and backed away from the edge to take a running leap into the river.

The rest of their afternoon was spent cliff diving and dunking one another — the lightness of freedom from adults and supervision and school swimming along with them. When the first signs of sunset encroached they swam upstream to the shore of their camp to set up for the night. Jacob and Embry prepared a fire while Paul and Alex rearranged their vehicles to sit in front of the path connecting their campsite to the road, like a gate blocking off the rest of the world. 

Quil busied himself with finding and dragging over two narrow logs by their campfire, and by the time they broke out the food and recongregated around the fire, Paul had reclined the entire length of one of the logs by himself. Shaking his head, Alex grabbed a particularly wide, squat piece of firewood from their pile and set it upright to make an additional seat for himself, not wanting to crowd Embry and Quil. 

Jacob tried to shove Paul’s feet off the log to open up space, but Paul only raised a flippant brow and remained unmovable. Jacob tried again, shoving harsher, but Paul only grinned with satisfaction.

“Dude,” Jacob scoffed.

“Alex figured something else out.” Paul cocked his head and smirked.

Jacob gaped at him for a moment before walking away in defeat. After a moment of consideration he dropped down to sit in front of Alex with a sigh, leaning his back against Alex's shins and crossing his long legs out in front of him. 

The five boys chatted into the growing night with tiredness seeping in. As Alex let himself fall away from the conversation he unconsciously played with the silken black hair that had accidentally draped over his knee, curling strands between his fingers absentmindedly. It wasn’t until his eyelids grew heavy that Jacob became aware of the soft brush of fingers in his hair. 

Jake turned his head the slightest bit to peak at Alex from the corner of his eyes, and a smirk pulled on the corner of his lips. Alex dropped the strand he'd had between his fingers, feeling caught without realizing he’d been doing something that constituted being caught. A quiet laugh curled from Jake and he turned his head back to watch the fire. “I didn't say you had to stop,” he whispered.

Alex couldn't tell if it was the heat of the flames making his face feel warm or if it was something else he didn't want to acknowledge, but he tentatively threaded his fingers back between the smooth locks, and Jacob forced his eyes to stay open as the sensation nearly lulled him to sleep. 

If any of the others noticed they didn’t say anything.

Not long later the moon rose high enough to hang in the circle of sky between tree branches and their fire dwindled to hot coals and blanketed them in darkness. The group decided to call it a night.

As Embry and Quil climbed into their tent Embry threatened the rest of them. “If anyone snores too loud I'm putting you in the river while you sleep.”

“I second that,” Alex said tiredly as he settled beneath his blanket.

“What if you're the one who snores,” Paul gibed from inside his tent, door still hanging open.

“I'm not,” Embry replied shortly and zipped their tent closed.

“But what if? Do we have permission to throw you in the river?”

“I’ll do it myself if he does!” Quil piped up from inside their tent, followed by a thwack of Embry hitting him with a pillow. “And Jacob will help me!” Another thwack.

“Sure sure,” Jake yawned and closed off his and Alex’s tent and sank onto his sleeping bag.

—

Flashes of fire in the forest, red flickered around him too fast to keep track of. A gust of sharp cold rushed over him as the flames stalked closer. Then the fire was on him. Icy flames licked down his back like hungry fingers, so cold it burned like frostbite, burned like real fire should.

And then Alex woke up. 

He’d had the dream before, or ones similar to it, on and off for weeks. On most nights with these dreams Alex would grow paranoid — wanting to check that his window was locked but too scared to so much as dangle a foot off his bed, let alone stand up and walk across his bedroom. He listened to the sleeping forest just beyond the thin tent walls as he waited for the paranoia to morph into something monstrous, creeping through his mind like a monster creeping through the woods, waiting to strike. But the fear fizzled out before it could take hold of him. 

The slow rhythmic breathing of Jacob a foot away was like aloe to his imaginary burns, soothing the sting of his anxiety. He matched his own breathing to it and let Jacob’s familiar presence wash over him. He was okay now, Alex thought to himself, there were no more monsters lurking in the forest. It was only them here, and they were safe. 

Alex watched his peaceful features and wanted to reach out, to pull himself closer, but he didn’t. Instead he quietly crawled to the door of the tent and opened it just enough to slip out.

He grabbed his camera from inside the truck, mainly for something to fiddle with and preoccupy his mind, and he tiptoed to the shoreline. Downstream hung a tree trunk that had broken and laid suspended a foot or so above the river. Alex edged along the narrow strip of muddy sand to it and sat, letting his bare toes drag in the water like the limp leaves dangling from beneath the trunk.

He looked through the polaroid’s viewfinder and snapped a picture of the moon above the tree tops and its reflection below in the water. 

Bella would like this, Alex thought vaguely. Almost no clouds to mask the stars that sparkled brightly — it reminded him of the open skies in Arizona when they’d be far enough away from Phoenix's lights on adventures with Renee and the stars would twinkle into existence.

He pushed away the thought before he could start to miss her, but no matter how much he buried it he could still feel it at his core. He missed her sarcasm and her withering looks and her occasional chaotic whims that rivaled his own. But he was still hurt. With every ache of missing his twin there was also betrayal attached to it — maybe mild regret or a hint of guilt — but more than all of it was eclipsing hurt, and Alex turned hurt into anger which turned into sadness. It didn’t plague him all the time, especially not when his friends were around to shine away the clouds, but when he was home and face to face with Bella and her vampires it settled over him like dew in misty weather.

It was hard to avoid them most days. Bella had spent every day of the summer so far with Edward — if not Alice or the other Cullen's as well — disappearing for the day to who knew where, Alex had no clue. He almost wouldn't have been surprised if one day she came home and said “Goodbye, I’m leaving forever to become a vampire,” and that was that.

Back in the tent, Jacob awoke slowly in a foggy haze. His eyes cracked open, sight blurry from sleep, until he realized Alex was not in the tent anymore. He rubbed his eyes and saw the sleeping bag and blankets left rumpled in a pile. Jacob stilled to listen outside — maybe the others had woken up and really were plotting to throw someone in the river — but he didn’t hear any voices or rustling of movement. 

Jacob left the tent to search for Alex, walking toward the river on light feet, some internal compass telling him that’s where Alex would be.

“What is it with you and water,” he mumbled tiredly as he tiptoed to the broken trunk and sat down next to Alex. Jacob stuffed his hands in his hoodie pockets. The air was almost too cool when the breeze blew off the water. 

Alex smiled weakly and shrugged. He held up the camera and the few polaroids in his lap, too underdeveloped to make out yet. “Just thinking,” he said. “Couldn’t fall back asleep when I woke up, so.”

“‘Thinking’,” Jacob echoed and watched his profile. “At this time at night I think that’s a pretty dangerous pastime.”

“Very,” Alex laughed lightly. “But why are you up? I didn’t wake you when I left, did I?”

“Not at all, I just kind of woke up and realized you weren’t there so I came to look for you. It's a good thing I did too because I can see steam coming out of your ears from thinking too hard for too long.” Jake playfully nudged his shoulder with his own.

Alex's weak smile threatened to break into something more. “You can never have too much practice at spiraling,” he joked and hung his head to watch the mirror image of the sky cracked and rippling in the river. The sound of the running water settled between them. 

“Think you’ll talk to Bella soon?” Jacob asked. Alex threw him a questioning look. “What else would be bothering you enough to make you get up in the middle of the night and be this quiet and contemplative?”

Alex let out a long sigh. “I haven’t decided anything yet — I’m afraid if I try to talk to her it’ll turn into another argument,” he said slowly and traced the edge of a picture in his lap with tentative fingers. “I’m kind of in over my head.”

Jake bit the inside of his cheek as Alex deflated. “I'm not sure how to help on this one… Maybe if I knew more about everything that happened, I might be better support but—” Alex shot him a look— “I’m not asking about it, just stating a fact.” Jacob shot him a look back and both boys broke into a smile. Jacob had come to recognize that even if Alex wouldn’t tell him the details, the fact that he knew there were secrets in the first place was significant and something only he had been trusted with.

A faint breeze rustled leaves, and Alex shivered. “I’m also kind of afraid of—” Alex cut himself off, not sure if he wanted to face the reality of the words that had been swirling around in his mind. “I’m afraid of it happening all over again. Of us making amends, and then her pushing me away and essentially discarding me. I’m not sure I could handle going through that again,” his voice wavered.

“There’s no way of knowing what will happen though if you don’t give her a chance,” Jake replied. “We both know you’d be happier with her back in your life.”

Jacob shifted and grazed their arms together, drawing Alex out of his distant stare.

Alex met Jacob’s eyes in defiance. “I’m perfectly happy right now,” he countered airily.

Jacob raised a disbelieving brow. “And what about when I’m not around?” His words lingered in the inches between them like smoke.

Alex dropped his eyes. 

Another light breeze blew through and they drifted closer, closing the small gap between their sides so that their arms and shoulders pressed together. With the slightest tilt of his head, Alex rested his temple on the corner of Jacob’s shoulder. 

“Hey,” Jacob bumped Alex’s foot with his own, “I think the universe is giving you a sign.” He nodded to the sky and Alex looked up with him curiously. “That’s Cygnus, right?” he asked, eyes trained on the bright stars aligned in a cross tilted on its side. “The swan?”

“Yeah, it is.” Alex stared with misty eyes as a smile lit up his face. He looked from the sky to Jacob and his heart throbbed in his chest. He laid his head on Jake’s shoulder once more with a content grin and watched the stars with him. “I love you,” he laughed quietly.

Jacob smiled crookedly and rested his cheek against the top of Alex’s head. They listened to the night until the stirrings of dawn approached.

—

Bella sat with Edward at the kitchen table, picking at her lunch and the plate in front of Edward as he pretended to eat. Charlie was in his usual spot in the living room watching a game and occasionally glancing not-so-subtly into the kitchen to check on them. After over a month of Bella’s constant complaining and reasoning, Charlie had forced himself to relax with Edward, though he refused to drop his guard completely — it would take a lot more time for him to let what happened go.

The truck rumbled into the driveway and Alex breezed through the front door, bringing the sunny afternoon inside behind him with a bounce in his step and a shining smile. Bella watched shyly while Alex gushed to Charlie about his weekend in the woods. A pang of anguish washed over her as she listened — it had been a while since she’d seen him so light and lively, and Bella acutely missed when she had been part of that.

Sensing eyes on him Alex glanced toward the kitchen. Bella blanched and snapped her head down to her plate with sudden rapt interest. When she risked a peek back up Alex’s smile didn't falter when he met her gaze and he didn’t flit his eyes away like she’d come to expect in the last couple months.

“You should talk to him,” Edward said lowly once Alex had gone upstairs. 

Bella startled and stared at him. “What makes you say that?”

Edward smiled slyly. “If you’re going to start building a bridge, now might be a good chance.” Alex’s thoughts were clearer than usual. Edward could sense the peace emanating from his mind — the kind of gentle bliss that didn’t wash away easily, not even for turmoil with a twin sister. 

“I don’t know—” Bella floundered for words. “I don’t want to bother him, he just got home. He probably wants to unpack and stuff… And besides, I don’t want to abandon you down here with Charlie.” 

“Well,” Edward’s smile sweetened mischievously, “there’s always later tonight, after I ‘leave’.” 

Bella glared at him, lips pressed together into a tight line.

“I’ll take my time I think,” Edward hummed. “Don’t expect me right away.”

Bella sank into her seat with her arms crossed and vaguely considered kicking Edward under the table out of pettiness, before remembering she’d do more damage to herself than him.

From outside Alex’s bedroom door Bella only heard quiet rustling and the occasional creak of a floorboard. She stood in the hall contemplating what to do for ages; her stomach twisted into painful anxious knots. With a final glance into her own bedroom — Edward was still not there, she had the feeling he wouldn’t show until she made some kind of decision at the very least — Bella turned and rapped lightly on her twin’s door. 

The rustling paused and Bella heard a soft “Come in.”

Alex sat at his desk with a leg tucked beneath him sorting through pictures when she opened the door. Bella leaned against the door frame but dared no further.

She recognized the polaroid camera they used to share sitting on the desk — she’d forgotten he’d brought it with them to Forks, but then again Alex was always the one to use it most anyway. She glimpsed snapshots of tents and the full moon and a sunset and a handful of rather tall boys. The images left a bittersweet ache in her chest. 

Alex didn’t say anything, but the fact that he had acknowledged her to let her in was enough. 

"How was the trip?" Bella asked, glancing at a picture of tree lined water. "Is that where you camped?" She gestured to the polaroid in his hand.

Alex nodded. "Yeah, we set up by a river."

"No one ended up in it while they slept, did they?" Bella half chuckled, most of it nerves.

Alex huffed and shook his head, his grin hinting at a fond memory Bella was not privy to. “No, but I think Paul might have tried on the last night if we weren't already prepared for him to try it.” Bella smiled with him and hesitantly walked a few steps further into the room. Alex glanced over at her as she settled on the edge of the bed. “I see you got your boot off finally,” he commented.

“Yeah,” Bella snickered, “stubbed my toe about ten minutes after it came off while walking to the car.” 

A genuine laugh bubbled out of Alex as his mind conjured up the scene too easily. 

After a beat of silence he asked “Did you hear if you got that job from Mike's parents yet?” 

Bella smiled a little brighter, surprised he remembered or cared enough to ask. “I start next Sunday. What about you — did you ever find a summer job? I remember you mentioned to Charlie you were looking for something.”

“I got part time as a waiter at the diner in town.” 

Bella humphed. “I thought you said you'd never serve again.”

“Yeah well, I've got limited options,” Alex explained. “And the people in Forks are a little nicer since everyone knows everyone around here. But at least I'm familiar with what I’m doing — you really couldn't have found a job further from your comfort zone than a sporting goods store."

“Limited options remember?” 

From Bella’s rocking chair, Edward listened through the now closed bedroom door and down the hall to the twins updating each other on the small pieces of life they had fallen out of telling one another other.

Charlie was on his way upstairs when he heard them talking, afraid at first it was an argument, but he quickly realized they were instead laughing. He passed Alex’s room on light feet, not wanting to interrupt them, and continued on his way to the bathroom with watery eyes.

Almost an hour later Bella walked into her room and Edward sat waiting, a proud smile lighting up his face.

“I heard you talking — your voices through the walls,” he explained before she could get her question out.

“Does that mean you couldn’t read Alex’s mind?” she asked anyway.

“At first I could make out clear thoughts, but as you talked it got quieter and less distinct, and now it’s muffled more than it has been in weeks.” Edward moved from the rocking chair to one side of the bed. Bella frowned in thought as she climbed under her covers and laid her head on Edward’s chest, feeling his voice vibrate against her cheek. “You two made Charlie very happy by making up.” 

Bella wriggled closer into Edward’s side. “I wouldn’t say we’ve made up just yet, there’s still a long way to go,” she murmured tiredly, but a hint of a smile remained as she drifted off.

—

The twins fell into an easy routine. They handed off the truck to one another when they'd come or go from work, sometimes picking each other up or dropping the other off when necessary. They exchanged small talk in passing that was genuine but timid, and their reconciliation remained shy at best as Bella continued to spend her days with Edward and the other Cullen's, and Alex split his time between raking in as many tips as he could and seeing Jacob. 

If Bella didn’t need the truck, Alex would go straight to Jake’s garage after work most days or they'd go back to the Swan’s house and hole themselves up in his room. Jacob had unofficially begun making his way through Alex's bookshelf, having enjoyed the one Alex recommended him a few months back. The routine made the weeks pass by unnoticeably quick, and so it wasn’t until one evening in late June that Alex realized he wasn’t making good on his promise to keep in touch with Leah. 

Charlie tied on his shoes as he offered Bella and Alex the chance to join his visit to the Clearwater’s to plan his and Harry's next fishing trip. "It’s been a while since you’ve seen them — I’m sure Sue and Harry would appreciate it if you dropped by with me. And don’t worry I won’t stay for too long," Charlie drawled, knowing his kids’ distaste with awkward pleasantries and forced social interaction.

It dawned on Alex that the last time he spoke to Leah was before the camping trip a few weeks ago, and he mentally beat himself for letting time get away from him. Alex rose from his seat on the couch and slid into his sneakers. “I’ll go with. I haven’t seen Leah in person since before school ended anyways.” 

Charlie raised his brows in surprise as he watched his son shrug on his windbreaker. Alex caught him staring and threw a questioning look back. “What?” 

Charlie quickly gave a dismissive shake of his head and turned to Bella. “No boys,” he said shortly. “No Edward.” He bristled out the door into the dim evening with a chuckling Alex close on his heels.

They had barely stepped foot inside the Clearwater’s home before Sue called out to Leah and Seth to say a polite hello. Seth stayed and lingered by the adults — listening like their pleasantries were the most interesting thing in the world — but Leah nodded to Alex and ducked out of the room while their parents were distracted. 

Alex followed to her bedroom gratefully. They left her door open, conscious of their hyper aware parents, and Leah sank onto her bed and slouched against her headboard, above which a tapestry hung on the wall with familiar looking tribal patterns woven together. Along another wall hung a collage of photographs of varying ages, though there were gaps where some pictures had been removed, leaving glaring white square blocks of blank wall. 

“You wouldn’t happen to want to pull one of your sister’s moves and ditch town for a bit, would you?” Leah asked dully.

Alex chuckled. “I could be persuaded. What for?”

Leah sighed heavily and sunk further into her slouch. “I’m going stir crazy — I need to get out of the house but I also don’t want to be reminded of you know who everywhere.”

“You were offered to go camping with us you know?”

“And be stuck with a bunch of boys for a weekend? Over my dead body.”

“Fair enough.” Alex shrugged and leaned against the wall next to the door.

“Besides,” Leah’s nonchalant mask failed to hide the subtle tension in her shoulders, “boys don't hold as much of my interest as I used to think they did…”

A smile spread across Alex’s face. “Expanding the dating pool?”

“I wish, but there’s, like—” she hushed and listened to their parents’ conversation in the other room before she finished under her breath, “no girls like me around here.”

“I know the feeling,” Alex said. “But it’s all the more reason to get out of town for a day, right? It makes the world feel a little less small.”

“I knew you’d get it,” Leah smirked. “I’d have asked sooner but I didn’t want to call, my family are such eavesdroppers sometimes. And someone—” she gave Alex a pointed look, “has been MIA all month—”

Alex groaned. “Oh I know, I know, I’m sorry, time got away from me. Is there anything I can do to make you forgive me?” 

Leah’s scornful pursed lips twitched with the hint of a smile. “Hmm, lucky for you I did just ask for a favor. Prove you can follow through on something and we’ll call it even.” 

“Ouch.” Alex winced at her jab and Leah giggled smugly.

“Alex!” Charlie’s voice rang from the living room. “Come on, kiddo, time to head out. Told you I wouldn't be long.”

“Coming!" Alex shouted down the hall. "Call when you want to cash in on that day out of town.” Alex winked and slipped out of her room to meet Charlie at the door.

Before the end of the week Alex and Leah were driving to Port Angeles together on the last day of June. They meandered down shop lined streets and basked in the warm overcast day as they looked for places to eat lunch, but Leah quickly noticed the camera dangling from a weathered strap on Alex’s shoulder and narrowed her curious eyes at him. “What’s that for?”

“I used the last of the film I had on the camping trip. My friend Angela told me about a place here she likes where I should be able to find more. I figured we could stop there before finding somewhere to eat?”

Leah eyed him skeptically. “And you had to bring the camera with because…?”

A cryptic grin spread across Alex’s face. “Well, I might have an ulterior motive up my sleeve, but I’m not telling yet, solely because you’re being impatient.”

“I am not impatient!” Leah scoffed.

“You’re right, you’re not impatient,” he answered. “‘Nosy’ was the word I was looking for.” He returned her scowl with a haughty smile.

Alex guided them to the store and quickly purchased the film so they could move on to lunch. While they sat at a table outside a cafe and waited for their food, Alex put his new film in the camera and explained his thoughts to Leah as he did so. “It has to be annoying to see the empty spaces on your wall — even if the pictures are gone you still remember what used to be there when you look at them. So…” Alex trailed off with an unexpected flutter of nerves and held out the camera to her.

Leah pressed her lips together and took the camera with gentle hands and a shimmer of excitement. After they finished eating she took it upon herself to play photographer for the rest of the day, snapping pictures while they window shopped of anything that caught her fancy, and with a little persistence she got Alex to agree to a few poorly centered pictures of the two of them — laughing at how out of frame they were the first few tries. 

The afternoon flew on while they strolled through shop after shop.

"Don't you ever get tired of hanging out with Jacob and the rest of them? Sometimes they're kind of… how should I put it — juvenile?" Leah asked as they exited a small bookstore. She paused in front of the pleasingly arranged window front and took a picture.

"They really aren't juvenile, they just don't act like boring bitter adults like you." Alex grinned teasingly at her and Leah rolled her eyes. "You're only seventeen, Lee — you don't have to act like you're so much more mature just yet."

"It's not my fault my teenage years have been ruined by over-investing in a dumb boy,” Leah defended. “Well, putting too much of myself into it was my fault but the way it ended certainly wasn't." She noticed the serious look growing on Alex's face and hooked her arm through his as they walked. "Consider today the first step of making up for the years I spent not being a teenager — the beginning of my journey to find myself again or some shit like that." Alex giggled with her, and Leah watched their feet as they skipped over a crack in the sidewalk. "But really," she pressed, "do you not ever get annoyed hanging out with them?"

"No,” Alex shook his head. “Not really."

Leah pursed her lips. "Not really isn't the same as no."

"Then my answer is not usually," Alex laughed. A familiar smiling face came to his mind and his heart fluttered. Alex busied himself with the books in his hand he'd just bought, praying Leah wouldn't notice the heat rising to his cheeks. "And never with Jake."

“Oh?” Leah said with a snaky smile and her pace slowed with purposeful interest. 

Alex fought to keep their normal walking speed as he pulled on her arm. “Don’t even start,” he grumbled. 

“Too late,” she said in a sing-song voice and trotted ahead to open a store door. “I had a feeling, you know, but I won’t interrogate you now. Not yet at least — I have to let you simmer with dread first.” 

“You’re positively evil.” 

“Thank you,” she sighed happily.

Alex arrived back home late. By the time he shuffled through the door with two new books under his arm and his camera dangling from his shoulder, Charlie was lounging in his chair with the TV playing at a low volume since Bella had already gone to bed. After saying a quick, quiet goodnight, Alex headed upstairs. 

He halted outside of Bella’s door and listened. He knocked softly and inched her door open when he received no response. Bella laid tucked under her covers fast asleep. Alex set one of the books on her nightstand before tiptoeing out of the room and closing her door behind him with a gentle click.

Edward slipped back into place by Bella’s side and he smiled down at the book, anticipating her joy when she’d wake up. It was an old hardback copy of Wuthering Heights, still in good enough condition that it would better stand up to the wear and tear Bella put upon her paperback one.

As Edward looked at the book he wished he knew how to make amends. He was aware that his presence left a bad taste in Alex’s mouth — it was one of the few things he could sense through his murky mind. He couldn't help but blame himself for Bella’s strained relationship with her own brother and he wanted more than anything to help fix the break he had set in motion, but he knew that the problem was bigger than only Bella and Alex’s relationship. They needed to mend the one at the root of the problem — Alex’s relationship with vampires.

—

On the Fourth of July Bella paced the length of her room and chewed her bottom lip to ribbons. It was almost time to start making their early dinner — Charlie had to work for the night, considering the amount of ruckus that was always bound to take place — and her window of time was closing.

“He’s going to say no, I know it,” Bella said.

“No, you don’t know that,” Edward answered.

“Well you don’t know what he’ll say either so,” Bella prickled and made a childish face at him.

Edward laughed lightly, and Bella stopped in her tracks to relish the sound. He stood from the edge of the bed and tucked a strand of Bella’s hair behind her ear. “I do know he would most definitely say no if I asked instead of you, and you know that too. If he’s going to agree to it for anyone it will be for you, love,” Edward said softly and pressed his lips to her forehead. Bella’s breath caught in her throat and she nearly leaned in and followed when Edward pulled away. 

“Fine,” she muttered and stalked out of the room.

Alex stood in the kitchen preparing ingredients for dinner while Charlie dressed in his room — by the time he’d leave for the station it’d be growing dark and they would need to be leaving too. Now was her only chance.

Bella lingered in the kitchen doorway and squeezed her fists at her side. “Would you want to hang out with me… and Edward’s family… later tonight?” she blurted.

Alex startled and spun around to face her, gaping as her words sank. The question sounded simple, yet it was a heavy branch to extend and an even heavier one to accept. Alex tried to unscramble his thoughts. “Um, sure…” His heart hammered in his chest. “What are we going to do?”

Bella let go of the breath she’d been holding. She hadn’t expected him to agree so easily, but that was the easy part she reminded herself. 

“Play baseball,” she stated simply and moved into the kitchen to start cooking too, as if there were no significance to her words. 

“I was really hoping you’d say watch fireworks.” Alex’s voice tightened.

She glanced at him and chuckled at his wide owlish eyes. “Don’t look so terrified. I’ve gone to watch them play two other nights this week and it didn’t end in disaster.”

After dinner Edward pulled up in the jeep meticulously fast once Charlie’s cruiser was out of sight. Alex’s heart made it’s home in his throat as they buckled in and went off road. He forced himself to swallow the anxiety.

Bella sat in the passenger seat next to Edward, holding his hand, face turned to watch his profile. They talked quietly to one another but Alex heard none of it. His mind was too busy spiraling to eavesdrop. The only thing keeping a hot rush of panic away was the cool wind blowing in his face.

The others were at the field preparing for the game when the jeep pulled up. Alex immediately scanned the area and tried to quell his frantic heartbeat, afraid the vampires would hear it. Rosalie and Emmett stood far off in the outfield throwing the ball back and forth with Alice. Esme approached Bella and Alex with a radiant smile as Edward ran off toward Jasper and Carlisle to fight over who would play first.

“It’s so good to see you again, Alex.” Esme’s smile sweetened and Alex almost felt guilty for estranging himself from them. Almost.

“I thought you said you could only play when there’s thunderstorms…” Alex threw a questioning look up at the clear, darkening sky.

“Nah, it’s baseball season for us vamps!” Emmett appeared at their side in an instant and Alex nearly jumped out of his skin. Emmett chuckled deeply before Rosalie checked him with her shoulder. 

Carlisle walked over with Edward and Jasper in tow. “We can play on almost any given night at the beginning of July,” Carlisle explained with a charming smile that rivaled Esme’s. “But we are always guaranteed to play on the fourth. Fireworks can be quite a perfect, loud disguise.” 

Emmett grinned again as he turned to Alex. “And thank god you’re here — now we might finally stand a fair chance at winning with a pair of unbiased eyes.” Emmett scowled childishly at Bella and flicked a strand of her hair as he spoke. 

Bella immediately swatted at him and scowled back. “I do not cheat. Ever thought maybe I make fair calls and your team just sucks?” 

Alex raised a disbelieving brow at her as Edward slid an arm around her shoulders and she leaned into his side.

“Ever thought maybe it’s weird how Edward’s team has won so many games since you’ve been ump,” Emmett taunted. “Because I do. Alex, I’m counting on you.” He nodded to him.

Alex felt frozen like a deer in headlights but forced his voice to steady as he wrung his hands in his pockets. “I’ll keep it fair.”

Emmett grinned, and Rosalie even threw a vicious, smug look to Edward.

Off in the distance a boom resounded and echoed through the air like thunder. Alice smiled deviously from the pitcher’s mound. "It’s time to begin!" she announced.

Night settled over them completely, their field illuminated by the jeep’s headlights and the full moon and the bright sparks of color spied through the treetops far away. 

Carlisle batted first, sending the ball flying past the treeline with an ear splitting crack. Edward took off toward it in a blur of movement as Carlisle sped to first base. A thrill of adrenaline coursed through Alex as he struggled to keep track of their zooming figures.

Just as Carlisle sprinted past second, Edward reappeared and sent the ball flying to Jasper who waited at third and caught it with a sound like rocks cracking.

“Out!” Bella cheered but her eyes were on Edward in the field. He smiled back at her tenderly and held her gaze.

Alex repressed a gag. “Are they always like this?”

“Unfortunately,” Rosalie answered bitterly as she stepped up to bat. Unlike Carlisle, she played it safe and stopped at second. Emmett cheered and plucked the bat up off the ground.

He readied himself for Alice’s pitch and shouted “Get ready to run, Rose! Ten bucks says I get us a home run!”

“Twenty says Edward gets you out before you make it to home,” Bella bargained from behind him.

“Deal.” Emmett smiled wickedly and swung. The boom resonated through the sky as a far away spot above the trees sparkled blue and gold. Rosalie was at third and on her way to home by the time Emmett neared second. Edward burst through the treeline and threw the ball to Esme at home plate, but Rosalie passed them as she lunged into the air to catch the ball. A gust of wind whipped hair into Alex’s eyes as Emmett flew by them toward home — Esme landed with the ball in hand and dove toward Emmett who dropped into a slide. A streak of torn grass lay behind him as he closed the gap between him and the plate.The two vampires turned to look up at Alex and Bella.

"Safe," Alex breathed. 

Bella screwed her face up with defeat. "Safe," she mumbled. Emmett whooped and sprung up with vigor. Rosalie smiled smugly and caught Bella's eyes briefly before meeting Alex's and her smile turned amiable.

When the teams switched positions Edward waited next to Bella for his turn to bat. “Why do I get the feeling Rosalie likes Alex more than me?” Bella grumbled between pitches. 

The corner of Edward’s lips lifted with an amused smirk. “You might be onto something there I’m afraid.” 

Bella crossed her arms. “Why though?” 

"Because he’s not you is my guess,” Alice chided cheerfully after she bounced up to them to line up behind Edward.

Alex, only a few feet away, overheard and laughed under his breath. 

The game continued on without any dangerous, world altering interruptions. Breaking their losing streak, Emmett, Carlisle, and Rosalie finally won their first game of the week, even if it was only by two points.

Before departing Esme pulled Bella into a hug, and after a moment of silent asking, she pulled Alex into one as well. "Thank you for spending your night with us, Alex. I’m so glad we got to see you again, and under much better circumstances. Please don’t be afraid to come around more with Bella." When she pulled away she squeezed Alex’s hand, and even though her fingers were cold the gesture was warm. Alex returned her smile with a shy one of his own. 

He climbed into the jeep with Bella and Edward once more. The dashboard lit up and Alex was shocked to see it was past eleven. Three hours had gone by much faster than he'd realized — the thrill of watching supernatural creatures play baseball must have outshone his nerves.

As they made it back to a real road and got closer to town, fireworks rained above every treeline and horizon around them. Alex drifted into a comfortable, tired numb as the buzz of adrenaline wore off. His wariness around the vampires still lingered, and he wondered if that would ever go away. He wondered if he really wanted it to, if letting his guard down around such potentially dangerous people was a smart idea, but at least now he knew he was able to push the fear away for Bella's sake. 

More than anything though Alex wanted to tell Jacob about all of it. Jake deserved to know, and Alex longed for the transparency — the pressure of keeping such extreme secrets rested heavily on him when he had no one to share the weight of them with. Sure Bella knew, but how much could they really talk about when they didn't understand each other anymore, not nearly like they used to. But Jacob always seemed to get him, and defiantly sharing what little he could took the edge off the urge to spill it all. 

Alex repressed a ripple of excitement as he remembered he had plans to see Jake tomorrow, so he focused on picking the night apart in his head, dissecting the pieces he could share and what pieces he could tell if he twisted the truth a little or left the details vague enough. He smiled to think of the look on Jake’s face as he tried to explain the night’s bizarre events to him in a totally normal, not supernatural way.

—

For what felt like the hundredth time in those drizzly last weeks of July, Jacob and Alex lounged on Jake’s bed on a rainy, lazy afternoon, not that either boy were to complain. 

The slow afternoons were a welcome peace from the summer slipping by too quickly. For Alex it passed in a blur of waiting tables, seeing friends, and forced interactions with the Cullen's. He’d gone to their house briefly a couple of times with Bella, and he made an effort to engage with Edward or Alice when they were over — all lackluster and mundane occasions but nerve wrecking nonetheless. 

Bella still consumed her free time with her vampires, and Alex consumed his in La Push, usually in a garage, or lately a bedroom, since the rain had returned with a vengeance after its absence earlier in the summer. He looked forward to those free days more than he’d ever admit out loud, no matter how much Leah tried to coerce it out of him.

“She and I have hung out, like, barely a handful of times — and a few of those times were at her house while Sue was home!” Alex reasoned and ran his fingers through his mussed up hair. “I’d like to have a little more faith that they haven’t jumped to any conclusions yet.”

Alex laid slouched on his side looking at Jacob who laid the length of his bed with his head hanging from the end of the mattress, long hair furling upside down.

“You have to believe me — I even overheard my dad and Harry talking about it the other night. All the hot parent gossip going around is about whether or not you and Leah are dating yet. Harry bet Charlie money that you two already are and Charlie thinks you will be soon.” 

Alex held his side as he laughed. “Well don’t be the one to tell them anything — can’t have you blowing our accidental cover,” he teased.

“Hey all I’m saying is if you let this go too far it’s going to make eventually coming out to Charlie that much harder,” Jake said. “Or awkward, if he’s thinking you’ve got a girlfriend.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Please. I can’t even begin to imagine dropping that on him, he’s already so on edge with Edward around and everything that happened, I don’t think throwing him for another shock would be very opportune right now.”

Jacob bit his lip and wrestled with whether or not to bring up what had been bothering him all month. He sat up enough to rest on one elbow to face Alex. “Aren’t you still on edge around them too though?”

Alex stared back, afraid of where this was going. “I’m trying to get over it… besides, weren’t you the one who said your dad’s crazy for thinking they’re something to beware of?”

“Yeah, but you didn’t think that. And I trust your instincts over mine on this since you’ve been around them more. I guess what I’m getting at is what changed?” Jacob asked in a carefully light tone.

Alex pressed his lips together and shrugged stiffly. “I’m still trying to mend things with Bella, and it seems like the only good chance I have at doing that is getting over my reservations about the Cullen's since she loves them so much.”

Jacob sighed. “It all just seems so… weird. Uncomfortable. Awkward.”

“Yes, yes, and yes,” Alex giggled.

“So why do it?” Jacob stressed.

“Because she’s my sister, Jake, I don’t want to lose her.”

“Well I get that part,” Jacob deadpanned. “What I don’t get is why you guys can’t meet in the middle or something? I mean just bringing them up is enough to make you fidgety, surely Bella can tell you don’t actually like being around them.”

“When are things involving siblings ever fair?” 

Jacob regarded him closely, studying his smirk that fell short of meeting his eyes. It would be easy for him to reach over and brush a wave of hair away from his face or pull him into an embrace, but Jacob resisted and dropped his eyes to his hands.

“It's more complicated than it looks,” Alex said lowly. “I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.”

“Talk to her about it?”

“And make her choose between me and her beloved Cullen's? I'm not sure I’d win that competition anymore.” Alex laughed acidly. “What other choice do I have?” 

“You always have a choice, Alessio. And I only bring it up because… I worry, okay?” Jacob sighed.

Alex’s lips pulled into a coy smile. “I appreciate the worry. I honestly don’t know where I would be without you looking out for me.”

The affection in his eyes made heat blossom across Jacob’s cheeks. He pulled his eyes away again and moved to sit cross legged, leaning back on his hands and trying to brush away the restless feeling in his chest. “Probably floating down a river in a tent and sleeping bag somewhere.”

“Oh please, you're the one who snores, not me,” Alex scoffed.

Jacob’s eyes snapped up. He felt his blush deepening by the second. “What?”

“Only sometimes,” Alex said sweetly. “And quietly.”

—

In the last week of summer the beach group got together for one last hurrah before they were sentenced back to school. As had become an accidental tradition, Paul brought firewood for when the overcast day turned dark, Quil had the soccer ball, and Jacob brought a stereo, all sitting on the blanket in the sand next to the empty fire pit where Embry was cracking open a soda. 

At the challenge of a game of chicken fight, Leah, Paul, Quil, and Alex stripped to their swimsuits and ran out to the water. Alex glanced back and halted at the edge of the tide when he saw Jacob lingering behind on the shore, still fully clothed with his hands in his pockets.

"Everything okay?" he asked timidly, eyes searching his face for some kind of clue.

Jacob met his eyes and made a point of smiling when he answered. "Yeah, go on ahead, I'm going to stay here. There's an odd number if I go anyway, I'll chill out with Embry."

Alex's eyes roamed his face again, hesitant to believe his nonchalance.

"Alex! Come on!" Leah shouted out from waist deep waves. Quil was already clambering his way on top of Paul's shoulders a few feet away from her. Alex stayed frozen, torn.

"I'm okay, Alessio, I promise," Jacob repeated.

Alex narrowed his eyes at him and sighed.

Jake’s eyes followed Alex as he turned and waded into the water towards Leah, and he sat down on the shore, fingers tracing lines in the sand as he watched them.

Alex and Paul were up to their chests in the water with Leah on Alex’s shoulders and Quil on Paul’s. 

"Hey, Alex!” Paul shouted above the sound of the waves. “I bet this is the first time you’ve ever had your head between a girl’s legs!" He cackled wickedly at himself, making Quil hold onto him for dear life or else be thrown into the water before the game even officially started.

"When’s it going to be your first time?" Alex yelled back.

Quil’s loud laugh outshone the seagulls flying around above them, and Leah took the opportunity to send him flying off of Paul’s shoulders while he wasn’t paying attention. Jacob cracked a smile. 

“Dumbass.” He heard Embry mutter behind him.

“This is going to sound weird, or wrong…” Quil said as he climbed back on top of Paul. He suddenly shook his head as he changed his mind. “You know what, nevermind.” 

“No say it,” Paul pressed. 

Quil grimaced but caved. “Fine… Paul you’re, like, scary warm you know that?” 

Paul beamed at the opportunity given to him. “Are you calling me hot, Ateara?” He gasped excitedly. 

“See — should’ve just kept my mouth shut,” Quil mumbled to no one in particular. 

Jacob drifted off into his thoughts as their game continued. His mind felt scattered, and it didn't help that he found his eyes constantly drawn to Alex, lingering on him every moment he wasn’t consciously looking away. Every time Jacob caught himself staring his chest fluttered and his face heated with some indistinguishable, unfamiliar shyness. It's not like he had never seen Alex shirtless before — they'd gone swimming together several times. They'd even swam in only their underwear that one night, although now the memory made his cheeks burn bright pink — because before he didn't remember his attention being so fixed on the angle of Alex’s hipbones or the graceful curve of his lower back or the lean line of muscle down his legs, and it hit him very suddenly that he thought Alex was attractive.

Embry plopped down next to him and nudged his elbow, breaking him out of his thousand yard stare. Jacob’s stomach twisted as he recognized the look in Embry’s eyes that meant he saw right through him, and he immediately wanted to bury his head in the sand. Jacob made do with dropping his head into his hands and groaning. Embry patted his shoulder and chuckled quietly. 

"We've… spent a lot of time together this summer," Jacob choked out. “It doesn’t necessarily mean anything.”

"Mhmm," Embry nodded.

"As soon as school starts up and we hang out less often it'll be like normal again."

"Yeah, maybe," Embry said genuinely. Despite laughing a moment ago he did feel bad at seeing his friend so flustered.

Leah’s high pitched scream as she fell into the water pierced the air and Jacob’s head snapped up to watch his friends out in the water. His eyes found Alex again — drinking in his bright smile and the way he pushed his curling wet hair out of his face and how carefree he always was in the ocean.

His heart tightened as he watched. Maybe he had always noticed these things before, and it was simply getting harder to ignore.


	2. Laika

School reignited well-worn routines that made the weeks pass in a blur of fluorescent lights and wet grey skies. The differences from last year stood out in subtle ways however — Alex and Angela still sat together during lunch period, with Ben on Angela’s other side, and Mike and Jessica across from them, but next to Alex a single empty seat remained between him and Bella. Edward and Alice sat with her most days behind the invisible line that separated them from the rest of the table. Their presence was marginally less intimidating to the group now that the older Cullen’s were graduated, and Alex had grown more used to their presence and proximity —any twinge of unease brushed away by the comfort of being surrounded by people, by witnesses.

On the occasional day the Cullen’s were absent because of a sunny, cloudless sky, Bella filled that empty chair next to Alex, and the table enveloped her in conversation with welcome. Alex found those days much easier, and he hoped the remnants of the summer sun would last a little longer. But as always, the clouds and rain came no matter what. 

Alex spent most weekends indoor with Jacob doing homework and studying together. The first few Saturdays or Sundays he drove to Jacob’s, Alex felt a prickle of deja vu as he’d hop out of the truck and Jake would pull him into a hug that lifted him onto his toes, but it quickly became their custom to hole up in one of their rooms and work in silence in each other’s company.

The first weekend of September was no different from the ones before it as Jacob laid across Alex’s bed on his stomach, staring down at algebra homework, unconsciously wriggling his pencil in the air as he fidgeted in concentration. Alex sat with his back against the headboard, ankles crossed and propped up on the back of Jake’s legs, head bowed as he read. Jacob dropped his pencil with a sigh and gave up to work on something less headache-inducing. 

Alex retracted his legs when Jake shifted, and he glanced up from his page of ‘Romeo and Juliet’ to watch Jake reach his book bag on the floor and rummage through its contents for a different assignment. He set a large stack of papers aside from his bag and out of his way while he searched.

The impressive stack of packets and papers caught Alex’s attention — there was no way Jacob already had that much work left considering what he’d already finished that afternoon. 

“What’s all that?” Alex asked and nodded to the stack.

Jacob looked up at him and followed his eyes. “Oh, it’s for Paul. He’s been out sick since Tuesday so I’ve been collecting all his work for him. Quil called him the other day and said Paul was being weird and short and all he would say was that he was really sick and didn't know when he'd be back and ‘don’t bother coming over’. Embry and I were thinking of going to his house tomorrow to drop off the homework he's missed and see why he's acting all weird.”

“Don't catch whatever he’s got if he’s as sick as he says he is.”

“Sure, sure.” Jake settled back on his stomach with the new assignment in front of him.

“I mean it,” Alex laughed. “If you get sick then I’m going to have to get sick so we can at least suffer through it together.”

Jacob smirked cryptically and set to work again. Alex regarded him for a long moment before Jacob's eyes slid back up to him. Alex quickly looked down to his page and willed himself to not meet Jacob’s eyes because he never knew what to do with himself in those unspoken moments that hung between them sometimes. 

When they refocused on their work, Alex extended his legs to rest against him again, and Jacob smiled.

—

The unremarkable first month of school let September thirteenth sneak up on the twins fast.

The typical grey clouds hung low in the sky, and Alex felt just as tired as he did every other early morning, and as he pulled a sweatshirt over his head he resolved that this year was no different than any of the others.

Alex left his room to head downstairs for breakfast when he passed Bella standing in front of the bathroom mirror above the sink, brushing her teeth and staring bitterly at her reflection. She broke away from frowning at herself and nodded to him, humming something unintelligible before she spit toothpaste out in the sink.

Alex nodded back, understanding. “Happy birthday too,” he mumbled. Bella visibly recoiled and returned to glaring at her reflection in the mirror. Alex suppressed a grin and stepped closer with a curious look on his face. “Is… Is that—?”

“What?” Bella gaped fearfully.

Alex leaned in closer and reached out, almost touching a strand of her hair. “Is that a grey hair?”

Bella flinched and rushed to check the mirror. Alex burst into full bellied laughter and ducked when Bella chucked the toothbrush still in her hand at him. It clattered against the wall and down the stairs as he raced away. 

Charlie was chuckling in the kitchen and high fived Alex as she bristled down the stairs and rounded the corner. She shook her head at the both of them. “You’re so funny. Really hilarious.”

Charlie attempted to subdue his smile. “Ah come on, Bells, it was only a joke.” He grabbed three wrapped presents from the kitchen table the twins hadn’t noticed yet. “Let me make it up to you.”

“I thought we said no presents this year, Dad,” Bella sighed.

“You didn’t really think your mother or I would listen to that did you?” He extended the present with her name written on it in his chicken-scratch handwriting. Bella begrudgingly took the gift from him and hesitated tearing it open until Alex was ready to do the same with his own. 

She unwrapped the paper to reveal a digital camera, and Alex held a small photo album roughly the size of a book in his hands.

“I figured you could use a place to put all those pictures piling up on your desk,” Charlie gestured to Alex. “Since you seem to have taken permanent ownership of your ‘shared’ camera, Bella could use one of her own now anyway,” Charlie explained shyly. “It kind of works with your mother’s present too.”

He handed them the remaining present sent from Renee, and they tore into it together. It was a scrapbook. Alex opened it and found a message and picture taped on the inside cover. The picture was of the two of them with matching birthday hats, faces and hands covered in cake that they had both tried to shove in each other’s face. The picture was labeled “8th Birthday party, 09/13/95”. Next to the picture was a note written in Renee’s familiar scrawling cursive. “Together through the thick and the thin. Use this to remember that however you like, as long as you do it together. Sending love, Renee.”

For the first time that morning Bella’s lips tugged into a smile, but it was immediately replaced with a grimace as Charlie held up her new camera. “Look like you like each other in three… two… one…”

Alex snorted and Bella rolled her eyes, but they leaned into each other and forced awkward half smiles, both prefering to be the one behind the camera.

Charlie shook his head as he looked at the picture. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — you two smile the exact same in pictures.”

“We know,” they said in unison.

Bella slowly returned to her grim mood while they ate breakfast. Alex could tell she was off more than on the tired, grumpy surface level. He waited until they were alone as he drove them to school to question her.

“...Is the bad mood because of what day it is?” he asked.

She didn’t look away from the window as she answered. “Maybe…”

“Is it because you’re technically older than—”

“Dont,” she cut, “please don’t.” Her frown deepened the anxious lines drawn by her brows.

Alex sighed. “It’s just a number to an idea, Bells — time is a concept, everything is meaningless, vampires exist…” He exhaled sharply and almost laughed at the thought. “And you’re stressing over an insignificant little number that impacts nothing.”

Bella took a slow deep breath and sagged in the passenger seat. 

“Today is just another day. Same as yesterday, same as tomorrow, yeah?” Alex tried to catch her eyes. 

Bella flicked her gaze from his then to the road and shrugged. “Yeah.”

Pulling into a parking space they spied Edward leaning against his Volvo like usual. As soon as the twins got out of the truck Edward swooped in and put an arm around Bella.

“Don’t say it,” she snapped at him while they walked to class. From Bella’s other side Alex giggled quietly. “You too,” she glared at him. “If you go around letting everyone know it’s your birthday they’ll know it’s mine too so keep your lips closed.” 

Alex shared an amused look with Edward over the top of Bella’s head. “She’s extra mad at me today.”

“You deserve it,” she muttered, tentatively brushing hair behind her ear.

Alice bounced up to the space between the Swans. Alex’s heart thumped heavily with surprise but he quickly shook it off. He’s getting pretty good at this, he thinks. 

“Happy birthday you two!”

“Shh! Alice!” Bella reached over to cover Alice’s mouth with her hand but Alice slipped away easily and walked backwards a few paces in front of them, out of her reach. Bella huffed. “I thought I told you—”

“Presents now or later tonight?” Alice smiled excitedly.

“No presents.”

“Well what about you, Alex?” Alice turned to him.

“Me?”

“Yes you! Presents now or later tonight?”

Bella shot a warning look at him but Alex asked warily anyways. “What do you mean later tonight?”

“Bella!” Alice scolded. “You didn’t tell him about the party I'm throwing?”

Bella’s grimace returned. “I didn't say anything because we aren't going.”

Relief flooded through Alex at her words and the determination behind them. The last thing he wanted was to be dragged to a party, let alone one with the Cullens.

“Of course you are,” Alice insisted. “What time should I expect them, Edward?”

“W-we have to watch Romeo and Juliet still for class, right Alex?” Bella stammered with panic.

“Alex has already seen it,” Alice replied smugly. “And you might as well have it memorized, Bella.”

Bella glared at her, and then at Alex who mouthed an apology back. “Well I haven't seen this version…” she mumbled.

Alex rolled his eyes at her excuses. He sensed the cracks already forming in her conviction; they were going to end up at the Cullen’s house later tonight for a birthday celebration whether they wanted to or not. Bella always caved when it came to them, even if she fought it at first. Alex sighed and steeled himself in preparation for the uncomfortable night to come.

“I will bring them over around seven, if that’s alright with you, Alex,” Edward said.

“Sure,” Alex answered. He hadn’t necessarily made any plans just because it was his birthday — he didn't have the same issue with it as Bella, but he could relate to not liking the sudden attention the day brought. It was like any other Tuesday to him. He’d avoided bringing the subject up around Jacob in the hope that he’d forget. The last thing Alex wanted was for Jake to feel like he had to do something or get him a gift — Alex didn’t like anyone feeling obligated to do those things, least of all Jacob — but he figured he might still have time to drive to La Push to see him if Bella reached a compromise with Alice and kept the party short and painless.

The school day passed quickly and normally, no more mentions of birthdays from Alice or Edward. Angela barely managed to be saved from Bella's wrath as she started to say the forbidden words and Alex sat down in his desk next to her. He’d quickly put a finger to his lips and hushed her, whispering an explanation as class began. Angela had smiled and shook her head at Bella, who sat with Edward across the room, while Alex stifled a laugh at Bella’s threatening glare.

Edward drove Bella home, and Alice took the Volvo back to the Cullen’s house to prepare for the party. They exited the Volvo and noticed the little black car parked in the Swan’s driveway. Bella smirked as she reached Jacob leaning against the car, and she let herself be pulled into a bear hug. 

“Happy birthday,” Jake said as they pulled apart.

Bella huffed a laugh and punched his shoulder. “Please, I know you’re really just here for my brother.” She grinned before grabbing Edward’s hand as Alex pulled into the driveway in the truck.

“Why does Jacob Black get to wish you a happy birthday, but I can’t?” Edward snickered close to Bella’s ear as they turned to walk inside.

“Oh my god,” Bella scoffed while he held open the front door for her.

Alex climbed out of the truck with a wide smile. The door shut behind Bella and Edward, and Jacob took two long strides and met Alex halfway. Alex threw his arms around his shoulders, and Jake lifted him off his toes and spun them around before planting him back on his feet.

“What are you doing here?” Alex laughed and took a step back. “Charlie’s only going to let you get away with illegally driving so many times, you know.” 

“I had to come see you on your birthday though — I have a surprise for you.”

“Is this not the surprise?” Alex gestured to Jacob himself.

Jacob laughed lightly and Alex caught the faint pink tinting his cheeks. “Not exactly…” He opened up his hand between them and held out a small dreamcatcher. “I know you’re still having a hard time sleeping some nights, so... I thought it might help.” Jacob bit his lip and couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. 

Alex froze and looked from the present in Jacob’s hand to his bashful face, and he flung his arms around his neck once again. He had to tiptoe to reach, but Jacob settled his arms around Alex’s waist and steadied him.

“Thank you,” Alex said into his shoulder. 

They pulled away and Jacob skittishly tucked a long strand of hair behind his ear as Alex took the dreamcatcher from him. He gently ran his thumb around the hoop, and looked up suddenly. 

“When's your birthday again?”

Jacob narrowed his eyes and laughed. “It doesn't matter. Today is yours.”

“I know it's in winter — some time after Christmas right?”

“Alex.”

“That should be enough time to figure something out that comes close to being as good as this.”

“You don't have to repay me for anything,” Jacob brushed off and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“I’d get you something regardless of if you got me something first,” Alex countered.

“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” Jake chuckled shyly. “It hardly cost me anything, I already had the things I needed to make it so don’t feel like you owe me.”

Alex stopped and stared, lips parted in surprise. “You made this?”

Jacob immediately felt heat rise to his cheeks, and he wanted to shove his foot in his mouth. “Forget I said anything?” he winced.

Alex smiled smugly and shook his head. “Not a chance.”

The sound of Charlie's cruiser reached their ears, and Jacob and Alex stiffened. 

“I should go, before Charlie catches me and tries to roast me alive,” Jacob smirked.

Alex bit his lip. “Probably — it would be nice to not lose my best friend on my birthday.” 

He stepped to the porch while Jacob hurried into his car and backed out onto the road. Charlie slowed down to pull into the driveway, and snickered as Jacob passed him with a wave and a grin and quickly drove away.

—

The Cullen’s home looked even more like a meticulously set dollhouse with Alice’s decorations everywhere, gold and silver streamers and balloons, white flowers in crystal vases. Alex hadn’t been at their house for an extended period of time since March — only ever going when he was picking Bella up and making brief small talk with Esme while he waited for Bella to hurry up and get her shoes on already, or the time he’d stopped in with her to retrieve the book she’d left while Edward was out hunting and couldn’t bring it to her. 

He felt out of place like every other time still. He hesitated before he walked for fear of breaking the serene stillness and had to fight the urge to hold his breath, as if too deep of a lungful of air might disturb their picturesque home.

It was easier when he had something to do, as much as he hated the attention as they handed them presents, but at least he had Bella beside him to share the weight of their eyes.

“These are from Emmett and Rosalie,” Alice chirped and handed Alex and Bella their respective wrapped gifts.

Alex got his unwrapped before Bella since he wasn’t coordinately challenged, and looked up shocked when he realized he held the box of new headphones in his hands. He hadn’t mentioned to anyone that his current pair had begun to die a few days ago.

“The left ear was going out, so,” Alice shrugged with a satisfied, knowing smile, “I may have tipped Emmett and Rose off.”

Emmett grinned guiltily at him while Bella finished tearing off the last of her wrapping paper and gaped at the new shiny cd player.

“There’s a present within your present, Bella,” Emmett hinted. Bella furrowed her brow in curiosity and looked to Edward who smiled shyly. She reached to open the player but Edward placed his hand over hers.

“You can listen to it later tonight,” he said softly and removed the cd player from her hands and set it back on the table next to their other presents.

“Ours next.” Esme stepped forward and handed off a small present to Bella. “It’s for the both of you,” she smiled at them.

Bella looked to Alex and went to tear the tightly wrapped glossy paper. She struggled to find a place to rip it.

Alex reached out. “Bella, just let me—”

“I almost got it—” she winced as the paper gave and sliced the tip of her finger. A single bead of red swelled from the thin cut, and time slowed. 

Edward shoved Bella and sent her crashing back into the table as Jasper charged. Edward barreled into him with the sound of boulders colliding. He grappled his brother as the others raced forward to grab at Jasper.

By the time Alex turned to Bella and realized what had happened Bella was sitting up from the debris of shattered crystal and glass. The scent of blood permeated the room as it spilled down her arm. Every vampire stiffened, and their eyes locked onto the only two people in the room with beating hearts.

Edward froze like stone at the overwhelming smell of her blood washing over him, singing to him, and in the lapse of awareness Jasper slipped from the Culllens’ grasps and pushed past Edward. Jasper reached for Alex — the bloodlust driving him desperate for the closest quench to his thirst. He grabbed Alex’s arm with a crushing grip and jerked his wrist to his lips as Edward dashed to Bella with dark glazed over eyes. As his fingertips brushed her skin the others were on them. 

Jasper lurched to a stop as Emmett grabbed him from behind. Alice stepped between Jasper and Alex and pushed against Jasper’s chest while Emmett wrestled him back out of the room. Rosalie and Esme had tackled Edward and followed close behind, pushing and pulling a writhing Edward toward the door.

Esme turned to block his sight of the twins and placed her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her. “Edward listen to me, hear my voice, you’ve resisted this before, you can do it again, focus on me, Edward, look at me…” 

They made it out of the room with a final, brief glance back from Esme, her beautiful face contorted with heartbreak. If she could cry she would’ve had tears streaming down her cheeks. 

Carlisle calmly and swiftly broke into action. The movement startled Alex, and he realized he was shaking, his whole body vibrating out of his control. Bella still sat frozen, eyes wide with fear and shock before Carlisle leaned down to her with a torn strip of tablecloth and tied it above her elbow to slow the blood dripping down her arm. He looked up to where Alex stood unmoved, yellow eyes inspecting over him at inhuman speed. “Are you hurt?” Carlisle asked softly.

The words barely registered. Alex's ears felt filled with cotton, and he was acutely aware of his strained breathing, as if there were knuckles digging into his neck. 

“Alex, are you hurt?” he repeated more firmly, eying the arm Alex held to his chest. 

Alex opened his mouth to answer, but his chest shuddered and the words tangled into a knot in his throat. “Excuse me,” he managed to whisper. He stumbled to the nearest escape from the room — up the stairs. In a blur he stepped into an empty room and flipped on the lights and closed the door behind him. 

Alex crumpled into himself, arms holding his chest, knees tucked under himself, aching wrist cradled to his heart. His breathing quickened and his heartbeat thundered and his vision smeared as hot tears spilled down his face. He forced in long slow breaths through the hiccuping and blew out shuddering exhales. Silent sobs racked his body, and as the panic dissipated a numbness spread through his mind. The tears slowly dried, and his breathing returned to something akin to normal. Alex couldn’t tell if he had been sitting on the ground for a few minutes or an hour — he felt strangely detached from his body, floating and intangible, like if a hand were to try to touch him they'd pass through him like smoke or a cloud. 

A knock on the door made Alex shoot up and back into his body. He turned to face the door, but it didn’t open. Rosalie's voice on the other side called out gently. “Alex?”

He cleared his throat to ensure his voice wouldn’t crack. “Yeah?”

Rosalie’s hand rested on the doorknob, and she bit her lip in contemplation before taking a step back, leaving Alex to be the one to decide when to open the door — he was the one who shut it after all. “Carlisle can check your arm now, if you’re ready,” she said lightly. 

Alex wiped his eyes with his sleeve and took a final deep breath, only barely shuddering this time, and opened the door. Rosalie stood several paces away with an unusually timid look on her face. She guided him back downstairs, passing Esme cleaning up the debris and blood from the floor, and to the kitchen table where Carlisle's things had been laid out from his medical bag. Bella rose from her seat on the edge of the table with worried lines creasing her forehead. 

“Hey…” she said unsurely. “How are you?”

Alex shuffled his feet and held out his arm. “Um, my wrist hurts, that’s all,” he lied in a watery, weak voice.

Bella studied him with doubtful eyes. “Carlisle’s patched me up more than enough times — he’ll take care of you.” She stepped aside to let Alex take her seat on the table next to Carlisle, who was finishing burning her bloody bandages.

“Left arm, correct?” Carlisle asked with a genuine, soft smile. Alex nodded and held it up for him to inspect. Carlisle’s smile tinted with amusement as he pulled up Alex’s sleeve. “It was Bella’s left arm too.”

“Guess it’s a twin thing,” Alex said airily. His attempt at lightheartedness left a hollow space in his chest as he forced the words out.

Carlisle gently held Alex’s forearm and slowly moved his wrist. “Tell me when it begins to hurt.”

Alex waited to alert him until the muscle pulled tightly and the dull ache flared stronger. He hated that the cold press of Carlisle’s fingers brought relief to the swelling red skin. 

“It appears to only be a sprain,” he explained, “and bruising.” He searched through his bag and pulled out an ace bandage. “Leave this on for the majority of the next forty eight hours, it’s important to keep compression on it. Try not to use it too much — if it begins feeling irritated, ice and painkillers should help with both the pain and the swelling…” 

Alex nodded along, barely listening as Carlisle wrapped from his hand to his forearm, magenta welts disappearing beneath the cloth. He’d had minor sprains before, most of them thanks to Bella who he had a bad habit of being closest to when she took her spills. At least it would be easy to explain away to Charlie, Alex thought.

While Carlisle finished wrapping his wrist, he overheard Bella in the adjoining room — he hadn’t noticed her leave. 

“Alice will be taking you both home.” Edward’s voice sent a trickle of shock through Alex. He didn’t know what to expect from the rest of the night, but he didn’t fathom Edward would be back and under control and himself yet.

“No.” Bella crossed her arms, ignoring the pain it caused. “Alice doesn’t need to, you can take us home.” 

“I don’t think that is a good idea.”

“Why? Because of what happened?” Bella bristled. “You’re fine now, Edward, and so am I, and so is Alex.”

“It almost wasn’t fine—”

“But it was, and so I don’t care. It's still my birthday, and I am asking you to take me home.”

The ride home in the truck was silent and much longer than any of them remembered it being. Alex said a quiet, polite goodnight to Bella and Edward and left them outside to talk. He was almost to the stairs when Charlie caught him from his seat in the living room. 

“How was the party?” he asked. His eyes landed on Alex’s bandaged arm and his face fell with concern. “What happened?”

“Bella,” Alex said tiredly.

“Say no more,” Charlie sighed. 

“Yeah, shocker, I know.” Alex tried to force some kind of life into his voice to ease the lingering worried look on Charlie’s face. He smiled for show and rested his foot on the bottom step. “I’m going to call it a night… Goodnight, Dad,” he said tenderly.

“Goodnight, son.” Charlie turned back to the television, and Alex ascended the steps to his room.

The numbness from earlier seeped back in and left Alex too tired to be anxious, like he’d been spread too thin and there wasn’t enough left of him to feel anything at all. He changed for bed and took Jake’s dreamcatcher from the nightstand where he’d left it earlier that day, and held it between his hands in the dark of his room for a long minute. He pressed it to his lips and hung it from his headboard. As soon as his head hit the pillow his eyes weighed close, and he fell into a dreamless, dark sleep. 

Dull morning light filtered through the windows when Alex woke up. The cloudy sky was dark and disorienting as he struggled through the fog in his mind to remember the world was still spinning, and it was a school day. Sleep clung to him as he sat up, leaving him sluggish and fuzzy, but he’d had no nightmares he could remember from last night at least. 

The ace wrap had loosened in his sleep, and when Alex unwound it to tighten it, he saw dark violet and blue bruises had appeared. With a ghostly touch he traced what he thought looked like the shape of fingers, though it was difficult to tell with the way the black bruises had blossomed into each other, blurring the lines into vagueness.

He pulled on his Phoenix hoodie, keeping the sleeve of his left arm tugged down to nearly his fingertips — he didn't want questions if he could avoid them. Before leaving his room Alex pulled the windows’ curtains as far back as they’d go to let what little sunlight might escape through the clouds in, and hoped it would be enough to burn away the gorey nightmares that were bound to be trapped in the web after last night. 

Beside the constant, subtle ache in his wrist, and the general fatigue, Alex felt alright — until the moment he saw Bella standing in front of the bathroom mirror, much like the lifetime ago that was yesterday, cleaning her stitches instead of her brushing her teeth. The fog around Alex evaporated and left him wide awake in a sharp flash of panic. 

The buzzing nerves quieted while he distracted himself with breakfast, but they didn’t go away completely. It simply slunk down to lie in wait, whispering at the edges of his mind while he tried to forget about it and lock it away.

Bella drove them to school with hardly a word passed between them — she was distracted, something obviously on her mind, but Alex wasn't in the mood to pry so he left her to sulk in silence by herself.

Edward was waiting in the school parking lot like usual. 

Alex’s heart rate spiked and a vague sick feeling overcame him. “I’ll see you in class, Bella,” he uttered and headed straight to first period. 

He avoided the Cullen’s at all cost — taking different routes to classes to not cross their path, and at lunch he determinedly faced Angela, his back to Bella’s end of the table, resisting the urge to inch farther away — and so he didn’t notice that Edward was acting distant from Bella, or pay any mind that Alice never showed up to school. 

Bella leaned toward the invisible line in the lunch table, and Alex fought the instinct to face her when she spoke up. “Hey, Jess, would you take pictures of everyone for me?” Bella asked and slid her camera down the table. “My mom wants us to work on a scrapbook for senior year.”

“Of course,” Jessica said with an excited grin and picked up the camera, immediately snapping a shot of Mike mid bite of pizza. 

A fight for spotlight and hastily shielded faces ensued. When Jessica turned the camera to Angela and Alex, Ange raised a book to cover her blushing, giggling face, and Alex mustered a convincing smile and wondered how Bella could continue on with life like nothing had happened. How could she think about something as trivial as working on their scrapbook and putting pictures of their friends in it while the vampire who’d proven to be dangerous sat at the same table with them?

—

The next day after school Bella dropped Alex off at home before leaving for work. Alex hummed a see you later and stalked off to his room to start procrastinating his homework.

Hours ticked by, and the nervousness he’d been keeping at bay began to rise when Bella wasn’t home at her usual time. Alex paced downstairs and mentioned it casually to Charlie, the hidden anxiety clawing at him as the minutes continued to pass. 

Charlie thought nothing of Bella’s lateness. And why would he? He didn't know the danger Bella put herself in everyday. Alex went back to his room and kept quiet after his comment so as not to alarm Charlie, but he watched the clock with growing unease.

The panic subsided instantly when he heard her come in downstairs and small talk with Charlie — though there was no sign of Edward who usually spent his evenings with her once she got home.

Alex met Bella at the top of stairs with worry clinging to his features.

“What is it?” Her brows furrowed as she looked him over with concerned eyes, like he was the one that might have been in trouble.

“I— it’s nothing. I got worried when you didn't come home on time is all.”

Bella studied him and raised the thick envelope that had been tucked under her arm. “I went to get the pictures developed after work,” she explained slowly and walked into her room and gestured for Alex to follow. He stood hesitantly between the door and her bed, where she sat down and spilled the pictures out of the envelope in front of her. “Come look at them with me?”

Alex eyed the landscape of photos spread across the bed — catching a glimpse of a startlingly pale face smiling with Bella amongst the images of their friends. “Um, maybe later. I had just wanted to make sure everything was okay,” Alex stammered and turned to leave.

“Why is everyone acting weird!” Bella snapped. “I’m so sick of it! They would never hurt us,” she vented out loud. 

Alex froze with his hand on the doorknob and stared confounded at her. “They almost did,” he said thickly. “And it wasn’t the first time either.” He strode toward Bella and grabbed her wrist. The white crescent scar shimmered coldly. “I almost got a matching one as a birthday present.”

Bella ripped away from his grasp and crossed her arms, conveniently hiding her scar from sight. “Edward’s been acting off, distant, since the party no matter what I say to him. No wonder he can't get over it if you can't either — why would he want to be around us when you're glaring at him all the time and thinking things like that for him to hear.”

Behind Alex’s eyes burned as tears threatened to form. He pressed his hands against his temples to try to keep himself together. “I didn’t know Edward was acting weird first of all, and second, I have tried to be comfortable around them, Bella. I really have. But I don’t know how to be okay with them after something like this. Forgive me for needing a little time to get over it,” he spat. 

Bella rolled her eyes in contempt, and Alex saw red. “UGH! Forget it!” He yelled and stormed out of her room. 

A petty urge made him pause, and he threw a vicious look at Bella and promptly left her door wide open. He got his satisfaction as he slammed his own bedroom door behind him and heard Bella barely stifle a frustrated scream as she stomped to her door and threw it closed.

Downstairs Charlie startled at the slam of the doors. “Hey! Really, guys? Aren't we a little old for slamming doors when we fight!” he called up to them and sighed when his protest went ignored.

Bella threw herself onto her bed and curled up in a ball. Her breathing rattled as she tried to take deep breaths. She knew she was only being so irritable because Edward’s detached behavior put her on edge, and she thought about going to apologize to Alex as she spied the picture of the two of them Charlie had taken a couple of days ago in the clutter of photos beside her — but she looked to her window and it remained closed and empty, and there was no Edward, and distress racked her all over again. A lump formed in her throat so she wiped her tears into her pillow instead.

Alex paced his room, hot with fury at the unfairness. He hadn’t asked for any of this, and he was trapped in a web he hadn't even wanted to crawl into — Bella had — and he was stuck because of her. Despite his attempts to like the Cullen’s, Alex hated them again, and in that moment he hated Bella too.

Desperate to calm down somehow, Alex scanned his room for his cassette player. The sight of the new headphones on his desk made him freeze. In a flash of resentment he swept them to the floor and picked up his old ones. Left ear broken or not, he turned up the music until he could barely hear himself think. He laid on his bed and closed his eyes, and he wished for it to be over.


	3. A Hole In the Earth

Alex headed straight to Jacob’s after school the next day. He dropped Bella off at home with Edward and as soon as her passenger door shut he was backing out of the driveway. He could feel the stress slipping off of him the nearer he got to La Push, leaving it behind in Forks, and by the time he pulled up to the Black’s home his lips were fighting to turn up at the corners.

Jacob came running out of his garage at the sound of the truck parking, and Alex immediately reached out to pull him into an embrace.

“Hey,” Jacob laughed, “I didn’t think I’d see you til tomorrow…?” He trailed off as he skeptically returned the hug.

Alex held him tightly until his arm ached in protest, and he savored the moment. He allowed himself one slow breath before pulling away. It wasn’t fast enough however, and Jacob noticed that something was off.

“I’ll be alright — don’t get all worried,” Alex disclaimed.

“Am I allowed to ask what happened anyway?”

“Bella.”

Jacob’s eyes flickered down. “Your arm—?” He reached out toward Alex’s wrapped left hand peeking out from his sleeve.

“Bella,” Alex repeated with a laugh and waved away Jake’s hand in a show of alrightness. 

“That answer gets less surprising every time,” Jacob smirked. 

They headed toward the garage and Alex felt himself be caught in the pull of Jacob’s gravity — the kind that made him want to glue himself to Jacob’s side as they walked, but he ignored it like always.

“Did you happen to notice anything weird on your way here?” Jacob asked hesitantly.

Alex scoffed at the notion. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific than ‘weird’.”

“Earlier today Quil mentioned there’s supposed to be some big epic party later tonight that he heard other people talking about,” he explained.

“Who’s party is it?”

“No clue,” Jacob shrugged. “He didn’t say. I don’t think he even knew.”

“Well, what’s the party for?”

“He didn’t say that either.” Jacob leaned against his more than half completed car. “I don’t know what’s gotten into some people around here today, but even my dad is in an unusually chipper mood.” 

A slow smile spread across Alex’s face. “So we’re going to that party, right? At least just to see what the hell is going on?”

Jacob laughed. “Well I’m sure Quil is going no matter what, which means Embry is going too, which means they’ll show up ready to drag me there whether I want to or not.”

“I’ll help them,” Alex smiled puckishly. He perched on his usual stool next to the Rabbit and drew a knee up to his chest to rest his chin on.

Jacob shook his head at him as he opened the hood of the car. “Didn’t think you were one for parties.”

“I guess it all depends on who’s there,” Alex answered and unconsciously tugged at his left sleeve.

The sky darkened as the sun set behind the heavy clouds and cast the world in deep shades of blue. Billy Black had checked out the window no more than five minutes ago to see yellow light spilling out of the garage and his old truck still in their driveway when the phone rang.

“ALEX!”

The two boys startled at the sound of Billy’s loud, hurried voice. They nervously looked to the back door where Billy called out again and waved them over. He didn’t wait before wheeling himself back inside with haste. Fear blossomed in Alex’s gut and he raced toward the house with Jacob at his heels.

Billy was on the phone when they got inside.

“Yes, yes, I promise, Charlie — Alex is alright, he’s been here since four o’clock, he’s perfectly fine. I’m so sorry, Charlie — hang on, here he is now.”

Alex took the phone and his hands shook as he put it to his ear.

“What’s happening?” Jacob whispered to Billy.

“Dad?”

“Alex!” Charlie said breathlessly. “Thank god you’re alright, I thought you might’ve been with her, that something happened to you too—”

“What do you mean—?”

“Bella is missing.”

The world swayed beneath Alex and his breath left his body.

“I got home and she was gone,” Charlie sputtered. “She left a note but it’s been hours. Search parties are being put together—”

“I’ll be home as fast as I can,” Alex said when he managed to find his voice and hung up the phone.

“I’m so sorry, Alex,” Billy said with tearful eyes as they headed to the front door.

Jacob grabbed his coat from the back of a kitchen chair. “I’m coming with you.” 

Alex nearly tripped over himself, but Billy beat him to the argument. “No, Jacob, I think you need to stay home,” he said carefully.

“Dad, if Bella is missing I want to go help—”

“Charlie told me there is already a group from the res on their way over there,” Billy said. “We don’t know what’s happened yet and it’s best if you stay home safe for right now.” Billy’s tone grew more commanding than concerned as he stared Jacob down, and his words sparked something at the back of Alex’s mind. Billy knew the company Bella kept. He’d been warning her for months, and he had the same fear that they had something to do with this. The same fear that Alex had. 

“He’s right, Jake, you should stay here where it’s safe,” Alex agreed.

Jacob fumbled over his words as he stared shocked. “I—W-what?”

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered and silently pleaded for him to understand as he walked out the door. 

Thunder rumbled overhead and a few cold tears were escaping from the low clouds. Alex pulled the hood of his jacket up as he sped to the truck.

The screen door slammed shut and Jacob raced out after him. 

“Stay here where it’s safe?! Then why should you be going!” Jacob floundered, his voice rising with frustration. He grabbed Alex’s elbow to stop him. “I’m going with you!” 

Alex turned sharply on his heel to face Jacob. “No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am—”

“I don’t want you to,” Alex snapped sternly. The look of hurt that broke across Jacob’s face was like a knife twisting into Alex’s heart, even though he’d meant what he said. Alex reached up and wrapped his arms around Jacob’s shoulders and pulled him into a crushing hug. His throat suddenly felt too tight to speak. “Just… stay here. Stay safe,” Alex whispered, “for me, please? I can’t lose you.” 

He kissed Jacob’s cheek, barely more than a peck, and broke away from him. He swung into the truck before Jacob could come out of his shock and he drove away.

When the truck was out of sight Jacob bustled back inside his house like the dark clouds outside, restless and ready to storm.

“I hid the keys,” Billy broke through his son’s angry, determined haste. “Don’t bother looking for them.”

It was completely dark when Alex reached his home. The sprinkling of rain had turned into a steady drizzle, and he tried to still his reeling mind that he’d let loose during the drive. He’d come to two conclusions: Bella was dead because of Edward, or she had run away with him, likely for good this time. Either way, both thoughts brought a sharp wave of despair he didn’t want to face until he had no other choice. 

Lines of cars were parked on the curb next to their house and in the driveway and Alex had to park on the other side of the street. He steeled himself to face one of the nightmarish outcomes he had begun quietly fearing long before tonight. 

Charlie rushed out the front door at the alerts from people in the yard who’d seen Alex arrive. He wrapped his arms around his son and held him to his chest. “I thought you were missing too. I was so worried when I got home and you were both gone.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex croaked. “I told her where I was going, I thought she would tell you, but…”

“I know, son, it’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

But what if this all is, Alex’s mind whispered to him. He’d seen this coming, why hadn’t he done something to stop it?

Charlie led him into the house and explained what little they knew. On the kitchen table a map was laid out and had been written on — x’s made and circles drawn where the groups were searching in the surrounding woods. Next to the map was the note Bella had left saying she went on a walk in the trails behind the house and would be back soon. 

Alex read the note and reread it again, and a weird feeling crept over him. Bella wouldn't have bothered to leave a note if she would have been back soon — it felt too perfect, like a clue for where to look when she didn’t return.

“A second wave of groups are about to head out now,” Charlie explained.

“I want to help look,” Alex said quickly.

“I know — I knew you’d say that.” Charlie sighed and rubbed his mustache. “No one is allowed to search alone, especially since it’s dark now and the rain is picking up. A couple of my deputies are in the second round of search parties — I’d feel best if you went with them, alright?”

Alex nodded and followed him out the back door to the yard facing the woods. The darkness behind the trees was thick and the branches beckoned like fingers tempting the unassuming into its reach. 

The yard was illuminated by the headlights of the cruiser and the first recognizable car Alex had seen since arriving. In front of the Suburban Mike Newton stood next to his father, along with Mr. Weber, and a few other parents from the area. When Mike saw Alex trailing behind Charlie he threw him an apologetic, sorrowful look and Alex nodded back in acknowledgement — there weren’t words that could help at a time like this.

Beside them were two of Charlie’s deputies who Alex remembered meeting briefly before, but across from them, more removed from all the other volunteers, were three familiar boys. Well, two boys — one of them seemed much closer to a man despite the way they all three towered over everyone else.

The dark look on Paul’s face made Alex do a double take. The seriousness he exuded left him almost unrecognizable, especially since Alex hadn’t seen him in over a month. None of them had. Paul’s sudden reappearance combined with the grave faces of Sam Uley and the boy Alex’s mind strained to remember the name of made his blood run cold. The three of them didn’t look sad or pitying like the other volunteers did. They were determined, provoked even. 

They had the vague look of people who knew more than everyone else, and Alex wondered if he had that same look too.

Charlie launched into explaining the plan to cover the area most effectively and safely — what to look for and other points he’d had to go over for search parties before, though they’d never been for his own daughter. He’d be staying at the house for now so he’d be more easily reported to should they find anything. 

While the others listened to him, Paul met Alex’s shocked eyes, and Alex saw a flicker of familiar conviction on his face.

One of the deputies passed around flashlights and as the groups broke apart to head into their search directions Paul leaned toward Alex and brushed his hand with his own. 

“We’ll find her, Alex, don’t worry,” he whispered. Paul squeezed Alex’s hand then abruptly turned to catch up with Sam and Jared — Alex’s mind conjured up the name from some vague memory on a beach months ago, not that it really mattered that he remembered the name at a time like this, Alex thought numbly. 

Charlie called out to the deputies on either side of Alex as they reached the treeline. “Look after my son, you two,” he said. In any other circumstance it might have been teasing, but Charlie could have stared holes into their backs as he watched them disappear into the branches and shadows.

Deputies Mark and McCreery took the lead, though they never let Alex more than a few steps behind them, and when they reached deeper into the thick of the woods, they didn’t let Alex get more than a few steps ahead — telling him once, twice, three times to slow down. They needed to look more carefully, not to mention they were struggling to keep up as the rain slickened the earth and blurred the yellow beams of their flashlights. But Alex knew they didn’t need to bother to inspect more closely yet, so he powered on. He knew she wouldn’t be easy to find if Edward had… had… 

Alex cut that train of thought off immediately. He didn’t want to confront those possibilities that were looking more and more likely. He wouldn’t think about Edward luring her out here or snapping and giving in to his hunger in another flash of bloodlust. He wouldn’t think about how he felt so surely that Edward had been the one to write the note, perhaps racked with guilt over murdering the girl he loved and wanting to make sure they at least had a chance of finding her body, leaving her out here to look like it had been an accident.

A violent gasping breath shook Alex’s body. It was somewhere between the start of a sob and the onset of shivers as the icy rain licked its way beneath the hood of his jacket. The consistent pattering of rain and the echoes of the deputies shouting Bella’s name covered up his hiccuped breathing well, and Alex bit his lip to keep it together. 

The smear of lights flitting between branches and ferns and foliage cast monstrous shadows that never failed to make Alex’s heart leap. Sometimes he imagined he saw a body and other times they looked like a crouched hungry creature lying in wait. He stumbled through the underbrush and slipped on slick forest floor and his shoes sunk into the muddy ground. He called out with the deputies and looked for splatters of red. His throat felt tight and he wanted to scream out the Cullen's names instead of Bella's. The others didn't know that Edward was the last one to see her, other than Alex himself, and a sick feeling twisted in his gut when he realized he had chosen to leave her alone with him. 

Between the chill and the fear Alex’s shivering grew worse.They searched until the rain had dripped down his collar and into his clothes. Deputy Mark noticed his trembling figure and his white face and made the call to turn back.

“We’ve searched our area thoroughly enough. We’ll go back and report that there’s nothing here and narrow down the search,” he said. It was an excuse, but Alex could tell he wasn’t going to take no for an answer, and the last thing he wanted was to cause Charlie more trouble because he had decided to be stubborn.

They broke through the treeline and back into the yard. Charlie met them at the back door with expectant, hopeful eyes. Deputy McCreery told him their news, or rather lack thereof, while Charlie nodded gravely and turned his somber eyes to Alex, who’s teeth chattered and his dampened hair had matted to his temples and neck.

The deputies went back outside to the volunteers to inform them of the new search radius and check in. Charlie brought Alex a towel to dry off with and wrap around himself to warm up, and they sat together at the kitchen table like they had so many mornings and so many evenings before — the surreal night making Bella’s empty seat painfully obvious. Neither of them spoke while Charlie stared at the map and reread the note again and again, and Alex stared off into the yard as helplessness set in. 

But then the shouts began. 

Alex and Charlie dashed out the door to see Sam Uley emerging from the woods with a pale, limp Bella in his arms. The edges of Alex's vision threatened to swallow the world black as he anticipated red smears down her neck. But then she shivered and her teeth clicked together as she mumbled incoherent whispers.

“She’s not hurt I don’t think,” Sam said as he transferred her gently into Charlie’s arms. 

“Bella, are you alright, honey? Are you hurt?” Charlie asked breathlessly. 

Alex followed him back into the house, anxiously waiting for the ball to drop, waiting for them to find the blood… she was too pale.

People trailed behind the Swan’s into the living room. Charlie laid Bella on the couch and she stirred for the first time. 

“I’m all wet,” Bella murmured in protest, barely audible.

Alex kneeled on the floor beside her while Charlie bustled around for blankets. “You’ve been missing for almost seven hours and you’re worried about getting the couch wet?” He almost laughed despite the tears blurring his vision, or maybe he was crying.

“Alex?” Bella’s voice was too small. “He’s gone,” she whispered, but her eyes closed again and the words evaporated into the air like smoke as she said it.

Alex froze. He couldn't have heard her right.

Charlie laid thick blankets over Bella and tucked them around her. An older man followed closely behind him, and Alex stood and backed away to let him crouch in front of her. 

“Bella, can you open your eyes for me?” Dr. Gerandy asked gently. Slowly she peeled her red rimmed eyes open. “Good, good, thank you,” he encouraged. Dr. Gerandy pried with more questions as he pressed a hand to her forehead and found her pulse in her wrist — was she hurt, was she in pain. Until finally he reached the question they were all wondering. “Can you tell us what happened, Bella?”

Panic tried to rise to the surface in her far away gaze, but she sank into her unresponsive state again like it was a sanctuary.

“I heard her say ‘he’s gone’,” Alex said quietly. Charlie snapped his head up, something in his eyes clicking.

“Did you get lost?” Dr. Gerandy pried for an answer.

“Yes,” she murmured. Her lips barely moved around the word.

When Dr. Gerandy deduced there was nothing physically wrong with her, Charlie pulled him over, voice low and tense. “It’s true then?” He asked. “They left?”

Alex listened with anxiety clawing in his chest.

“It was all very sudden. Dr. Cullen didn’t want to make a big show of leaving and asked us to keep it quiet if we could. But yes, they are gone.”

He struggled to wrap his mind around the idea. “Gone gone?” Alex gaped.

Dr. Gerandy nodded soberly.

“A heads up would have been nice,” Charlie grumbled and looked down at Bella shaking beneath the blankets.

The Cullen’s had left. It was hard to comprehend — they couldn’t really be gone, and so fast. They were probably harboured down in their house, hiding, letting the news work it’s way through the small town like wildfire, Alex thought. But he felt the ache of the bruises on his arm and spied the edge of the scar on Bella’s wrist she had tucked into herself, and he considered maybe the Cullen’s realized they had already had too many close calls. They still had to keep their secret after all, and they'd made too many slip ups in less than a year. 

Alex kneeled by Bella again. Her eyes had slipped closed and she was beginning to drift off, but through the slightest part of her lips he heard her breathing still. “He’s gone, he’s gone…”

She wasn’t telling them he was gone to explain what happened, Alex realized. She was calling out for him still. She didn’t care that she could have died tonight or three nights ago or every night — she only wanted them, her vampires.

Alex flushed with too many emotions broiling inside him and he backed away suddenly. He glanced up to see Charlie speaking with Sam now, thanking him, asking where he found her. Sam had stayed out of the way once Charlie took Bella from his arms, but he had stayed at the edge of the room, watching over. And he was alone now. His two cohorts weren’t at his sides anymore. 

Alex scanned around for his ex-friend. Out the front window headlights brightened as people left, and he spied Paul and Jared climbing into an old SUV at the end of the driveway. Alex was out the door before he realized he had made a decision.

He ran out to the SUV and grabbed hold of the door before Paul could get into the passenger seat and shut it. “Where are you going?” Alex panted.

Paul startled and studied him cautiously. “Back to the res…” he said slowly. “There’s, uh, a celebration that we were going to before we got the news that Bella was missing.”

The sound of a celebration — a party — registered with Alex. Jake would undoubtedly be there, coerced into going by Embry and Quil, or maybe by his own volition fueled by a petty spite to disregard Alex’s request for him to stay put. It seemed almost definite as Alex thought about it.

“Take me with you.”

Paul glanced at Jared waiting impatiently in the driver’s seat, fingers tapping against the steering wheel. “Alex, I don’t know…”

“Jake and the others will be there — I was already planning on going with them tonight anyway,” Alex pleaded. 

Paul sighed heavily. “Fine. Just… don’t ask any questions on the way, alright?”

“Fine by me.” Alex let go of his door and settled into the back seat. 

The orange flicker of a bonfire was visible far before the people around it. Once they parked Alex could spy dancing figures and people running around and the echo of laughter and singing reached him as he walked down the beach. The bonfire was twice as tall as him and wider than his arm span, burning steadily and warmly on the otherwise wet and chilly night.

Celebration was more accurate — it was not some party thrown by rowdy high school kids. Young and old were there, sitting around passing drinks and shouting over the crackle of the fire and the hush of the waves and the chatter of conversation.

Paul and Jared had broken away from Alex as soon as they reached the sand. Alex murmured an earnest thank you and Paul gave him a short, silent nod before running off to the far side of the fire. 

Jacob sat facing the fire next to Leah and Seth. Quil and Embry wrestled a few feet in front of them for ownership of the bottle they’d swiped from somewhere or someone else there.

Leah noticed Alex walking toward them first and her head snapped over to him. The others looked up to see what had caught her attention.

“Alex!” Quil cheered. “You came!”

Embry snatched the tall full bottle from his hands and shoved him over while he was distracted. Alex smiled crookedly and opened his mouth to speak but found no words when Jacob turned to look at him with an icy glare.

Jacob was up and pulling Alex by the arm before anyone else had the chance to interrupt. “Can I talk to you,” he said more than asked.

Quil and Embry “Ooh”ed and Seth laughed with them as Jake dragged Alex away from the throng of people.

At the edge of the glowing bubble of warmth from the fire, Jacob turned to him, stern eyes like daggers. “What the hell happened?” he demanded. 

“Bella was missing so I went to help look—”

“Yeah, I know that much. The news already got to us that she’s fine, too. I’m asking about the ‘stay safe, stay here’. Why couldn’t I come with?”

Alex’s stomach twisted sharply and the image of Bella white and motionless flitted through his mind, followed by a splatter of red added to the nightmarish mental picture that had been burned into his mind. “It was dangerous, Jake.” 

His glare turned withering and scornful. “But not for you?”

“Yes, for me, too—” 

“Then what the hell is so dangerous that you and my dad wanted to keep me away from!” Jacob’s voice rose and he started to pace from the pent up frustration.

“I can’t explain it."

“Try!” Jacob halted in his steps and waited expectantly. 

Alex licked his lips as he scrambled for what to tell him, if he should tell him. “Whatever happened to a truce?”

“Whatever happened to not pushing me away?” Jacob countered. “I can make myself ignore the little things that you’ve kept from me, but this? Bella went missing for christ's sake!” 

Alex stared, at a loss for words. 

Jacob shook his head and continued to fill the silence. “I don’t know how or even what it is I’m trying to make sense of but it has to do with the Cullen’s, doesn’t it? I mean between the way you acted around them, like you didn’t want Bella around them either — and the whole fucking res is throwing a goddamn celebration that they’re gone! So what’s the deal with them that you know and I don't. What aren’t you telling me?” His glare had turned into desperate, pleading eyes, and Alex felt his reticence cracking. 

“They… they’re not people we should be around." Alex said. "It isn’t safe around them."

Jacob studied him closely through narrowed eyes. “You sound like—”

“Your dad. I know.”

“Okay, so,” Jacob tried to pick his questions carefully, afraid Alex would change his mind and the walls would come creeping back up, “did they hurt Bella or something?” 

Alex chewed his lip in thought. “Not intentionally, I don’t think.” 

“Does what happened in Phoenix have to do with it?” He was desperate to see the bigger picture from only a few pieces, but he felt like he was trying to put together a puzzle that was mostly turned upside down. 

“They weren’t entirely responsible for what happened in the spring,but if Bella had never gotten involved with them, it never would have happened, so,” Alex explained.

“But let me guess — you can’t get into it.”

“Does it matter anymore?” Alex begged. “They’re gone — we don’t have to worry about it anymore. It’s over.”

“Is it?” Jacob asked. 

“I guess we’ll find out,” Alex answered quietly.

Jacob dropped his head back and groaned. His frustration still clung to him, making him want to pull at his hair and pace again, but he was running out of steam. As vague as the answers were it was still more than he’d gotten in months. “So they’re bad people?” he reiterated. 

“Yes…” Alex fidgeted with uncertainty. “But no, not really… I don’t know. They aren’t necessarily bad, but bad things are bound to happen around them. And anyone who gets involved with them just gets tangled up in their mess whether they want to or not, and I really do think it’s better that they aren’t around now,” he rushed out.

“And Bella’s okay?” Jacob looked to him restlessly.

“Yes,” Alex answered more confidently, “I wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t.”

A beat of silence passed and Jacob pulled Alex into a crushing hug, much like the one Alex had given him before driving off hours ago. Alex sighed as he hid his face in Jake’s shoulder, fearing he might do something rash and stupid like kiss him if they pulled away too soon.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d come back,” Jacob whispered.

“I’ll always come back for you.”

The nearing chatter of others broke them apart, and Embry and Quil ambled toward them — having grown impatient with the two’s secretive talk. 

“We allowed to interrupt yet?” Embry teased.

“It’s a little late to be asking if you’re already over here,” Jacob bantered back.

“Just trying to be generous before it’s all gone,” Quil grinned with the tall bottle in his hand. The clear liquid inside sloshed as he gestured and extended the bottle to Alex. “You haven’t been offered your share, if you want any,” he said.

Alex took the unlabeled bottle from him and channeled his rash and stupid urges into something other than thinking about kissing his best friend. He took a zealous swig and Jacob scoffed. 

“What?” Alex defended. “I’m here to celebrate too.” He took a second smaller swig and held back a grimace at the sharp taste of what was definitely cheap rum.

“We’re just here for the alcohol,” Embry laughed, his smile already loose. He wavered subtly as he reached to take the bottle from Alex.

Jacob quickly intervened and grabbed the bottle from him with a withering look. “Well I’m behind all of you — especially you, Em,” he said pointedly and drank.

They moved back to their spot around the fire where Leah and Seth sat. She stared across the flames, eyes fixated but her face vacant. 

“Oh shit,” Embry gasped.

“Here, I think you need this more than we do,” Jacob said and held out the bottle to her. 

She pushed it away with barely a glance. “I’m not drinking tonight,” she said simply.

“You sure? This seems like a good excuse if I’d ever seen one.”

“I’m sure,” she answered confidently. Her eyes never moved however.

Across the yawning fire Paul and Jared were laughing and messing around, their words muffled through the voices and music around them, but beside them stood Sam. He had finally shown up, and at his side was Emily.

“You okay?” Alex asked after he moved to sit beside her.

Leah nodded slowly. “Emily and I talked a few days ago. She explained some things, and yeah, it's still a shitty situation, but we’d both be lying if we said we didn't miss each other despite it all. She was like a sister to me, you know…" Leah took a deep breath and finally dropped her gaze. "I haven’t exactly forgiven anything but talking to her helped a little. We didn’t really talk about… him — it was more about her wanting to find a way to fix things with me, even if that means I have to hate her for a while. But I realized I don’t anymore — it’s mostly just… awkward.” 

Leah’s eyes flickered back up to them and only lingering pain remained. 

"Why are you torturing yourself?" Alex huffed.

“I guess it’s better to stop avoiding seeing them together. I can’t do it forever and I’m not really getting over it if I act like it doesn’t exist," Leah sighed.

Alex extended a hand to her. “Come on,” he said and stood up. “Dance with me, please?” She snickered at him but let herself be pulled to her feet. 

The tension in Leah melted away with every turn and spin and twirl. Loosened by his tipsiness, Alex danced with her without the self-consciousness he would usually harbor, and he didn't pay any mind to being watched by Jacob still sitting near the fire with his chin resting in his hand. Jacob's eyes followed Alex's graceful figure and thought back to the one time they'd danced together, and he thought about how he wanted a redo. He wanted to actually dance with Alex, not just sway and shuffle their feet, but to move freely with him the way he watched him do with Leah.

Sharp laughter caught Jacob's attention and he turned to Embry cackling on the ground. He'd leaned back until he was laying in the sand and he held his midsection as he shuddered with laughter. Quil had his own grin concealed behind his hand and was doing a poor job of looking unsuspicious as he shushed Embry.

“Shut up!” he laughed. “You’re going to give us away!”

“You were so obvious! They already know — they had to have seen you, you idiot,” Embry gasped between laughs.

“Give what away?” Jacob asked. His wavering mind tried to piece together what he’d missed.

“Are they still looking?” Embry asked, speech slightly slurred either from drink or from struggling to keep himself together. He nodded to Sam’s group far across the fire from them. “Someone check, but make it subtle.” 

“I think subtlety's out the window, Em,” Quil snorted.

“What the hell did you do?” Jacob groaned.

Quil broke into poorly contained laughter again. “I was just looking at them—”

“Staring!” Embry said pointedly. “You were staring at them! And talking about them!”

“And all of the sudden they looked up and caught me and I swear to god, Sam looked so serious I thought he was about to come over here and kill us,” Quil giggled.

Jacob flitted his eyes over to Sam’s group as he explained. Instead of being distracted in conversation with themselves like before, the group was looking back. Sam sat next to an older man, their mouths moving as they talked in hushed tones, their eyes piercing right back at the three of them.

Jacob looked away quickly. “Yeah, they’re straight up watching us,” he winced. 

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Alex dropped next to Jacob suddenly, making him jump. Seth had taken Alex’s place and was dancing with Leah instead.

“I don’t know, but it’s giving me the creeps they way they’re staring at us,” Embry said.

“Ooooh, spooky,” Quil teased him. His fingers skittered across Embry’s shoulder the way some crawly creature might creep up him.

Embry shoved Quil’s hands away. “Fuck off,” he laughed, “as if you don’t find Paul’s new little gang weird as hell.”

Alex couldn’t help but watch the group across from them too. Sam and the older man next to him were the only ones still looking over, and the feeling that they knew more than everyone else soaked into him again.

Jacob bumped Alex’s shoulder when he noticed the intense look on his face. Alex broke out of his stare and his usual lightness returned.

“What is it?” Jacob questioned.

Alex giggled and shook his head dismissively. “I have a feeling I know what they’re talking about…” he said with a knowing smile. The cadence of his words were a little off as he made an effort not to slur or mumble and he leaned into Jacob’s side and lowered his voice. “They’re probably wondering if it’s real… if they’re going to stay gone…”

The Cullen’s would be back — that’s probably why they looked more tame than the others, Alex thought. They believed they’d be back and this was all a big false alarm. The Cullen’s wouldn’t stay away, Alex was suddenly sure of that fact through his swimming muddled thoughts. 

“Alessio, I think you should stop drinking,” Jacob said lowly and smiled sweetly at him. He slipped the bottle from Alex’s fingers into his own. “You’re barely making any sense.” 

Jacob’s husky voice rumbled in his chest and Alex smiled when he felt it through his rib cage.

“You’re always right, even when you’re wrong,” Alex hummed. “I’m making perfect sense — it all makes perfect sense now,” he said with conviction. 

Jacob laughed and shook his head at him. “I’ll agree to that first part at least,” he said. The image of Alex moving freely played in a loop in his head. “Why don’t you dance more?” he asked before he knew he was going to speak.

Heat rose to Alex’s cheeks and he tried to subdue his embarrassed laugh. “Why do you ask? Do you think I should?”

“Yes,” Jacob answered easily. 

“I don’t know about that…”

“But I’m always right, remember?” Jacob smirked. “Your words, not mine.”

Alex dropped his head onto Jacob's shoulder as his face flushed brighter. Jacob’s chest fluttered, and he forgot about why there was a party in the first place and all the questions he still wanted to ask. There was no point in dissecting it all now when he could savor the feeling of his best friend tucked into his side. He rested his cheek against the top of Alex’s head and raised the almost empty bottle to his lips and took another drink.

—

“Do you think they’re stopped from changing, now that they’re gone?” Sam asked, watching the group of boys through the flames.

“If they are truly gone, and stay away, then perhaps they’ll be able to avoid it,” his grandfather answered, “but only time will tell.”

—

Late into the night, or rather very early into the morning, a sober Leah took Jacob and Alex back to the Black’s house on her and Seth’s ways home. 

“Don’t worry about trying to sneak in and not wake up Billy — my dad picked him up and they were already cracking open beers when I left earlier. Knowing them they’re probably still there,” she told them as they pulled into the driveway.

Sure enough the house was dark and empty when Jacob and Alex walked in. They stumbled and giggled their way through the door and Alex led them to the kitchen and flipped on the lights. He pushed a swaying Jacob into a chair and began pillaging through the cabinets. 

“What’re you looking for?” Jake mumbled. 

“Glasses,” Alex mumbled.

He swung his head around to follow Alex's wobbly form reaching into a cabinet and he squinted at him. “Why? Have you always had contacts? Why didn’t I ever notice?” he asked fervently.

Alex broke into laughter and leaned against the counter for support or else stumble into something. As pleasant of a sound as it was to Jacob, he couldn’t figure out what he had done to cause it, but he smiled with him nonetheless.

It wasn’t until Alex put a glass filled with water into his hand that it clicked in his foggy mind. “Oh.”

Alex giggled quietly. “‘Oh’,” he teased. “Drink, please, you’ll thank me tomorrow.” He lifted Jake’s hand with the glass in it with encouragement while Jacob was busy staring at him with soft eyes. He obediently took a sip, and Alex tilted the bottom of the glass a little higher. “Finish,” he insisted with a smile and gulped down half his own glass before they staggered to the bedroom.

Jacob swayed in front of his closet as he pulled out sleep clothes and looked at Alex who had already collapsed onto the bed, still in jeans and his sweatshirt. With swimming vision Jake rummaged through his drawers until he came across a pair of sweatpants and he threw them to Alex. 

Alex fumbled and failed to catch them and they landed in his face. Jacob laughed under his breath and when Alex looked he was smirking lazily at him. “What’re these for?” he asked and sat up.

“T’sleep in.”

Alex’s eyes lingered on Jacob’s much fitter, muscular frame compared to his own. “Jake, these’re never going to fit me,” he protested but he rose to change anyway, more to distract from the blush rising to his cheeks as Jacob turned his back to him and stripped.

“You’ll be laying down, it’ll be fine,” Jake slurred and pulled on a thread barren shirt and pajama bottoms.

The thought of undressing while Jacob watched was enough to make Alex quickly change while his back was still turned. As expected the sweatpants pooled at his ankles and had at least a fist’s worth of room in the waist.

A laugh curled from Jacob when he turned around to see Alex holding onto the waistband. Without thinking Jacob grabbed his arm, and Alex’s pulse spiked as he let himself he pulled to stand in front of Jacob, caged between him and the bed. 

Alex held the waist of the pants tighter to keep them up, but Jacob reached for the drawstrings and pulled strongly, and Alex was desperately grateful the room was dim with only the little yellow lamp on the other side of the room on because his face and neck burned and his breathing stuttered and his toes curled as he tried to keep his body from reacting to Jake's fingers brushing his waist as he tied the strings. 

Alex sank back onto the bed, heart pounding harder than it had any right to. Jacob walked over to turn the light off and laid down next to him. He was certain Jake could feel the reverberations of his heart thumping wildly in his chest if it weren’t for the exhaustion calling them to sleep. Between their tipsiness and the stress of the day, their eyes slipped closed immediately.

—

They woke up to Leah throwing a water bottle at them. “Get up,” she chirped. “Alex, I’m taking you home.” 

“What, why? What’s happening?” He blinked as he tried to adjust to the bright morning light flooding the room. 

“I figured you'd need a way to get home that wasn’t Jake illegally getting you there,” she said. “Billy’s already awake by the way. I talked to him in the kitchen when I got here.” 

Jacob squinted at her and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “That means my dad knows Alex stayed the night I take it?” 

While they talked slow panic frayed at the edges of Alex’s mind as the previous night came back to him. The relief he had felt was trickling into sobered guilt for Bella. He sat up despite the shifting room and searched for his clothes on the floor.

“Yeah, he knows,” Leah replied. “He told Charlie, too, so no need to freak out, Alex. Apparently around, like, three or four A.M. Charlie called Billy to tell him to tell the party to calm down because he was getting disturbance calls.”

Alex groaned at the thought of facing Charlie but scrambled to change as Leah talked. When he glanced at her she was watching him with a curious look but continued talking as if nothing had happened.

Jacob sat up and leaned against his headboard, his head mildly throbbing, by the time Alex shoved his shoes on. Alex turned to Jacob as Leah made her way out the door. 

“I’ll see you soon,” he told him.

‘“If neither of us are grounded,” Jacob grumbled but he grinned anyway.

“I’ll sneak out,” Alex smirked. “What’s the worst he’s going to do? Ground me again?” He winked and headed off after Leah.

The tension in the car was suffocatingly thick.

“Just ask already, goddammit,” Alex snapped.

“WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?” Leah burst. 

Alex scoffed at her. “Nothing.” 

“You were literally caught in the same bed.”

“Yeah, sleeping.” 

She raised an incredulous brow. “Nothing before that thought?” 

“No, we were both drunk,” Alex defended. “I would never have tried anything.” 

Leah shook her head as she smirked. “If I was conveniently going to sleep in the same bed as my best friend who I’ve fallen head over heels for, and they totally liked me back, I would have kissed them,” she said. “Or at least spilled my guts already and told them how I feel.”

“Except he doesn't like me back,” Alex said simply. “Not in that way.” 

Leah’s eyes widened as she looked over at him. “And what makes you so sure?” 

“Because he just doesn’t— we’re best friends. And to my knowledge he doesn't even like boys.”

“To your knowledge,” Leah muttered. 

Alex rolled his eyes and deflated into the passenger seat, trying to get a grip on his headache before he was home and likely questioned by Charlie the moment he stepped foot through the door.

“This talk is far from over,” Leah told him as she pulled into the Swan’s driveway.

“Don’t you dare bring it up to him or meddle or do anything else that will make things weird,” Alex ordered as he got out of her car. She snickered something back but he couldn’t make it out through the closed car door. He watched her back out of the driveway and drive off — delaying the inevitable confrontation he was about to face.

The house was uncomfortably silent and still. Alex had barely taken two steps inside when the stiff atmosphere settled over him like a ghostly greeting. He quietly took his shoes and coat off at the door, the smallest noises seemed deafening, and he padded into the kitchen looking for some sign of life in the house. 

Charlie sat at the kitchen table with a cold mug of coffee, his head bowed tiredly. When Alex stood in the doorway he looked up and his eyes scanned him over. Charlie could spy the mild hangover clinging to Alex, but he had already decided to let it go sometime between when Alex left and when he’d been on the phone with Billy and was told both boys were safe and asleep — Alex was rarely the twin that acted out of line, and after last night Charlie figured he deserved it just this once.

Alex chewed his lip as he waited for some kind of reprimand. When it didn’t come he glanced up the stairs. “How is she?” he asked timidly.

Charlie sighed and rested his head against his hand.

“That bad?”

“Yeah,” Charlie whispered and dropped his eyes to the half drank coffee in his hand.

Alex crept upstairs as silently as possible. Bella laid in bed when he inched her door open, and at first he thought she was asleep, curled in on herself and motionless, but then he saw her eyes were open — heavy lids lowered into vacant slits. 

She’d made no response in the slightest at his entrance. Alarmed, Alex briefly thought to check that she was breathing before he saw her chest rise and fall with a sigh. 

This was some temporary quiet protest at the Cullen’s ‘absence’, before they came back for her or sent for her or something — it was all for show, Alex thought to himself. But as he looked at her his stomach sank to the floor.

Dreaded as the Cullen’s were to him Alex momentarily hoped, for Bella’s sake, that their absence would be brief.

But it wouldn't be.


	4. All I Believe In

The Swan house became haunted, not by ghosts, but by Bella. Her silence blanketed them always, and every noise made echoed through the halls of their hollowed out home. The shell of Bella drove herself and her brother to school some days, but with increasing frequency Alex took the keys from her on the mornings when it seemed like she could barely even move her feet, let alone drive. Alex deflected questions thrown at her from classmates and teachers and shielded her from their stares the best he could. In the handful of classes they shared Bella continued to sit in the far back, as if breaking that routine and acknowledging the change would make everything more real, even though the chair next to her now sat abandoned. 

It didn’t take long before Alex stubbornly moved to fill the seat beside her, departing from his usual desk by Angela or Jessica.

“If you refuse to move to sit by me then I’m moving to sit by you — you’re stuck with me either way,” he told her matter of factly at the beginning of class the day he changed seats.

She hadn’t replied — she never did anymore, but after that day she’d seek him out to walk with him between classes, sometimes waiting outside his classroom before going to lunch together. They sat beside one another again, no empty chair separating her from the rest of the table. 

The twins barely spoke, but Bella’s quiet attachment was enough to let Alex know she was grateful, and so he continued to do what little he could. He helped her go through the motions of life despite the days when frustration or desperation would rear its head in him or Charlie — the days they wanted to shake her until she did something, anything, any kind of response.

There were days Alex wanted to yell he told her so — that this was bound to happen — she was wrong to believe those vampires would never hurt her. He wanted to tell her he’d be here for her anyway, like they always used to be, even though she stopped being there for him in the last year. He wanted to tell her she could survive this. 

But he never said anything. He never pushed the topic for fear she’d break irreparably.

The closest Bella had come to rising out of her blank state was after school one day in October, just under a month after the Cullen’s had left. She went to the parking lot after the last bell of the day where Alex always met with her. But he wasn't there. Bella numbly walked to the truck to wait. It wasn't until a few more minutes slowly ticked by that she became aware that Alex was never this late getting to the truck. Her eyes scanned the groups of students leaving, telling herself she'd catch a glimpse of a mop of dark hair and a flannel any minute now.

Bella's throat clenched, and the wall she'd built around the hole in her chest to keep herself from falling into that black despair trembled with panic trying to claw its way to the surface. He should be here, the alarms in her mind said. Why wasn't he here? Something's wrong. What if he doesn't show up? What if he left without her? She'd deserve it, she thought, but what if he's hurt and needs help? What if... 

Then Alex appeared at her side. Bella startled out of her stare that had grown distant and she barely suppressed her gasp.

"Sorry," he said softly. His eyes picked apart the buried terror in her expression. "I got caught up talking to Tara after class," he explained vaguely while he unlocked the truck.

Bella nodded minutely and climbed into the passenger seat as Alex settled in front of the wheel. She stared out the window the whole drive home, arms hugged around her chest, submerging herself in the numbness again, afraid to let herself feel. 

Not for the first time, she cried herself to sleep that night.

—

“Haven’t seen Jacob in a while,” Charlie said a little too casually. He and Alex stood at the sink cleaning up after dinner — Bella had said she wasn’t hungry and never came down to eat.

“I see him almost every weekend,” Alex replied skeptically. He didn’t look up from the plate he had cleaned as he handed it to Charlie.

“Right, I know.” Charlie dried the plate, glancing from Alex to the rag in his hand. “I guess what I’m trying to say is I haven't seen him over here in awhile… I hope nothing happened between you two.”

“Everything’s fine between us, Dad,” Alex almost laughed.

Charlie nodded slowly. “Listen, I understand it might be uncomfortable with things being the way they are right now, but... it’s been over a month — I don’t want to see your life come to a grinding halt too, alright? I know you’ve been hard on yourself since Bella’s been like this, and you feel each other’s pain and all that or whatever because it’s some kind of twin thing,” Charlie huffed a laugh as he spoke to try to lighten the atmosphere and Alex fought a smile despite himself, “but you have to draw the line somewhere. I’ve been waiting all week for you to mention plans for this weekend because I figured you would do something on Halloween with some friends. My point is, son, don’t stop, you know, doing whatever it was that you did before — having Jacob over, talking to friends on the phone some evenings — whatever it is, just don’t put it all on pause, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed truthfully and leaned against the sink as Charlie finished drying the last dish.

Alex drove to La Push, passing kids in costumes and early trick-or-treaters already out even though night had not yet fallen — however, the misty clouds hung low and darkened the sky with the threat of heavy rain. 

Jacob had been overjoyed, maybe even a little smug, when Alex had called him earlier in the week to finally ask if he would come over and spend the night, and that sunshine smile was still on his face when he climbed into the truck.

“About time,” Jake snickered gleefully.

“You’ve survived this long haven’t you?” Alex teased to hide his guilt. “Don’t make me change my mind and make you wait even longer.”

“Whatever you say, Red Riding Hood.” Jacob tugged one drawstring of Alex’s Phoenix hoodie, scrunching the side up and unevening the length of the strings. 

“First of all, it’s more orange than red so that analogy barely works,” Alex swatted his hand away and tried to suppress his smile, “and second, if I’m Red Riding Hood, what does that make you? The Big Bad Wolf?”

Jacob laughed, his bright eyes sparkling as he sat crooked in the passenger seat to face Alex. “I can live with that.”

Alex pointedly dragged his eyes up and down Jake and his lopsided smile and long limbs taking up his whole seat. Alex turned back to the road with an unconvinced smirk. “More like a big bad puppy dog.”

“It's the eyes isn't it?” Jacob sighed dramatically. “Too cute?”

“Definitely.”

By nightfall the rain had begun to pour in sheets whipping against the house in a steady rhythm, driving any late trick-or-treaters back indoors, and as soon as Charlie said goodnight and retreated to his bedroom, Alex and Jacob raced to the living room to begin their night of horror.

They sat on the floor with movies spread around them picking out as many as they thought they could fit into the night.

“It’s been too long since we’ve done this,” Jacob said and looked up at him with that smile that brightened the dark room easily and made Alex’s heart throb in his chest.

Alex dropped his eyes to the stack of movies they had — Halloween, Scream, Poltergeist. “One more?” he asked. Jacob considered the DVDs for a moment and reached for Fright Night, and Alex stopped breathing.

Bella could come down from her room, or she could overhear… Alex bit the inside of his cheek painfully as he debated the risk. The last thing he wanted was to upset her even more than she was, to remind her of it all, remind himself of it all even. A movie about a vampire living in town and invading a teenager’s life seemed too real now. But Jacob was here, and Bella hardly ever left her room, and they would be quiet anyway so as to not wake up Charlie. What was there to be scared of anymore?

“We’ll save it for last, I'd rather watch these first,” Alex excused and put it at the bottom of the stack. Bella would surely be asleep if they made it four movies in, he prayed.

His anxiety was quickly forgotten and overshadowed by Jacob's proximity. Every flinch at a scare had Alex fighting the instinct to hold onto Jake, but halfway into the second movie both boys had shrunk into the couch and into each other. At the end of the third movie, when it was time to get up and switch DVDs, Alex had to forcibly unbend his stiff fingers from between Jacob’s, red marks between each finger on each of their hands where they’d been tensed and squeezed together for over an hour. 

“Sorry,” Jacob laughed nervously and withdrew his hand to let Alex up. The static buzzed in his fingers as blood flow returned and his face felt hot and he blamed it on the blankets he was still buried under. He watched Alex's profile in the TV light, his gaze tracing over his silhouette, and he tore his eyes away when Alex turned around and resettled himself on the couch. As the movie started Jacob kept dropping his gaze to and from Alex's hand resting atop the blanket. 

Was it weird to want his hand back? It was one thing when they’d both lept and cowered together in fear, unconsciously clinging to one another as though that would protect them from a homicidal maniac hunting down teenagers or ghosts out for revenge, but now the movie had only just started and there was nothing to be scared of yet, nothing to have them wound up and ready to jump at the slightest of noises — though he noticed that Alex’s hand was already curled around the blanket and his posture tense. Maybe the time it took to change disks wasn’t enough for Alex to reset, Jacob thought. 

He took a breath and his stomach fluttered as he reached the slightest bit out and slid his hand between Alex’s and the blanket. Alex's eyes snapped to their hands then up to Jacob, face unreadable, and Jacob momentarily thought about pulling back, but the embarrassment seemed more terrifying than the movies. 

“Just being prepared,” he said quietly and laced their fingers together again while Alex watched stunned.

Alex’s heart fluttered wildly and he wasn’t sure if it was the presence of a vampire on the screen hitting too close to home, or the fact that Jacob had consciously chosen to hold his hand this time, not out of some survivalist reflex. Alex leaned into him further as the movie went on, thankful for Jake’s presence as he tried his best to not remember the bruises that were no longer on his wrist, faded away unlike the memory of getting them that was stuck in his mind vividly. And he tried not to think about red eyes and hair chasing him through the woods and cold teeth on his neck and the sound of glass and crystal shattering and the blood pooling down his sister’s arm. He found himself cringing away and avoiding looking at the screen more than any of the other movies, and he squeezed Jacob's hand every time those images resurfaced in his mind, and he was pulled back out of those memories when Jacob squeezed his hand back. 

Alex focused on the warmth of Jacob's arm pressed against his own and the feel of his hand fitted seamlessly into his. He did such a good job not thinking about real vampires and only thinking about Jacob — something he already felt he did too much — that when the credits rolled and they had no excuse to not pull apart, he thought he wouldn’t mind enduring another vampire movie if it meant he got to stay like that.

They broke apart. Alex refused to meet Jake’s eyes, quickly going to the TV to take the DVD out. Jacob shuffled nervously and gathered their blankets off the couch.

“I’ll meet you upstairs,” Alex said with his back turned to hide his reddened cheeks. He needed to collect himself and calm the fluttering in his chest.

Jacob hesitantly trudged up the stairs while Alex returned the movies to their homes and picked up.

It was nearing two in the morning, but as he made it to Alex's room he was restless. Jacob dropped the blankets onto the floor where his pallet still lay, an accidental permanent fixture left over from summer that Alex never got around to removing. It felt like a part of the room now. 

He turned on the lantern lights and the room came to life in a soft glow of color — he knew he’d missed being here. He sat in the desk chair and looked around even though nothing had changed, but it felt like it had been so long he needed to drink it all in again. The same notebooks laid out on the desk and familiar polaroid pictures taped to the wall above it. He smiled and reached toward the stack of pictures he spied inside a film box at the corner of the desk, curious to see what other ones Alex had tucked away. 

Jacob slid the pictures out of the box and paused when something at the bottom caught his eyes. He grinned as he heard Alex coming up the stairs.

“You know,” he said when Alex walked into the room and gently closed the door, “a few weeks ago when I said you needed to relax, this wasn’t quite what I meant. I meant more like maybe stop taking on too much responsibility of looking after Bella like you’re the parent and stop blaming yourself for what happened in September. But I’m not against this.”

Alex leaned against the door and regarded him curiously, then realized what Jacob was holding. He laughed lightly and pressed his lips together, unsure what to say. Jacob turned the box upside down and a small bag with recognizable green clumps inside fell onto the desk. 

“First of all,” Alex said, pointing a scathing finger at Jake, “you’re one to talk—”

Jacob narrowed his eyes and grabbed at the hand Alex had pointed accusatory at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Alex smirked and with his free hand grabbed the small bag and box. “I see right through you, Black.” Jacob scowled playfully at him despite the sudden vulnerable feeling taking over him. “But second, if there were ever a time of need to smoke again…” he shrugged and slid his other hand out of Jacob's grasp and walked over to the window at the far end of the room. “I haven’t smoked since Phoenix, and even then it wasn’t often, Bella did more than me. ”

“Seriously?” Jacob watched him smile timidly and turn to crack the window half way open. The sound of rain and a chilly breeze swept into the room.

“Yeah, Bella had a phase for it for a minute. She and I would skip gym to go smoke behind the bleachers, but other than that I only did it a handful of times after class with all the hipstery kids I wanted to be friends with back then. ”

Jacob considered it and pictured a yellow sun beaming off of hot to the touch silver benches and a circle of kids and a younger Alex quietly pining to be a part of it all. “It’s hard to picture you as the kid that tries that hard to fit in,” he admitted.

“It’s not exactly a period of life I’m proud of,” Alex said and scrunched his nose as he remembered it, eager to change the subject away from embarrassing memories. “There was also the time Renee had said she’s fine with it as long as we told her, and she proceeded to pull out her personal staff and show us how to roll a joint.”

Jacob stifled a laugh behind his hand and moved to sit across from Alex on the bay window. “I expect nothing less from a mom who is cool with her kids calling her by her first name.”

Alex reached into the film box and pulled out one of the sheets of thin paper that had been hidden at the bottom as well as a lighter. “Am I being a bad influence on you right now?” he asked lightly, a hint of genuine concern traced his voice as he kept his eyes on his hands working in front of him.

“You on me?” Jacob laughed and pulled the paper away from him and began rolling the joint with precise, skillful fingers. “Yeah right. Embry may or may not have shared with us in the last couple years — and I can probably count every time on one hand so you can stop staring at me like that now,” he said, eyes flicking up to Alex's surprised face.

“I don’t believe you, you’re too good at this to have only done it a few times,” Alex protested.

“I’m just good with my hands,” Jacob defended with a shrug. He tried to subdue his smug smile. “You’ve seen me build an entire car — well almost — but this surprises you?”

Alex scoffed and grabbed the joint from him and brought it to his lips. Jacob leaned back against the wall and watched as Alex lit it and breathed in, the end briefly glowing bright orange before he blew a cloud of smoke out the open window into the rain and held it out to Jacob.

“It just occurred to me that I’m doing this in a cop’s house,” Jacob said with a frown as he took his hit.

“With a cop’s son,” Alex smiled.

Jake resisted the tickle in his throat to cough. “Not exactly how I would’ve pictured it if you’d have told me I’d be doing this.”

“Well what would you have pictured it like?” Alex asked. 

Jacob fixated on watching Alex's fingers hold the thin joint gracefully, the same hand he’d been hesitant to let go of. “Less… calm,” he said. Their hands and knees grazed together as Alex leaned forward the slightest bit to pass it back to him, smoke curling around his pink lips. 

Less intimate, Jacob thought.

The sudden awareness caught him off guard and Jacob choked on the smoke he inhaled in his surprise. He stifled his cough and his blush into the crook of his arm as Alex took the joint back. Barely swallowing down his coughing fit, Jacob stood from the window seat to break away from the delicate feeling that had grown around them.

He drifted toward the glowing corner of the room in a futile attempt to run away from his pulsing heart. He gently touched one of the paper lights and looked down to his makeshift bed. More pillows and blankets had accumulated over time until it passed for a nest tucked away, almost in it’s own little world under the lights and seashell mobile dangling above it.

“Do you have any spare sheets?” Jake asked and turned to look back at Alex closing the window and hiding away his stash again. 

“Yeah, why?”

“I have an idea.”

Alex tiptoed to the hall closet and grabbed an old white sheet yellowed with age. Jacob took the sheet from him and let it unfurl. He tied a small knot in the center of one of the edge seams and fitted it onto the hook where the mobile hung from. Alex immediately understood and took a side of the sheet and draped it on the floor to fall behind and beside the bed of blankets while Jacob draped the other side so that it resembled a canopy or a very small triangular fort cascading around the floor nest. 

Jacob sat back into the blankets and pillows and grabbed Alex’s wrist to pull him down to admire their work too — to see the way the lights glowed through the sheet in blurs of color above them — but Alex’s eyes were on Jacob instead. 

So close, Alex was struck breathless by him, like he could be every time if he let his gaze linger too long or his mind get away from him. His eyes roamed over the unfair sharp features of his face, the angle of his cheekbones and the line of his jaw and the straight of his nose, and god he could fall into his dark eyes and float away forever. They seemed deeper than space and brighter than all the stars and galaxies combined. 

A long lock of black hair had found its way into Jacob’s face, as it always did, and Alex instinctively reached his hand up to brush the strand away from his cheek before he caught himself. He froze mid action, his hand hovering for a terrifying moment before he lowered it, thankful Jacob hadn’t noticed his movement. 

After a few seconds or a half an hour, neither boy could tell, Jake broke out of his reverie, and his eyes found Alex. He was lying slouched on his side, and Jacob wavered with the pull to be closer — he shifted to lay on his side as well, bringing the two of them face to face. They were close enough to feel the warmth radiating from one another, and those strange feelings Jake had been running from all night whispered their presence again. 

His eyes landed on Alex's hand resting between them. Jacob gently, tentatively placed his hand beside Alex's, moving until their palms and fingers touched with a ghost's lightness. He could bend the tips of his fingers over Alex's, and he tried to remember if that had ever been the other way around. 

Alex's heartbeat lept and all he could think was that Jacob Black was going to be the death of him — especially with the way Jacob's lips pulled into a tired smile as he looked at their hands together. He thought about how easy it would be to shift his hand the slightest bit and thread their fingers together, but he didn't. He didn’t want to push and risk breaking this.

So with their eyelids growing heavy their hands lowered, Jacob's hand resting atop Alex's, their fingers not quite laced together, but almost.

—

How long had he been walking through the woods? The green around Alex went on forever in every direction. 

He spied Bella stumbling ahead of him through the branches and leaves. He vaguely remembered there used to be something chasing them, they had been running away from something. Was it still following them? The dense forest was impenetrable, endless, of course it was still out there somewhere, and Alex felt a shiver of alarm trickle through him. 

He picked up his pace to reach Bella, but her stumbling quickened as she persistently trudged on. Alex's lungs squeezed as he tried to match her growing frantic pace, gasping for air until he thought he wouldn't be able to draw in his next breath yet he did every time. 

The forest swallowed up every sound. His panting breaths were silent, their foot falls felt but not heard. Branches that should rustle as they pushed them out of the way were deafeningly mute. His shout for Bella was muffled into nonexistence as she tripped. 

He watched her fall, arms out to brace herself, and as she hit the ground the woods shattered thunderously around them like glass and crystal. Mirror shards reflected the dark green as they fell down, down, down. The world spun and his stomach lept as gravity shifted. Bella's screams rose above the sharp crunch of glass. He couldn't see her anymore, everything was dark except for the crystal reflecting like diamonds flying around him. He braced his left hand out in front of him as he hurled toward the dark ground.

Alex opened his eyes. His arm ached with an echo of pain and his stomach flipped as the world hastily righted itself through the haze of the dream fading away, but he realized he could still hear Bella screaming.

Her real screams registered and he snapped wide awake and stumbled out of bed, nearly tripping himself in his haste with the blankets in the corner of his floor from the last time Jacob had stayed the night. That wouldn’t be happening again any time soon — Bella’s nightly terrors had grown too frequent. There had been a couple in September, maybe one or two a week in October. Now into November they had happened almost every night — waking both Alex and Charlie up with her screams, but in a cruel twist, rarely herself.

Alex stumbled out of his bedroom to wake her but ran into Charlie already at the top of the stairs.

“Go on back to bed, Alex, I got her,” he murmured. He must have been sleeping on the couch again to have been able to beat Alex to her room. Charlie had taken to sleeping there some nights when the nightmares were really bad and she would scream them awake multiple times in a single night.

Charlie shuffled into Bella’s room and caught her thrashing arms. Alex overheard his faint voice coaxing her awake, calming her down as she slipped out of her mystery nightmare and the panic of reality set in. Her screams turned into heaving breaths that nearly sounded like sobbing before she came back to herself.

Alex leaned against the hall wall as his lethargy crept back in. His eyes stung as he watched this strange, sad routine they’d fallen into. Charlie tucked Bella in as she laid back down, and he kissed her forehead. Alex retreated into his room before Charlie turned to leave and found him still standing there. He listened to Charlie’s footsteps descend the stairs, and then the house was quiet again, and it was almost like it had never happened. Almost.

Bella’s screams still rang in the stiflingly silent air, and Alex laid awake despite his body’s calls for sleep.

He rolled onto his stomach and looked up at his headboard, at the dreamcatcher hanging there peacefully. It had been working; he might still have nightmares, like tonight, but they were less frequent than they used to be, and usually less terrifying — only mild panic he could shake off compared to the nights he used to wake up in cold sweats too scared to move. He figured he had plenty of fuel for nasty dreams so it only seemed reasonable that some of the terrors would slip through and get to him anyway — his dreamcatcher could only catch so much, but it was working.

Alex brushed a gentle finger along the hoop and down a feather, and a calm kind of sadness settled into his chest. He carefully removed it from his headboard and tiptoed to his bedroom door, avoiding the boards in the floor he knew would creak, and he opened his door a sliver to hear only silence. He snuck down the hall on light feet, hand clenched around his dreamcatcher, and slipped into Bella's room. Her back was to him, and her breathing gave away she was already back asleep, or at least he hoped. He tiptoed to her bed and leaned over to hang the dreamcatcher from her headboard, right above her pillow, and he slipped back out.

When he laid in bed again the absence was palpable. It was only a small ornament above his head he couldn't even see if he wasn't looking up at it, but the emptiness loomed over him and his room suddenly seemed much too big and open and exposed.

Alex gathered his comforter around himself and slid off his bed to the pallet of blankets and pillows beneath the old threadbare sheet, and he curled up and fell asleep wondering if the blankets still smelled like Jacob, or if he just really wanted them to.

—

Like had become usual, Bella went straight to her room after school and Alex took his time to slip his shoes off at the door and hang his rain-slicked jacket up. He tossed the keys on the kitchen table and was about to head to his room as well when the phone rang. 

It was Charlie, calling to check in and let them know he had to stay late at the station today. Alex reassured him they’d be fine for the night, and after he hung up he headed back to his room. He was half way up the stairs when the phone rang again.

“What did you forget that’s so important,” Alex sighed. He shuffled back to the kitchen to answer the phone again. “Yes?” he asked expectantly.

“Hey,” Jacob answered curiously at Alex’s tone.

“Oh,” Alex deflated with relief at the familiar voice.

“Is that a good ‘oh’ or a bad ‘oh’?”

Alex laughed lightly. “Sorry, I didn’t think it would be you is all. I thought it might be Charlie again — he just called to let me know he was working late tonight.”

There was a long pause from Jacob. “How late?” His smirk could be heard through the phone, and Alex tried to not let it infect him.

“Probably not until around eight…” Alex said hesitantly.

“Perfect! I was calling to nag you about needing a new book, but this will be so much easier. I’ll come over to return Shutter Island and pick out a new one.”

“Jake,” Alex started. He hadn’t had Jacob over again since Halloween — Bella seemed to be getting worse, especially with the sleepless nights the whole house was suffering from, and he didn’t want to give Jake any reason to worry more than he already did. Alex sighed. “You can’t—”

“Well, I am,” Jacob said simply. “It’s getting hard to pick out a book without actually looking at what you have on your shelf for myself,” he told Alex. Jacob wasn’t about to let this chance slip by him. “And who knows when Charlie won’t be home again for me to be able to drive over because we both know you’re not going to willingly bring me to your house again any time soon.”

Alex scoffed at him. “If I didn't know any better I'd say you’d planned this.”

“If I had planned this I would've done it much sooner,” Jacob grinned. “I’ll see you soon,” he said and hung up.

When Jacob pulled into the Swan’s driveway and climbed out of the car Alex was at the front door waiting for him. His arms were crossed and he disdainfully shook his head. Jacob pressed his lips together to hide his satisfied smile as he walked up to the porch, and Alex’s face broke into a conflicted, timid smile, and he rolled his eyes at Jacob as he led them into the house.

The house felt empty, and Jacob almost forgot that Bella was home until they passed her closed bedroom door on the way to Alex’s bedroom. He reached to close Alex’s door as he followed him into the room, but Alex stopped him.

“Leave it open,” he said offhandedly and sat down in front of his bookshelf. It wasn’t something Alex had ever done before, at least not intentionally, but Jacob brushed away his momentary curiosity as he sat beside Alex on the floor and noticed his guilty smile.

“And to think you didn’t want me over here,” Jacob said haughtily. 

Alex looked away and shook his head at him but his smile grew minutely despite himself. Jacob pulled the book out of his inside jacket pocket, safe from the wet weather outside, and slid it back into the empty gap on the shelf from where he’d pulled it from weeks ago.

Jake took his time investigating for which book to take next, keeping up the pretense of his flimsy excuse, despite the feeling he didn’t really need to — Alex seemed in no rush to force him back out the door.

Alex leaned back on his hands and smirked at Jacob thumbing through one of the two books he had laid out. “You know, I think this is the most indecisive I’ve ever seen you,” he observed.

“Well I have to be sure, it might be another month before I’m allowed back over,” he said lightly.

Dread washed over Alex, but it was quickly banished by Jacob’s pointed, soft look. There were no hard feelings behind Jake’s words. “I like being at your house better when we hang out,” Alex defended evenly. “I have to have some kind of escape from here.”

“If we’re always at my house then when am I supposed to get a break?” Jacob smirked.

Alex grew still and cocked his head to one side, and his look pierced right through Jacob, who immediately regretted his question that was supposed to be entirely rhetorical and not nearly as serious as the look in Alex's eyes. “You feel like you need a break?” Alex asked carefully.

Jake’s lips parted but no words came as he raked his brain for a way to undo whatever was happening. 

“From what?” Alex continued, though his tone gave the impression he already had an answer, and Jacob resisted the urge to squirm under his gaze.

“N-no, nothing. I just meant… your house is like a second home to me. I miss it.”

“Sure, but why—” Alex stopped at the sound of Bella’s door opening. They listened as her light, slow footsteps grew closer, and they glimpsed her descending the stairs. Alex flickered a glance to Jacob and pressed his lips together. “I’ll be right back,” he said quietly and rose from the floor and walked out of the room.

Jake hesitated for a moment then followed to investigate as his curiosity got the better of him. He stopped at the top of the stairs and watched Alex at the bottom landing leaning to see into the kitchen where Bella was. Jake instinctively glanced over to Bella’s bedroom — the door had been left wide open — and his eyes narrowed with curiosity as he recognized the dreamcatcher on her headboard. 

Alex turned to go upstairs, the sight of Bella cooking having satisfied him and sent him back. Jacob regarded him more intently — he noticed the blue beneath Alex's eyes, and as they went back to his room he saw the lethargy in Alex’s walk and the weariness clinging to him in the way he dropped to sit back down on the floor. Jacob left the bedroom door open again, the sounds of Bella in the kitchen echoing up the stairs to them.

Alex caught the concerned look on Jacob’s face and sighed. “You don’t need to worry, Jake. It’s definitely not normal, but honestly when has life ever been normal. I wouldn’t choose this but things could be worse. Things have been worse.”

“I’m worried about you too, you know,” Jacob said. “Not just Bella.”

Alex laughed a little and shook his head. “You’re always so worried about everyone else, but never about yourself.”

Jacob’s heart skipped a beat. “What do you mean?”

Alex pressed his lips together and regarded Jacob for a long moment. “I’ve spent a life with Bella, I can tell when someone takes care of everyone else so much that they forget about themselves. It's almost, like, you hate having too much attention on yourself, like you think you’re not worth worrying about or you’re afraid you’ll be a burden or something. Don't think I haven’t noticed the ‘I’m okay, don’t worry about me, I can handle anything, I’m always fine’ thing you do. As soon as someone tries to show concern you push it away and act like you never need help.”

“I don’t… push away help… I just…”

“Think you don’t need it?”

Jacob snickered. “Fine, sure, if you want to see it that way.”

“Wow, that was almost progress.”

“There is no progress because there isn’t any progress to be had,” Jake said with conviction.

Alex smiled affectionately at him. “But if what I said wasn’t at least a little true then you wouldn’t feel like you need to escape from something.” His voice lowered and he stubbornly refused to drop his eyes. “Let me worry about you.”

Jacob swallowed before he spoke. “Obviously you're going to worry about me whether I think you need to or not, and I worry about you whether you think I need to or not, so how about I keep worrying about you and you keep worrying about me and we’ll call it even.”

Alex sighed and narrowed his eyes.

“Take it or leave it, Alessio.”

“Fine, I’ll take it… for now.” Alex leaned back onto his hands again in defeat. “This isn’t over.”

"Well it is ‘for now’,” Jacob smirked at him. Alex rolled his eyes and dropped his head back with another tired sigh, and Jacob remembered one of the reasons he had been worried in the first place. “...Did you put the dreamcatcher in Bella’s room?”

Alex raised his head and Jacob saw hesitance in his eyes. “Yeah… it seemed to work for me so I kind of hoped it would help her too... She needs it more than me right now. She screams in her sleep because of her nightmares. I don’t think Charlie or I have gotten a full night’s sleep since she has either if I’m honest.”

“Are you having nightmares again too, then?”

Alex considered the question, trying to remember what normal sleep had been like before he knew things like vampires existed. “Some nights,” he shrugged.

“How often is ‘some nights’?” Jacob snickered with amusement.

“How often is too often?” Alex grinned back. His smile waned slowly and he brought his hands to his lap, fingers playing with the edge of his sleeve. “I don’t really know anymore — how often do you have nightmares?"

Jake fidgeted. “Not as often as I used to, I guess,” he said timidly and leaned against the bookshelf.

“What are they about?” Alex asked quietly.

Jacob fixed his eyes on the book he’d picked out, and he ran a finger along the edges as he spoke. “I dream about my mom a lot,” he said and bit his lip as if that could take the confession back. He had never talked about this. Not with Embry or Quil or his sisters, and certainly not with his dad. 

“I don’t see her or hear her in my dreams, but,” Jacob swallowed thickly, the words felt stuck in his throat, “I run around looking for her because she's lost. I run through the house, the yard, the garage, but she isn't anywhere, and there’s no one else around either...” The images of the familiar dream rose to Jake’s mind, but recently there had been a development, a new addition to the dream that he thought better of than to share. 

When he’d run around looking for her he’d glimpse Alex, sometimes sitting on the stool in the garage or leaning on his bed or braced against the counter in the kitchen. It was the first person he’d ever seen in the dream — his dad and sisters nowhere to be found as he’d run around looking for help — but every time he got near Alex to finally ask for help, to figure out what was going on, where was everyone else, Alex would disappear before he could reach him.

Jacob broke out of his stare to look at the Alex next to him that wasn’t going to evaporate at a moment’s notice, though some days he feared he would. “What are yours about?”

“It’s not always the same… recently about Bella, I guess.” Alex dropped his eyes and his voice. “Sometimes about you.”

Jacob’s heart leapt into his throat and he met Alex’s eyes in surprise. “What about me?”

“I—” the phone downstairs rang, and Alex hopped up. “She won’t get it, I have to…” he gestured to the door and left the room with a guilty smile.

A few restless moments passed and Jake’s impatience and curiosity overtook him again. He crept downstairs, stopping at the bottom steps close enough to hear Alex on the phone in the kitchen but go unseen around the corner.

“Yeah, she’s eating now, Dad,” he said quietly. “Yeah… Yes… I always do… Okay, see you in a bit.” Alex hung up and startled when he turned the corner and ran into Jake on the stairs. 

Jacob blushed brightly and tried to distract from it. “Charlie on his way home?”

“Yeah, he’s leaving now he said.”

Jacob bit his lip, not wanting to leave but having no other choice. He grabbed The Secret History from upstairs and tucked the tattered paperback into his jacket before going to the door to put on his shoes. He hesitated by the front door. Jake grabbed Alex’s hand before he could think himself out of it and he squeezed gently. “See you this weekend still?”

Alex broke into a full smile and squeezed his hand back, and Jacob’s stomach flipped elatedly. “Yes, at your house.”

—

Snow soon reprieved the residents of Washington from rain, thickly blanketing the ground as it fell from the sky in large fluffy masses and sticking to everything. 

The four boys were at Jacob’s house when they noticed the snow had begun to fall. It quickly masked the pitiful dust of snow and frost that was already on the ground as it fell like sheets of cotton from the sky. It was the first real, heavy snowfall of the season, and they immediately ran out to enjoy it and savor the hopeful possibility of a snow day. It didn't take long before they were trailing trenches behind them as they danced around. Quil was the first to throw a snowball, and he aimed for Alex. 

“Hey, no fair! I don’t have practice at that!” Alex yelled over Quil’s laughter, brushing off the snow from his shoulder.

“Not my problem, Arizona!” Quil hollered.

Jacob watched with satisfaction as Alex vindictively made his first snowball and flung it back at Quil, who dove behind Embry and used him as a shield. Embry scoffed and promptly tried to shove a handful of snow down the back of Quil’s coat.

“How did you ever live in the desert?” Jacob smiled at Alex covered in snow from his hair to his coat to his boots.

“I can like more than one climate,” Alex countered. “As much as I love the snow and the rain here, there’s also nothing like the sunsets in the desert or the sky at night. It’s different, but that doesn’t mean I can’t like both.”

“Do you still miss it then?”

Alex looked at him for a moment and his eyes softened imperceptibly. “Not nearly as much as I expected to… But what about you? Do you think you would ever move somewhere totally different?”

“Maybe,” Jacob pondered aloud. “Depends on why, I guess. But I think it’d be nice to have a change of scenery every now and then, even if I don’t stay there permanently.”

“I should take you to see Arizona with me someday. Or Florida whenever I get a chance to visit Renee.”

“Don’t get my hopes up.” Jacob grinned and reached over to brush snow from Alex's wavy hair, something in his chest warming at the way Alex smiled at him when he did it.

“Ahem…” Quil cleared his throat loudly, and when they turned to face him they saw he held a ball of snow, and beside him Embry was smirking.

Jacob withdrew his hand as if burned and fought the heat rushing to his cheeks, and Alex pressed his lips together to hide his bashful smile.

Embry crossed his arms and raised a brow at the two of them. “Just kiss already.”

It was Alex’s turn to blush as heat flooded his face, and he was grateful it was so cold outside so that it might disguise the red in his cheeks.

Quil shrugged and turned to Jacob. “Okay,” he quipped and threw himself at Jake, tipping them both over. They stumbled into a mound of snow shouting and laughing as Alex took a few safe steps out of their warpath and watched.

Embry trudged over to his side with a guilty, pleased smile on his face.

“I hate you,” Alex murmured under his breath.

Embry smirked. “I bet you’d stop hating me a lot more if one of you did something about those feelings of yours already.”

“Christ, who are you — Leah? Want to be a little louder about it?” he said and immediately tried to suck his words back in, but it was too late.

Embry’s smirk turned into a wide grin and he took a deep breath like he was about to shout. Alex tackled him and threw a hand over his mouth — he could feel Embry laughing beneath his gloved hand and behind them Quil smiled knowingly. Jacob eyed Alex and Embry and turned to ask Quil what they’d missed, and Quil’s smile only widened.

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.”

—

The snow melted away by mid December, leaving the ground frozen and hard. In a way it was a relief to Jacob — every time he had spied the shimmering mounds of snow his mind conjured up Alex covered in it, eyes bright and nose red, and Jacob thought back to brushing his hand through Alex’s hair and his heart fluttered wildly. It was terribly distracting and a little more than nerve wrecking.

Jacob threw himself into building the Rabbit at every moment of free time, but the work quickly slowed to a halt as he struggled to make do with the resources he had, and without the distraction of the Rabbit his thoughts drifted back to Alex again, even without the snow to remind him. 

He took to fixing up other people’s cars with Embry. In the winter there were always people needing snow chains or a new battery because of the cold or simple fixes on simple problems out of fear of it getting worse with the harsher weather, and Jake and Embry charged less and did twice as good a job, not to mention they already had a budding reputation spread by neighbors they had helped over the years. They split the money between them — Jacob put half his cash toward his car and the other half saved for the approaching holidays — and the two of them worked in his garage, often with Alex and Quil on the sidelines.

Jake made a game of asking Alex for a certain part or tool, testing the knowledge he was gradually picking up. When Jacob turned back to his work, Quil would raise a suggestive brow or flash a knowing smirk at Alex when he got something right and would practically glow under Jacob’s smallest of praises. Alex would throw something at him in retaliation while Jake wasn’t paying attention, and he would glare as Quil laughed back annoyingly unphased. 

One particular day, when Embry and Jacob’s attention was a little too boringly focused for the other two boys, Alex and Quil grew restless, and their antagonistic exchanges escalated into roughhousing. 

Alex had been listening to Jake and Embry talk as they pinpointed a problem, and he had the right tool in his hand extended before Jacob could ask. Jake looked briefly surprised and took it from him with a small proud smirk, and Alex leaned against his stool as the two went back to work, feeling warmth spread through him as if he was laying in the sun — until he heard Quil snicker from his seat on the bench next to him. 

Quil puckered his lips mockingly and Alex narrowed his eyes. He grabbed a rag that sat on the table beside them and flung it at Quil’s face. Quil jumped and narrowly caught it as it hit his neck and chin. “Uck! This is covered in grease,” he grimaced. 

Alex laughed under his breath and Quil reached toward him with the rag in hand, attempting to smear it on him in revenge. Alex dodged out of the way and his laugh turned into a yelp as Quil managed to grab his arm and shove the rag into his face. Alex stumbled back and rubbed at the grease and oil smeared on his forehead, looking at it smear more onto his hand in his vain attempt to wipe it off. 

“Oh, that’s it,” he breathed and he lunged at Quil with his oil stained hand held out. He managed a swipe down Quil’s cheek as they tumbled around and knocked over the stool before Jacob and Embry simultaneously turned to them. 

“Hey, hey — woah!” Embry snapped. “You’re endangering the project here!” 

“You two are going to break something!” 

Alex and Quil stood frozen like kids caught misbehaving.

“Sorry,” Alex mumbled as Jake and Embry returned to their work. He was about to lean down to pick up the stool and be done fighting when Quil lurched suddenly and wiped the rag wherever he could reach, smearing black across Alex’s jaw and neck as he flinched away. 

Before Alex could properly shove back, Embry snapped again. “Take it outside! Now!”

“You can’t tell us what to do, it’s Jake’s garage!” Quil protested.

“Outside, both of you,” Jacob said loftily and raised a brow at Quil.

“What?” Alex scoffed.

“You heard me.” Jacob turned his smirk on to Alex who gaped at him in betrayal.

Quil threw an arm around Alex's shoulders and turned them to walk out into the cold. “Come on, Alex, we don’t need them,” he huffed.

Alex shook his head at Quil’s proud tone, and he glanced back as they walked out of the garage. He quickly looked away when he met Jake’s careful, unreadable eyes watching them walk together into the frosty air. 

“What do you think we’d have to do to make Jake jealous?” Quil whispered with a splitting grin.

“Don’t you dare.” 

“You’re no fun,” Quil sighed and a slow mischievous smirk slid onto his face. Alex was barely fast enough to duck out from under Quil’s arm and away from his black smudged hands to avoid getting more oil smeared on himself. 

Between their running around and the weak sunlight escaping the clouds, the boys weren’t bothered by the cold at first. It wasn’t until they ran out of steam and officially called a truce that the chill began to creep into them, aided by the fading light in the sky as dusk approached.

Alex was the first to cave and stand just outside of the garage.

“Can we come back in?” he pleaded, arms crossed over his chest.

“Can you two behave yourselves?” Embry said, eyeing Alex's shivering with pity.

“What if we can’t?" Quil asked confidently despite his chattering teeth. Alex elbowed him in the side as an icy breeze blew past. 

Jacob watched Alex with his reddened cheeks and nose, face smudged with black, and his hair blown into tangles with the wind, and he couldn’t help but smile at him. His chest tightened with something warm as Alex turned to him with pleading, repentant eyes.

“You can come in,” Jacob said slowly and moved his eyes over to Quil to address him too. “But don’t move from your seats.”

“Consider it time out,” Embry added.

After dark had fallen Jacob walked Alex back to the truck as always, the sounds of Embry and Quil bantering about something reached them from the garage in the otherwise calm, cold night.

“Does my punishment extend until tomorrow? I had been planning on coming over still,” Alex asked coyly.

Jacob smiled. “You can still study with me in my room, but I make no promises on the garage yet.” Alex’s smile and affectionately rolled eyes made his insides feel like they were melting.

For a split moment time seemed suspended as Alex paused with one foot in the truck and they looked at each other. Jacob froze with the feeling of slipping into foreign territory.

Then he remembered how to breathe, and he took a retreating step back. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Alessio,” he said quietly. His face felt too warm.

“Goodnight, Jake,” Alex said back softly and stepped into the truck. 

Jacob returned to the garage with a whirlwind inside of him. Both Quil and Embry grew suspiciously quiet as soon as Jacob appeared in the doorway, and they turned to look at him. Jacob stilled. “What?” he questioned.

“Everything good?” Quil asked lightly. He and Embry shared a side eyed look, some wordless conversation passing between them.

“Yeah,” Jacob huffed. “Everything ‘good’ with you?” he countered edgily.

Embry regarded Jacob with that glint in his eyes like he was dissecting him. “Yep,” Embry said at length.

The restlessness in Jacob's chest calmed by the time he woke up the next morning. Whatever awkwardness that had crept over him last night evaporated like it always eventually did, and he wasn’t worried when Alex pulled into the driveway that afternoon. He knew where he and Alex stood and what to expect as they sank into the familiarity of their Sunday routine. 

On the bed papers and notes and textbooks were splayed around them as they studied for the semester finals just around the corner. Alex let his mind wander to last night, to another one of those moments between them where he wondered if he should have done something — wondered if Jake had wanted him to do something. 

Alex's bored gaze traveled over Jake’s papers next him, the margins filled with drawings and doodles that were too good to be considered such.

He never brought attention to the sketches when he caught glimpses of them — Jake always seemed shy about it, trying to tuck the edge of a paper beneath another so as to cover up the drawings, or angling his paper away from Alex’s line of sight, but he hadn’t done either yet. Alex looked over to Jacob curiously to find him lost in thought too, mindlessly scribbling in the corner of a page in the notebook in his lap. A smile grew on Alex's face as he watched, and he decided to do something, just to see what might happen.

“You’re really good, you know that?” he mused.

Jacob looked up stunned and immediately closed his notebook, sputtering for words.

“Sorry,” Alex said quickly. He’d found the boundary he’d been wondering about. “I wasn’t trying to pry, I just never see you draw, and you're kind of amazing at it.”

Jacob huffed and shook his head, a flush rising to his cheeks. “I’m not that good… not as good as you or my sister.”

“You could be, easily,” Alex said slowly, eyes roaming over the drawings on the papers on the bed. “Why do you hide it so much?”

“It’s…” Jacob chewed his lip in contemplation, “bittersweet. Drawing reminds me of my mom.”

“Oh,” Alex felt the air leave his lungs, “I’m sorry.”

Jake smiled a little and met his eyes. “Don’t be, it makes me think of her, and it’s all good memories.” He paused, wondering if he should go on. He wasn’t used to talking about these things — but Alex regarded him attentively, waiting but not impatient or pushing. Jacob found himself wanting to tell him more. “It makes me miss her too though. I mean I always miss her but... I’ve gotten to the point where I can live life without her absence constantly hanging over me. But when I draw it makes me so much more aware that she’s gone, that she isn’t here to see it or teach me anymore, and then I dwell on it. And I feel like I could cry forever all over again.”

“She’s your mom, Jake,” Alex said softly. “You’re not expected to be okay with her being gone, no matter how long it’s been.”

“I know, but,” Jacob’s throat tightened, “I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish I was able to draw or paint like Rebecca and feel closer to her instead.”

“Maybe you just haven’t figured out how to do it yet,” Alex proposed. “And for rarely being able to draw you seem to be able to handle it a little better than you give yourself credit for.” Alex's reassuring smile turned a little impish and Jacob smiled back despite himself. When he opened up his notebook again he fought the urge to cover his sketches.

—

The mason jar on Alex’s desk that had been stuffed full of bills and change was easily half emptied as he took out wads of cash before his trip to Port Angeles with Leah. Christmas was a week away, and the two decided to shop for a joint present for Charlie and Harry, recalling what their dads had mentioned wanting or needing for their fishing trips. They walked along the salt dusted pavement outside of shops, plotting ideas and stopping in stores when they’d spy a potential present for another family member or friend. Alex had a firm, hopeful idea for what he wanted to get Jacob, and he made sure to hunt it down before the evening ended.

Lights were strung along street lamps and store fronts, doors and posts decorated with wreaths and garland. Port Angeles sparkled to life against the deepening sky, and for the first time that month, Alex finally felt like it was Christmas.

“Are you getting Bella anything?” Leah asked as they left the store Alex had bought Jacob’s gift in. She knew the nuances of Bella’s state more than anyone else, other than Alex and Charlie. Alex had talked to her repeatedly about it — if anyone knew how to maybe help his sister it might be someone who at least had an idea of what she was going through, even if Leah’s breakup wasn’t with a vampire and his entire family.

“I don’t know,” Alex answered. “I want to do something for her but there’s nothing she wants, nothing I can give her…”

“Time,” Leah said simply. “It’s cliche, but what she needs is time. I felt like what she's feeling right now for a while — not for as long of course — but this state of, like, nothing? She’s putting off grieving, and no one can really make her do that until she’s ready, so… give her time.” 

Alex sighed. “Isn’t there anything you think would help her get to that point, though? I feel so useless.”

“You do more than you think you're doing,” Leah stated. “Simply existing and being there with her does more than you think. I regret that I didn’t let Seth help me like he wanted to sooner — having just one person on your side is better than nothing. It makes a world of difference, and she’s not pushing you away like I did to him, so… Look, she wouldn’t let herself be worse around you if she didn’t feel like you helped in some way, so just… keep being her brother.”

“I still think you should talk to her—”

“Alex, if she’s not even talking to you she's definitely not going to talk to me,” Leah groaned. “Yes, I get what she’s going through but we weren’t close before. You two were. If Bella’s going to decide to confide in anyone it’s going to be you.”

“I guess—”

“Alex!”

Alex and Leah perked up and looked around for the source of the shout. Across the street Alex spied Angela and Jessica waving, Jessica’s arms bogged down by bags upon bags. Alex waved back and Angela hurried across the street to him.

Angela excitedly hugged Alex and turned to Leah when they pulled apart, her usual kindness and quiet charm exuding from her. “I’m Angela,” she smiled and extended a gloved hand, “I go to school with Alex.”

“Leah.” The two girls shook hands and Alex side eyed Leah’s sudden reserved demeanor.

“Oh, you’re Leah?” Angela’s smile brightened. “It’s so good to officially meet you, Alex has talked about you before. It’s nice to finally have a face to the name.” Her light laugh was a pleasant one and Leah let their handshake linger. 

“Likewise,” Leah smiled back. “I don’t think what Alex has told me about you has done you justice.”

Alex had to turn away and forcibly keep down a cry of disbelief. 

From across the street Jess called out to Angela.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I have to go help Jess with the bags,” Angela explained. “I’ll see you when we’re back in school, Alex, and I hope we get to meet again, Leah,” she said and punctuated her sentence with another hug, and after a brief moment of consideration, hugged Leah quickly as well. She ran across the street to Jessica and grabbed bags from her arms, and Leah watched her go back the whole way, her eyes glued to the girl almost as tall as herself, and her cheeks pinker than usual.

“I cannot believe you’re crushing on my friend right now,” Alex laughed incredulously. 

“I am not,” Leah scoffed. “But, back onto the topic of relationships… is your friend in one?” 

Alex rolled his eyes so hard it made his head begin to ache. “She broke up with her boyfriend a couple weeks ago,” he told her.

“What a shame,” Leah sighed. Alex started walking again despite Leah still lost in thought staring across the street where Angela had been.

—

Three days before Christmas Alex sat in a kitchen chair pulled against the wall as he talked on the phone with Jacob.

The sports game carried through from the living room softly; the glow of the TV and the colorful string lights on their tree were the only lights shining in the house besides the yellow kitchen overhead left on. Bella had gone to her room after dinner hours ago like usual, and Charlie snored quietly from his recliner. The sleet falling outside glinted with porch lights and glowing Christmas decor from houses on the street. The Swan house felt peaceful. Alex wasn't sure if he was slowly adjusting to the way home felt now or if it was Jacob's easy presence warming him through the phone while the house slept, but he didn’t question it.

They’d been talking for over an hour, but it hadn’t felt like it — there was so much time to make up for. Alex had been working more without school to take up his time, and near the holidays tip money was always more generous and he took advantage of that, raking in as many hours as the diner would let him, but it came with the cost of seeing Jacob less often. Jake had reassured him it was alright — he was kept busy with talking with his sisters as they always reached out more during holidays, and he was still fixing cars for people, and of course hunting for presents.

What Jacob caught him up on was all true, but he left out that between all of it he still had room to miss Alex and to think about him more than was comfortable to admit. So far since holiday break began, they’d only seen each other in person once, and despite making up for it talking on the phone almost every night, both boys were restless to see the other again.

“Are you doing anything on Christmas Eve?” A shy, giddy feeling made Jake's stomach flutter as he asked.

“I might work, I'll have to check,” Alex said and squinted at the calendar on the wall, trying to read his own scrawled handwriting from across the room. “How come?” 

Jacob traced a tear at the knee in his jeans from his seat on his kitchen counter. “Christmas Eve day Embry and Quil and me usually get together and hang out and swap presents if we have them and you're invited is all, if you don't have any other plans,” he said more quickly than he’d meant to. Jacob bit his lip painfully hard as he tried to reel in his hope and impending disappointment.

He heard Alex take a deep breath, and despite the giddiness fading from him, Jacob smiled softly, knowing the exact look that was likely on Alex’s face.

“You work, don’t you?” he asked knowingly.

“Yeah,” Alex grumbled. “Only during the day, though, and I doubt anything else will come up that evening — the only other people I really talk to are in an awkward spot at the moment.” 

A sliver of anxiety rose in Jacob, and he didn’t understand it. “What do you mean?” he asked, more for his own sake, though he’d never admit it.

“I mean… Bella puts an uncomfortable spin on things because our friends at school don’t really know how to act around her, which is understandable. And Jessica and Mike are on one of their off’s and probably won’t be back together before Christmas knowing them, not to mention Angela and Ben broke up earlier this month and they haven’t exactly figured out how to be around each other again yet, even though they said they were still going to try to be friends. Things are just all around awkward right now with that group,” Alex laughed coolly, but something flickered to life in Jacob as he listened.

He knew Alex had other friends from Forks, but he rarely talked about the specifics very often, and Jacob wondered suddenly if Alex talked about him to those friends, if they even knew he existed in Alex’s life. He wanted to ask, to know more, but he feared the flicker of jealousy would catch into a full flame if he acknowledged it.

Jacob swallowed thickly and willed away the pessimistic shroud trying to fall over him. “Well, you can always hang out with us instead — we have much less drama,” he tried to tease.

“Less drama maybe, but you three are definitely more dramatic.” Alex’s smile was audible even through the staticky phone and Jacob felt the corner of his lips pull too.

“See? You fit right in.” Jake’s hesitant smile brightened at the sound of Alex’s laugh and he felt the flicker of anxiety being smothered out.

“I’ll come over Christmas Eve after work,” Alex told him. “I have to bring you your present sooner or later anyways.”

“You have a present for me?” Jacob paled. He had been hoping for the opposite solely because he had yet to find a good enough present he wanted to give Alex and was running out of time to figure one out.

Alex scoffed at him. “Yes, I have a present for you, and there’s nothing you can do to make me think I shouldn’t have.”

“Sure, sure,” Jacob smirked.

“Jake—”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“You were thinking it.”

“Maybe,” Jake grinned. “But I won’t say anything if you accept my present for you in return,” he challenged, a new determination taking over him.

“Alright, deal,” Alex agreed.

Charlie stirred in the living room and drowsily sat up. He turned off the television and glanced at Alex in the kitchen with surprise when he realized the light was still on. 

Alex cursed under his breath as he realized it was nearly midnight. “Uh, I have to go,” he blushed. “But I’ll see you on Christmas Eve, I promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Jake said.

“Please do,” Alex smiled, and he hung up the phone.

Jacob dropped his hands to his lap, still holding onto the phone, and leaned his head back against the cabinets. With Alex no longer on the line, the easy contentedness slowly left him, and as he placed the phone back into its cradle and retired to his bedroom he began ruminating on the flash of jealousy that had hit him. 

He didn’t know when it happened exactly, but Jacob thought of himself as Alex’s best friend, his closest friend even. It was natural to feel insecure about it every once in a while, right? Jacob settled on the simple conclusion but the uneasy feeling in his gut lingered, demanding to be felt. The should-be meaningless comments played on loop in his head, and his mind wandered to Alex's friends Angela and Ben. He’d seen Angela before when he’d stolen Alex from the prom, and he assumed the boy she’d been next to on the dance floor must have been Ben. They’d seemed happy together. They had been happy together, otherwise Angela wouldn’t have given Alex permission to leave her that night. 

And now the two were broken up — barely even friends despite their efforts to remain so. 

A sharp twist of anxiety hit Jacob when he thought about it too long. 

Growing more uneasy and confused by the minute, Jacob sought out his favorite distraction, the only thing that could make him feel better some days other than Alex himself. He played his mixtapes and laid in bed listening, his spiraling mind slowing down. But then one awful thought hit him:

Did Alex make his other friends mixtapes?

Why was that such a horrible idea that it made him sick to his stomach? Jacob swallowed thickly as too many emotions threatened to overwhelm him. Was it just a them thing, or had he set himself up for hurt by thinking it was? God, he wished he could erase the thought completely from his brain — he hated the very consideration of it. 

Jacob rolled onto his side simply for a change of scenery; staring at his blank ceiling was only inviting horrible pictures to start painting themselves right in front of his eyes. As he turned on his side he was met with two cassettes stacked next to his stereo, the third one, the latest one Alex had given him at the beginning of the month, was playing softly. Why did he have to go and ruin this one great thing for himself? 

But was it really ruined, he thought as the songs changed. Each one still felt picked out just for him, no ‘filler songs’ as Alex called them — every one had been specially picked and placed in order, by Alex, and for him. And because of that, the music was still working. Buried beneath all his turmoil was the stirring of something light and wired like there was a spark, a good kind, waiting to catch in his chest. That earlier sense of determination was trickling back to him again, and Jacob was struck with an idea.

—

Alex’s leg bounced impatiently the whole time he counted his tips and checked over his receipts. The diner had been closed less than ten minutes, though they’d closed nearly twenty minutes late as the three remaining staff waited on a single slow couple to finally finish their meal and leave. All his tables were cleaned, and instead of lagging behind for polite conversation as his other two coworkers finished up for the evening, Alex was throwing on his coat and ready to run out the back door and speed all the way to La Push.

“You late for a date or something?” Cora ribbed while she organized her receipts at the counter. She was one waitress Alex could always count on to gossip with or complain to during shifts.

“No, uh, I promised a friend I’d see them tonight. To swap presents and stuff,” he explained simply though his cheeks felt a little warm from her comment.

Cora laughed and shook her head at him. “You don’t go racing off like this for just some ‘friend’.”

Alex’s blush deepened and he knew she saw it clear as day. “Goodnight, Cora,” he said pointedly, failing to hide his smile.

“Have fun, Alex,” she smiled back. “Tell Charlie and Bella I said Merry Christmas!” she called after him.

The sky was inky black with stars twinkling between smoky, thin clouds that resembled his breath hitting the cold air. Everything was quiet and still but the night felt alive. He was pulling up to the Black’s home before he knew it.

Alex had only just shut the truck door when Jacob came racing out and scooped him up into a hug that lifted him off his feet and spun them around. Alex’s arms tightened instinctively around Jacob’s neck and the laugh that left him was entirely involuntary. When Jacob begrudgingly placed Alex back on his feet both boys were grinning brightly.

“You’re late,” Jacob said but his tone was far too cheerful to be scolding.

“I’ll make it up to you,” Alex promised and backed away to open the truck’s passenger door. He grabbed the thin rectangular shaped present from the seat, nervous hands holding it gently so as to not tear the wrapping paper. His heart gave a singular heavy thump against his ribs as he pressed his lips together and extended the gift to Jacob. 

Jake’s lips curled into a smile as he took it from him with one hand and with the other pulled a small wrapped box out of his pocket that Alex hadn’t noticed before. Alex took the small box from him and they looked from their presents to one another, a shyness taking over them both. 

“Open it tomorrow morning,” Alex said, “with your other presents.” It was cowardly of him, the request out of sheer bashfulness, but he felt no shame.

“You too, then,” Jacob conceded.

Alex nodded in agreement.

Neither waited very long to open their presents. Once Alex drove off toward home, Jacob returned to his bedroom and set his present on his nightstand and sat at the edge of his bed contemplating how he could possibly sleep with the temptation staring back at him. He hardly lasted ten minutes before he reached for his present and carefully unwrapped it, anticipation thrumming in his veins.

Jacob bit down on his lip as he realized he was holding a brand new sketchbook and set of graphite drawing pencils, and he held it to his chest as a wide smile threatened to overtake him and the corner of his eyes pricked with tears.

Had it not been for the drive, Alex would have opened his gift immediately. As soon as he made it to his room he tore the wrapping paper away to reveal a very used box for bolt caps, but whatever slid around inside certainly didn’t sound like car parts. Alex held his breath and opened one end of the worn box and let the contents empty into his hand. He didn’t have to look at it to know what it was — the hard plastic and thin rectangular shape of a cassette tape was more familiar to him than the back of his own hand.

Alex felt like his whole body was full of sunlight. He put the tape into his cassette player and listened to it for hours in bed before falling asleep, starting it over and savoring every minute of it again and again.

Late into the tame Christmas afternoon, after opening presents and talking to Renee and Phil on the phone, Alex called Jacob. Charlie was busy tinkering and investigating his new fishing equipment, and Bella sat in the living room with him in her usual lifeless state nodding along to his excited ramblings and stories she’d already heard a hundred times. Alex took the chance to slip into the kitchen and dial the phone, his fingers shaking and his heart skipping beats.

Jacob answered on the third ring. “Hey,” he breathed, holding back a grin. “I was just thinking about y—” he stuttered to a stop and his throat tightened with panic, “c-calling you,” he fumbled out. 

“So you’ve opened your present then right?”

“Yeah, I—it’s—I’m kind of speechless.”

“Is that… a good thing?” Alex laughed nervously.

“Yes! Oh my god, yes,” Jacob rushed out. “I love it, thank you. I haven’t used it yet, I’m kind of scared to if I’m honest.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Intimidated I guess is a better way to say it,” Jake explained. “I don’t want to mess anything up and I don’t know where to start. It's a big moment sort of — it feels too underwhelming to just open it up and begin.”

“Well,” Alex twisted the phone cord around his index finger to distract himself from the butterflies in his chest, “what if we made a day of it then? We haven’t been to the beach in months…”

“That sounds… perfect.” Jacob felt a blush rising to his cheeks. “Just you and me?”

“If you want it to be,” Alex answered too calmly. He continued to loop his finger through the coils, the cord growing tighter each time.

“I, yeah, if you want it to be too…”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Alex bit his lip and dropped his eyes to the end of his finger turning a little purple. He let the phone cord unfurl and his finger returned to normal color as blood flow returned. “When do you want to…?”

“Um, my dad has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow but maybe the day after?”

“Works for me. I’ll pick you up at the normal time I’m over?”

“Perfect… I’ll see you then.”

They parked the truck in the lot overlooking the beach, and Jacob was caught up in watching Alex gawk at the ocean like he was seeing it for the first time. His smile was giddy and dazzling and the breeze off the waves blew his dark hair across his face and when he turned to face him, Jake froze with the fear that Alex had seen him staring, but Alex noticed nothing.

“Where to?” he asked.

Jacob took the opportunity to collect himself, and he threw his gaze around, searching for a place that felt right. The beach was empty and serene, but not still or dead. There was a constant light breeze and the susurrant waves crashed into white foam on the shore and birds squawked far above them off near the trees. To their right before the woods were rocky cliffs and hillsides overlooking all of it, removed from the scene but not beyond it. 

“Think we could reach up there somewhere?” Jake nodded toward the higher land.

“Definitely.” Alex smiled with him.

They took off toward the hillside, having to help balance one another in some places where the incline was steep and the loose sand slid and the dead yellow grass was slick. They eventually reached the top of the incline after nearly breaking a sweat despite the chilly air, and the sound of the ocean grew louder once again. “This way,” Jacob breathed and grabbed Alex’s hand as he led onward. Past a grove of half dead evergreens and fallen nettles, the flattened dead brush raised and grew with pockets of beach grass and shrubs and spindly bushes, and they reached a clearing that overlooked the ocean, the beach below them to the right and the forest far off to their left.

Jacob realized he was still holding Alex’s hand, and he let his hand slip away as he moved to sit down, suppressing a blush. Alex mentioned nothing of it as he shrugged off his book bag and sat with his back against Jacob’s. He unpacked Jake’s sketchbook and pencils and decided to forgo his own sketchbook, and instead pulled out a novel to content himself with for now.

“I won’t even peek or ask to see until you want to show me,” Alex quipped and handed Jake his things. He made himself comfortable leaning against Jacob, and Jacob against him, and he wasn’t even conscious of the scratch of Jake’s pencil until chapter three when he paused to reposition his book in his lap. He smiled to himself and tried to fix his attention on the words in front of him again.

The sky was bright and silvery and overcast, and the grass was pale from winter and the waves a steel blue against the dark sand. The shore was dotted with bleached white logs and trunks, and for a while Jacob traced the shape of a particularly large, pale driftwood tree — something about the twisted roots seemed familiar in a way that removed all eeriness from the spidery branches. 

Jacob soaked in all the calm, and he felt like he could breath deep and full again, and he hadn't even realized that he was in need of it — so used to stifled breaths that it had become normal. 

This feeling was his escape, he had come to realize, but it wasn't the place that was his escape at all. It was the person he rested against and rested against him in return. Somehow, a wall that Jacob hadn’t even known he was holding up had let someone through, and now that he knew what that feeling was like he yearned for that freeness, that ability to stop holding up the wall; he could let the weight of it slip off of his shoulders when Alex was around. He felt like there was nothing to worry about, nothing he could possibly do to disrupt this peace he found when he was with him.

Now seemed as good a time as any he supposed.

“Alex?”

“Hm?”

Jacob bit the inside of his cheek and forced himself to gush out the words before he could reason himself out of it. “How did you know you were gay?”

Alex snapped out of his concentration on his book, his lips parted in surprise. “How did you know you were straight?” he asked, more to buy himself time to come out of his shock than anything else. 

Jacob’s stomach flipped. “I d-don’t.”

“...you don’t?”

“I don’t know, how I know,” Jake stammered. He felt heat rush to his face — his answer wasn’t a complete lie at least.

Silence stretched between them long enough that the tension in Jacob’s body melted out of him, and Alex had figured out how to use words again. 

“It sounds pretty cliche, but if I’m honest? I’ve always kind of known,” he explained shyly. “Girls were just never an option — it was unfathomable to me growing up. I think I knew I liked boys before I really even knew what being gay was… You know how adults would tease you as a kid about a girl friend being your girlfriend or a crush or stuff like that?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Jacob nodded. He could recall dozens of times their parents teased them during their summers when they were little about Alex and Rachel playing tag together or Bella and himself making a mess in the mud outside with one another. He remembered how flustered and blushy he’d become from their comments, and he also vaguely remembered how much it would upset Alex, to the point he’d run out of the room to go sulk until Bella inevitably went to go find him. “Our dads used to be the worst about it.”

“They were,” Alex laughed lightly. “It never made sense to me then, like, it was unthinkable until somebody else brought it up.” A small smile grew as he continued. “Renee figured it out pretty early on, though, I think. She never said anything explicit to me, but she made lots of little comments here and there about her accepting us ‘no matter what’ and all that stuff, and looking back it’s obvious it was her way of trying to assure me it was okay even before I knew what she was talking about.”

“So when did you actually come out?” Jacob asked carefully, casually.

“I was fourteen when I came out to Renee. I dropped it in a conversation and she played along with it well like it was any other passing comment I could have made, which I’m grateful for, but she looked like she was about to cry the whole time — in a good way I mean. Bella knew before that, but I don’t think I ever actually said anything to her. She just kind of knew — a twin thing I guess. She would get very defensive of me when people tried to make insinuations or be rude or whatever, and she still does but she’s learned to be less aggressive about it—” Alex stopped cold as he caught himself talking about Bella, remembering she wasn’t really herself these days, and he had no idea if she ever would be again. He started to correct himself. “Well, she…”

“I know what you mean,” Jacob said softly.

“Thanks,” Alex sighed.

“Don’t mention it.” The corner of Jake’s lips turned up as he felt Alex drop his head back to rest against his shoulder, but the smile faded quickly as the threat of silence settling over them loomed. He was used to Alex growing quiet when they would accidentally stumble onto the topic of Bella, but his thirst to hear more was far from quenched still and he didn’t want to let the moment slip away. Jacob swallowed dryly and clung to his courage. “What was it like, after you came out?” he asked.

Alex was silent for a moment and Jacob felt him shrug. “Not much changed,” he explained. “That summer the three of us went to Pride and Renee bought me a flag that’s still hanging in my room in Phoenix. And at school there everyone just kind of knew and for the most part accepted it. The high school is huge so it’s not like I was the only gay kid after all, closeted or not.”

“So, what,” Jake asked, “you just walked around school with a boyfriend and let the announcement make itself?”

Alex snickered. “Hardly. I let myself be myself and people figured it out on their own eventually. I stopped hiding it or shying away from it if it came up or I wanted to make some joke at my own expense. And for the record, I’ve never actually had a boyfriend.”

“Hey, me neither.”

Alex rolled his eyes but smiled despite himself. “Ha ha. Very funny.”

“Alessio,” Jacob maundered, “I can think of at least two boys that you’ve mentioned before that could have been considered your boyfriend.” The words came out a little more annoyed than he’d meant to sound.

"No, I’ve mentioned crushes I had,” Alex corrected. “Because there’s been plenty of those, and there’s been boys I flirted back and forth with but nothing ever came of it. I didn’t even have my first kiss until I was sixteen.”

Feeling guilty at the embarrassed edge creeping into Alex’s voice, Jacob sighed. “If it makes you feel any better I was going on fifteen before I had my first kiss,” he admitted.

“Oh really?” Alex piqued. Jacob hated his tone. “And was she your girlfriend?”

Jacob snorted. “As if she would have ever. It was freshman year, and it wasn’t necessarily a dare, but I don’t think she had any feelings for me — she certainly wasn’t my girlfriend by any means… I’ve, um, never had a girlfriend either, so. We’ll call it even.”

“Even?” Alex laughed. “I’ve told you way more about my romantic life, or sad lack thereof, than you have ever shared.”

“Ever thought I don't have a lot to share about?”

“Is that why you’re curious about all this?” There was something carefully light and teasing about the way Alex asked him, and Jacob wasn’t sure if Alex saw straight through him or if he was merely trying to, and he didn’t know which one was worse.

Jacob shrugged as if he weren’t fighting away a blush. “We haven’t talked much about this stuff. That’s all.” His justification was technically true — they had only ever grazed over these topics in passing before — but he couldn’t figure out why it mattered to him. Jacob picked his pencil back up to distract himself from his latent bashfulness and watched where the deep green tree tops met the sky.

It was dangerously easy for hope to begin to grow within Alex. It was tempting to give in and believe what he had been longing for, but Alex scolded himself for reading into Jake's questions. He wanted to press for more of an explanation from his friend, however the last thing he wanted to do was make Jacob feel uncomfortable, so he kept quiet. The only sound between the two of them was the scratch of Jacob's pencil once again.

Occupied by the tug of war in his head, Alex didn't notice the deep grey clouds slowly rolling in until they were nearly on top of them. The first fat drop of rain landed on the corner of his abandoned book and he broke from his thoughts. Alex immediately tucked his book under his arm and turned to snap Jacob's sketchbook shut.

"Hey—!" Jacob startled, but before he could get a question out the rain began to pick up speed rapidly and he understood. The drops landed audibly on the ground around them as they shoved their belongings into Alex's bag and took off toward the truck. Cold rain pelted them as they ran and stumbled and slipped down the hill, and they had to hold out hands and arms to help brace each other or else trip. 

By the time they reached the truck they were both soaked. 

“I swear I’m going to be so mad if we get sick from this,” Alex laughed as he settled into the driver’s seat.

Jacob finished wringing out his hair and grinned. “Speak for yourself.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex scoffed.

“I don’t get sick,” Jake said loftily. “Haven’t gotten a cold in years.”

“Then you’re probably due for one, you idiot,” Alex laughed.

Jacob leaned back in his seat and watched Alex while he drove. “I’ll be fine, you’ll see.”

Alex rolled his eyes but couldn’t conceal his smirk. “Whatever.”

“I just hope you don’t catch a cold,” Jacob drawled. “That’d be a horrible way to start the New Year.”

“As long as you still come over, I wouldn’t care.”

“Are you kidding me, there’s nothing that could stop my dad from drinking with Charlie on New Year’s Eve. It’s like their tradition — I’d have no choice but to come over.”

Alex winced and sucked in his breath. “Ouch,” he said pointedly.

Jacob’s grin grew a little wider. “And I guess I’d come see you or whatever,” he said and shrugged like he wasn’t thoroughly enjoying riling Alex up. 

The drive back to his house was far too short in Jake’s opinion, and he hesitated with his hand on the door once they were in his driveway and he had his things tucked under his arm. They were both dripping wet still, and Alex’s hair was curling at the nape of his neck and around his ears with rainwater, and he looked at Jacob in that way that made it hard to breath, and Jake thought quite clearly that he could kiss him right now. He could lean in and pull Alex closer and… 

Alex’s broken up friends flared to the front of Jacob’s mind. 

“I’ll see you in a couple days, Alessio,” he said softly, and he finally broke their gaze when he stepped out of the truck and ran inside quickly to avoid getting his things wet.

The moment in the truck played on loop in Jacob’s head, and he wondered himself into early morning thinking about what would have happened if he’d kissed him, what it would have felt like. His mind made up scenarios for hours with restless curiosity; he thought himself out of the idea out of fear of messing things up, and he thought himself into it again with the deep ache to simply know. 

—

The sun took it’s painstakingly slow time to move across the sky on New Year’s Eve. Alex had spent the last two days rationalizing away their day at the beach, reminding himself that Jacob’s curiosity was only natural considering how close they were regarding everything else, and that their conversation didn’t have to mean anything more than it was. The seed of hope that had swelled in him a few days ago had deflated back down to its normal size, but Alex still felt his heart flutter when he thought about Jacob too long — and it definitely wasn’t because of some foolish hopefulness clinging to him, or at least that’s he told himself.

When Charlie answered the front door and Billy and Jacob's voices floated through the walls, Alex was half way down the stairs before either could get their coats off. He met Jacob’s eyes with a smile already pulling on his lips, and after polite exchanges with each other’s parent the two boys slipped away to Alex’s room. They left the door wide open so they could hear the countdown on the television that was turned up loudly in the living room, spliced with some rerun of a sports game Charlie and Billy switched to every few minutes.

A tremor of edginess rose in Jake as they settled on the bed. The day at the beach still dominated his thoughts, making him wonder if Alex would bring it up, if he wouldn’t bring it up, if he wanted it brought up, if he wanted Alex to bring it up so he wouldn’t have to and admit it had been on his mind. 

“Are they always this way on New Year’s?” Alex asked after a particularly loud round of laughter from their dads downstairs.

“Some years they’re worse. Just wait, they’ll get louder the more they drink,” Jacob smirked.

A bittersweet smile spread on Alex’s face. “Well I’m glad he’s had you two to spend past New Years’ with at least, when Bella and I couldn’t be here, though it doesn’t seem like much would be different.” 

“It wouldn’t be,” Jacob assured him. “It’s always been them hanging out together, sometimes with the Clearwater's over too, and me playing beer boy for them all night.”

Alex’s timid smile brightened as he laughed and shook his head at him, and for the countless times in the last few days Jacob was reminded of the way Alex had looked at him in the truck and his heart beat a little faster.

Jacob swallowed thickly. “So, the other day…”

Alex met his gaze with surprise, his chest fluttering anxiously. “Yeah?”

Jacob couldn't bear to hold his eyes and dropped them to his hands in his lap instead. “I—I’m sorry for all the questions.” He winced at himself as the words came out. Why did he want to bring this up again?

The tension in Alex deflated as he laughed. “Jake,” he stressed, “it’s fine. Completely and utterly fine. You don’t need to apologize.”

“Let me apologize,” Jake persisted. “I feel like I should. It was… intrusive.”

“Be intrusive, I don’t care,” Alex said flippantly.

“You’re impossible,” Jacob groaned.

“No,” Alex said pointedly, “I’m just not afraid of sharing.”

“Not this again.” Jake rolled his eyes, but Alex’s full laugh infected him and made his face break into a splitting smile. “I’m not afraid of sharing, or letting people in, or anything of the sort that you accuse me of,” Jacob claimed defiantly over Alex’s poorly stifled laughter.

“Okay.”

“I mean it.”

“Sure, sure,” Alex mocked.

“Ask me something then,” Jacob blurted.

Alex bit his lip as his laughing fit died down, and he leaned forward intently. Jacob unwaveringly held his friend's heavy, scheming gaze. His heart skipped several beats while he waited. 

“New Year’s resolutions,” Alex said simply, slowly, and leaned back to rest on his hands, still regarding Jacob fixedly.

Jake snickered. “I want to finish the Rabbit,” he answered quickly.

Alex made a show of rolling his eyes dramatically. “That’ll be any day now,” he countered. “That’s too easy.” 

I want to figure this feeling out, Jake thought. He wanted to get a hold of it or get it out of his system, to kiss Alex and know what it would be like so he could stop thinking about it. 

Jacob shrugged. “I don’t plan too far ahead — where’s the fun in that? You never know what’s going to happen, so why bother to plan it all.” 

“Sure things will always be different than you expect, but there can still be things you’re determined to do. Or simply want to,” Alex defended. 

“Alright, what are yours then since you seem like you have some ideas,” Jake challenged.

Alex cocked his head to one side as he contemplated. “I want…” he drew out the word and Jacob became aware that he was holding his breath. He forced himself to exhale. “I want to travel sometime, to go on a roadtrip sounds fun. I wanted to take one last year from Phoenix to here when we moved, but we didn’t have a reliable car to take — obviously, since Charlie got us the truck.”

“You think the truck is reliable?” Jacob laughed.

“It’s not done me wrong yet, thanks to you.”

“I’ll accept praise for that — I did kind of an amazing job keeping that thing alive,” Jake boasted. “But I don’t know how it’d fair on a long trip.”

A coy smirk slipped onto Alex’s face. “I guess you’ll just have to come with me and make sure it doesn’t break down then.”

“Is that an official invitation?”

“I did say I’d show you Arizona some day, didn’t I?”

Jacob smiled with Alex, already knowing he’ll be crushed if the roadtrip doesn’t actually happen. 

Charlie and Billy shouted for everyone to come downstairs. The television feed from Times Square grew louder, and the hosts' excited voices backed by hundreds of cheering eager people mixed with Charlie and Billy’s banter. Jacob glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand and his stomach flipped as he realized they were less than ten minutes away from midnight. 

Bella’s door opened and she wandered downstairs to join their dads. They would be following her any moment now. Jake was suddenly aware of how sweaty his palms felt, and how hard it was to breath. In the living room, Charlie loudly, tipsily, delighted in Bella’s rare appearance, overjoyed that she was simply there. Beside him, Alex laughed lightly at Charlie’s commotion and Bella’s ensuing silence. Jacob’s lips parted but no words came out. He was too frozen to speak, afraid he’d break the moment or scare himself away from the impulse that had been filling his head of late.

Their dad’s called out again, and Alex looked over to Jake and Jake thought his heart would burst.

Alex nodded toward the stairs and made to stand up. “Come on, we should go.”

With his heart in his throat Jacob grabbed Alex’s hand to keep him from leaving, and he leaned in and kissed him. 

It was short and chaste, and Alex didn’t have a chance to respond before the shouts from the living room rose again, and Jacob broke away quickly and hid his bright blush as he made his way down to their families. 

Alex gaped in the wake of it and felt his cheeks burn bright red. He buried his head in his hands as a luminous smile broke over his face and his eyes threatened to mist over. He took a shaky breath and pulled himself together and hurried down the stairs to join the others.

Jacob stood beside Billy, watching as the countdown on the screen began — if he was aware of Alex looking at him he didn’t give it away. Alex leaned against the armchair Bella sat in, her composure quiet and sullen as always. He nudged her shoulder anyway.

“Happy New Year,” he whispered to her as cheers erupted and the confetti fluttered around the people gathered around Times Square. 

Bella tore herself out of her nothingness enough to nod back, but as she glanced at her brother something caught in her chest. She watched him more closely, noticing the thinly veiled elation spilling out of him, and for the first time in months, she wondered what she had missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes since it's been a while: I put off updating this for a while because it felt tonally off considering two of the main characters are white children of a white cop. Charlie Swan is obviously only fiction, written by a racist Mormon woman, and he is no exception when I say ACAB simply because he is a beloved character, so no "Charlie is the only good cop" or anything like that, please. Black lives matter and indigenous lives matter, and if you disagree you can see yourself out. I make no profit off writing this fanfiction. I do it for personal enjoyment and entertainment and it's free for anyone to consume, and there are thousands of other Twilight media fanwork to consume instead of giving Smeyer money when Midnight Sun comes out, and I highly encourage you to take the money you might have spent on Midnight Sun and/or all other Twilight media and donate it to the Quileute Tribe. If anything I have said upsets you, then walk away. Do not engage with this content if you found what I have said controversial.


	5. Piano Fire

Alex went to Leah in a slight panic. 

He draped himself across her bed while she reclined in her desk chair and laughed at him. Most of the empty spots on her wall were filled with new pictures — one of the two of them taken on his polaroid, another few of her and Seth, a couple with Sue and Harry.

“Leah, I’m so fucked. I’m in too deep. I’m…” Alex gaped for the words. “I’m actually in love with him.”

“I don’t know why you’re freaking out about this,” Leah drawled. “It’s not like he doesn’t like you back. You literally went on a date, and then he kissed you.”

“But it wasn’t a date,” Alex insisted. “We were just hanging out, and the kiss was… it wasn’t like that.”

Leah rolled her eyes. “Boys are a different kind of stupid,” she sighed.

“I’ve never claimed to not be a stupid boy.” Alex threw her a defensive glare. “No smart person gets themself into this kind of situation.”

“I will admit your masochistic first impression has yet to let me down,” Leah pondered aloud.

“You’re so helpful.”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you if you’re just going to deny everything I say. You like him. He likes you.”

Alex raised his head to narrow his eyes at her. “Did he tell you that?”

“Well no, but he doesn’t need to,” she mused. “I swear it’s like I can see it on his face everytime we go over to their house.”

Alex shook his head. “Swearing isn't enough. This isn’t some minor little crush anymore.”

Leah snorted. “It hasn’t been for a while, but thanks for catching up to the rest of us who’ve had to be around you two together.”

“But that’s just it,” Alex stressed, “everyone has been around us together so you’re all biased.”

“Talk to someone that hasn’t been around you two then,” Leah told him. “They’ll tell you the same shit I’m telling you now. Go on, I dare you.”

—

On the first day back to school Alex told Angela about the date-but-not-date and the kiss-but-not-kiss.

She raised a brow at him. “And you sound confused because…?” 

“You’re just like Leah,” he sighed. 

“Well what did Leah say?” 

Alex grimaced. “If it looks like a date and feels like a date…”

“Then it was a date.” Angela smiled smugly as they walked into Shakespeare together. “I like that Leah girl more and more.”

Alex rolled his eyes at her and scanned the room for Bella. She was already seated, though not at her usual desk in the back. She sat at a desk on the far side of the room near the middle of the row. That was new. 

Alex considered the situation for a moment, then sat beside Angela on the same side of the room as Bella, but a few seats closer to the front and to their friends. He glanced behind to see if she had noticed, if she might be persuaded to move closer, but Bella only stared out the window at the gloomy sky.

They paid little attention to the lecture as Mr. Berty began the introduction to their next play. They had wrapped up Much Ado About Nothing before break and were moving on to a tragedy: Hamlet. 

“The kiss was because of New Years,” Alex said lowly to Angela. “It wouldn’t have happened otherwise, and it was probably platonic… on his part.”

The glare that she pierced him with was nothing short of exasperated. She looked ready to smack him with the notebook she had clenched in her hands. “People don’t just kiss someone they don’t have feelings for!” she whispered scathingly.

Mr. Berty turned around from writing on the whiteboard to survey the room. Alex and Angela, along with other chatty students, hushed and made themselves look attentive. A few long moments after the teacher turned his back to the class again Alex and Angela leaned a little closer to each other.

“We haven’t even talked about the kiss — he hasn’t brought it up or done anything else that would make me think it meant something to him,” Alex confided quietly. “So until then, it means nothing.”

Angela huffed, unimpressed. “Fine, I’ll play along. Let’s assume he’s just really secure with his masculinity and he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. Then what?”

“Then we keep being friends, and I’ll learn to get over my feelings or I’ll pine for the rest of my life.”

“Then I guess it’s a good thing he definitely has feelings for you.”

The school’s old decrepit copies of Hamlet were passed out, and Mr. Berty released the class to break into discussion groups. Jessica turned around in her desk to face Alex and Angela with a mildly insulted pinch to her brows. “Alright, what did I miss? What’s going on?”

“You kissed him… and you’re not sure… if you have feelings…” Quil stared at Jacob from across the lunch table as if he was about to bang his head against the nearest wall. Embry just shook his head in disbelief. 

Jacob swallowed thickly. “...Yeah, but like, it wasn’t like… like that,” he defended timidly.

Quil almost laughed. “Right, right. So like platonic. Kissing. On the lips—”

“It didn’t mean anything! We’re close — it’s as simple as that. I don’t even know if I like boys.”

Quil rolled his eyes. “Yeah and I’m close to Em, but I’ve never thought of macking on him.”

Jacob fixed him with an irritated glare. “It was barely a peck.”

“Doesn’t matter.” 

“I like girls,” Jacob said firmly. “Hell, I even used to have a crush on Bella when we were kids.”

“Well,” Embry spoke up, “do you still have a crush on Bella?” 

“N-no, but—”

“But nothing,” Quil groaned. “You can like both girls and boys, Jake. Just because you’re certain you like girls doesn’t mean you can’t also like boys.” A sly grin grew on his face. “Or specifically Alex.”

“Wow, Quil, I can’t believe you almost said something comforting there,” Jacob huffed.

“Yeesh, tender subject much—”

“Oh shut it, both of you.” Embry sighed and rubbed his aching temple. “If you don’t like him then what is all this?” he asked Jake and gestured to his rattled frame. “You wouldn’t be this torn up over it if it was nothing.”

Jacob scrambled for words. “I don’t—I don’t know. My overactive teenage brain is confused is all. I mean, I spend a lot of time with him, and he’s…”

“Hot?” Embry supplied. Jacob glared harshly at him and Embry grinned back nonchalantly. “Chill out, I say that with the same passionlessness that I’d call Leah hot — I know it because I have eyes. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to encroach on YOUR Alex.”

“He’s not MY Alex,” Jacob gaped.

Quil smiled slowly. “Would you rather I call him MY Alex?”

“No!” Jake snapped. “He’s not anybody’s, okay? Alex is Alex’s, he’s his own. He doesn’t belong to anybody.”

“Exactly the point,” Quil stressed. “He’s free for all right now! Single, open real estate, no one’s made a move… yet.”

“I don’t know about that,” Embry said. “Jake’s sort of made a move — he only flirts with Alex ALL the time.”

“I do not flirt with Alex.”

“How thick do you think we are?” Embry groaned with frustration. Both Jake and Quil paused, taken aback by Embry’s evergrowing prickliness today. Embry looked between them cluelessly. “What?”

Jacob shook his head. “I don’t… intentionally flirt with him.”

Quil raised an unimpressed brow. “You’re telling me you haven't meant it once? Not even a single time? Just to make him blush or see what he would say back?”

Jacob floundered for words and felt his face flush with heat. He leaned back in his seat and dropped his eyes.

“He definitely has feelings,” Jessica concluded.

“See?” Angela turned to Alex pointedly.

Alex scoffed. “That still doesn’t help. Okay fine, he might like me — but I’m pretty sure the whole state of Washington knows I have feelings so it’s not like he just doesn’t know if I like him back. He knows I like him — he has to — so if he likes me too then why won’t he just go for it?”

“Because what if I do and then all these feelings go away?” Jacob gushed. “I could ruin everything and hurt Alex and have used him as some kind of experiment to know if I like boys and he deserves better than that. Yes, fine, I’ll admit I have a crush! But what if that’s all it is? Crushes go away all the time, and if I start something serious because of it before I know for sure then I’ll ruin any relationship with him. I’d rather have him as a friend than nothing at all.”

“He sounds like quite the Hamlet to me — indecisive, doesn’t know what he wants or how to do it…” said Jessica, aware that Mr. Berty was passing behind her, listening in on their discussion. He meandered on to the next group. “It’s fitting too, you’d totally make for a good Horatio, Alex,” she said with a satisfied little smile.

Alex rolled his eyes. “I think you’ve got it backwards, Jess — I’m the one who’s lost. What am I supposed to do?”

“Figure your feelings out,” Embry told Jacob. “That’s the only thing left to do.”

“If things start to go somewhere again,” Angela mused out loud, “like at the beach or on New Years, don’t let the moment slip away.”

Jacob and Alex dropped their chins into their hands. “Easier said than done.”

—

They hadn't seen each other in person since New Year’s, and Alex and Jacob's first Saturday together dragged closer slowly and yet too quickly all at once. Their conversations over the phone since New Year’s Eve had been perfectly, painfully normal — a false sense of security settling over them as no mentions of kissing or anything near the subject were brought up that might lead them to stumble into acknowledging it.

The anticipation of things being awkward between them had Jacob's stomach tying itself into knots as he waited for Alex to pull into the driveway any minute now. 

Figure his feelings out, Embry had told him. Jacob wanted to scoff at that. He had been figuring his feelings out, slowly albeit, but he was. If he like-liked Alex then he would figure it out when he was supposed to, right? Why rush and make more of a mess of things than he already had.

At the familiar sweet sound of the truck’s engine, Jake bottled all his flustered energy, both the excitement and the dread, and he got up to meet Alex. If he hesitated for a split moment before answering the door to make it seem like he hadn’t been impatiently waiting, well, he was allowed to spare himself a few embarrassments he figured.

When he opened the door Alex turned to face him, a pale hand brushing brown waves out of his eyes, and Jacob’s heart skipped.

“Hey,” Alex said.

“Hey,” Jacob returned coolly and stepped back to let Alex in. As he closed the front door Alex fidgeted with the strap of his bookbag and distracted himself by saying hello to Billy in the living room. Jacob was momentarily thankful that his dad didn't seem to sense any tension as he small talked with Alex about the start of the new semester, and things felt almost normal as he interrupted to pull Alex away to his room.

A small silence stretched between them as Alex dropped his bag on the floor and Jake made his way back to his school work laid on his bed — Alex couldn’t tell if the silence was an uncomfortable one or not, but he figured it was all in his head because as far as he could tell Jake seemed unphased. In fact, if Alex didn’t know any better, he would think nothing had ever happened between them. 

“Don’t tell me that’s all yours,” he said casually, eyeing the smear of papers on Jake's bed. The possibly imagined weight in the room melted away imperceptibly.

Jacob smirked and sat amongst the assignments with his back against the wall, raking in his piles to make room for Alex. “Most of it’s mine — this stuff is Embry’s. He left school early Friday so I’m filling out some of his work for him that’s due Monday so he doesn’t have to worry about it.”

“Why’d he leave early?” Alex asked as he made himself comfortable on the bed and dug around in his bag.

Jacob shrugged. “He said he wasn’t feeling well. He hates being sick, I think it’s why he was in a bad mood the last few days this week. My guess is he was probably coming down with something before yesterday and just finally bit the bullet and went home to get it over with so he can be back by Monday.”

“I can’t say I blame him if that’s the amount of homework you’re already getting.” Alex let his bag fall back to the floor once he had found his book.

The small narrow shape was familiar by now to Jacob, who’d seen Alex with similar ones several times over their weekends together, though this one looked to be in better condition than the ones before it. “What are you starting?” Jake asked and nodded to the play in Alex’s hands.

“Hamlet,” Alex answered calmly, refusing to let his thoughts bring up his conversation with Angela and Jess. “I’ve already read it twice before but might as well a third time. This is actually my copy from home, the school’s copy is still in my bag.”

“It’s one of your favorites then?” Jacob asked.

Alex nodded. “My favorite of Shakespeare, at least.”

“What makes you like it more than the others?”

“It has all the same melodrama as usual Shakespeare — dramatic deaths, angst filled speeches, comp—” Alex stuttered to a stop, quickly deciding to avoid bringing up complicated romances, “—complicated characters,” he said instead. Jake didn’t react to his fumble, and Alex felt his heartbeat settle down. “But I think the ideas behind this one stuck with me. The whole philosophical debate over if we have any choice in our own destiny or if fate finds a way even if we fight it, if by resisting it we accidentally manifest it or if it was bound to happen no matter what we chose, if it’s possible to miss your destiny or mess it up or if it was always meant to be that way.”

“So where do you stand on that?” Jacob leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, chin in his hand. “Do you believe in fate or is it all made up?”

Alex tilted his head to one side as he thought. “I’m not sure. I think maybe we all believe we have a lot more control over our fate than we really do, but we don’t realize it until long after.”

Jacob scrunched his nose up at the sentiment. “I don’t believe in it — I think we make our own fate.”

“I’d like to think that but that’s what all the characters thought too,” Alex gestured with the book as he spoke, “until it’s too late and their choices lead to their fatal fates anyway. We always end up where we're supposed to be no matter what we decide.” 

“That’s too pessimistic of an outlook for me,” Jake decided.

“I know.” That’s why I love you, Alex thought. He shook his head to focus himself. “Themes of fate aside, I think you’d like the story.”

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never read it, or seen it.”

“Well it’s worth the read if you can wrap your head around Shakespeare language. It’s always easier too when you see it performed or at least hear it spoken like it’s intended.”

Jacob considered the idea for a moment, and said, “Read it to me then.”

Alex looked up from the book with wide eyes. “What?”

“Who knows, maybe reading it outloud will change your perspective since you’ve read it so many times already,” Jacob wondered aloud.

“Sure…” Alex’s face felt too warm for his liking. “Right now?”

“Why not,” Jacob smiled triumphantly.

“Don’t you have other work to be doing?”

“I can listen while I write,” he said and pulled a textbook and notebook onto his lap, plucked up a pencil, and looked expectantly at Alex.

Alex rolled his eyes but his face felt warmer still as he opened the book and flipped the pages to act one scene one.

Jacob took notes from his textbook as he said he would, but his progress slowed as he listened to, and more so watched, Alex read. His brown hair was threateningly close to getting in his eyes as he bowed his head, though Alex didn't seem to notice as his sight was trained on the page. By scene two Jacob was aware he was staring but Alex's concentration went unbroken, and so Jacob allowed his gaze to roam the planes of Alex's face and linger on the curve of his lips and the arch of his brow — slaking his ever growing impulse to steal another unsatisfyingly short glance.

He guiltily, mournfully pretended to be taking notes again when Alex reached the end of scene three and bookmarked the page. 

“Okay,” Jake said, twiddling with his pencil between his fingers, “you have me hooked, destiny be damned.”

A poorly concealed grin pulled at Alex's lips and his eyes glittered before he flitted them away. What a perfectly Jake sentiment, he thought, feeling his chest swell with warmth. “Here, you can keep my copy,” Alex said.

Jacob looked up at him stunned. “You— you don’t have to do that.”

“I have the school’s copy, it’s fine. Keep it in case you want to read ahead or reread it.”

“Oh… okay.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s just — you’re not giving me it just because…”

“Just because what?”

“Nothing, nevermind.”

“Because what, Jake?” Alex narrowed his eyes at him. “It’s not for your birthday if that’s what you’re worried about. But don’t think I’ve forgotten about it just because you refuse to bring it up, I know it’s coming up soon.”

Jacob hid a guilty smile and ducked his head.

“Jacob, I swear to god if your birthday is tomorrow and you’ve waited this long to finally tell me.”

“No, no it’s not tomorrow…”

“TODAY?”

“NO!” Jacob laughed. “It’s… next weekend. The fourteenth.” Alex shook his head and opened his mouth to speak but Jacob cut him off before he could be scolded. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to feel like you had to go out of your way and get me something. I just… want to hang out with you on my birthday, okay? Nothing special.”

“Nothing? Not even something small?” Alex huffed. “Honestly I’m begging you to ask for something just so I don’t feel like a bad friend.”

“Fine,” Jake conceded with a nervous grin. “I want to spend the night at your house again, next Saturday.”

“Mhm…” Alex nodded. “I saw that one coming.”

“And…” Jacob dropped his voice lower, “we should smoke again. There. Are two requests special enough?”

“I’d hardly call either of those things that special but I guess.”

It’s special because it’s you, Jacob thought.

—

Alex tried to forget about the kiss before Saturday. He found his mind running back to it at every undistracted moment, but it was surprisingly easy for it to fly out of his thoughts when he and Jacob talked on the phone Thursday night — there was something off with Jake. Alex sensed it the moment he picked up the phone and suddenly the only thing on his mind was worry. Jake rarely let anyone know when something was bothering him, and if he was actually letting it show then something had to be terribly wrong. 

After a handful of responses that were a little too short and a laugh that was a little too forced, Alex couldn’t stand waiting any longer. “Alright, what’s bothering you? You sound way too upset for someone whose birthday is in a few days.”

Jacob was quiet for a minute and his sigh crackled through the phone. “It’s Embry. He’s not back yet. We haven’t seen him at all.”

“He’s still sick?”

“We guess. That’s what his mom says anyway. Quil tried to go see him yesterday, and he didn’t see Embry, but he did see Sam at his house, talking with Em’s mom it looked like.”

“Sam?” Alex’s stomach flipped nervously. “Why would he be there?”

Jacob shrugged to himself. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

A slow dread sank through Alex. The memory of Sam leading Jared and Paul into the dark treeline behind his house surfaced in his mind too easily — the terror of thinking his sister was dead and the shock of seeing Paul after his long disappearance had left him disoriented. Even now thinking back on it, Alex struggled to wrap his mind around how the two were connected as he so surely felt they were. Maybe they knew what the Cullen’s were, or at least knew they were dangerous. He could believe that; Billy seemed wary of them, it made sense for others to be so too. That was what he’d settled on months ago to stop himself from losing his mind entirely, but that didn’t explain why Paul distanced himself from them, why Jake told him that at school Paul was completely closed off and avoided everyone except for Jared who was a grade above him. And it didn’t explain why Embry would suddenly be following Paul’s footsteps. 

“We’ll figure this out, Jake… And worst-case scenario? He can’t avoid all three of us forever.”

Jacob closed his eyes and rested his head back against the wall. “He can try though.”

“Well,” Alex thought aloud, a smile twitching onto his lips, “you want to stake out his house?”

Despite himself Jacob began to smile too, not because the idea was particularly funny or uplifting, but because he knew if he actually wanted to do such a ridiculous thing Alex wouldn’t bat an eye before joining him. “Maybe,” Jake mused more lightly, “but not this weekend, I kind of have plans.”

“You mean you don’t want to spend your birthday sitting in a loud, old truck with subpar heating in the middle of January?” Alex smiled when Jacob’s laugh was almost back to normal, but the sound faded too soon for his liking. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come over tonight? School night or not, I really don’t care.”

“I’ll be alright, I promise. It’s already late and you have a test tomorrow. I’ll see you the day after anyway.”

“If you say so,” Alex sighed. “Goodnight, Jake, see you in a couple days.”

“Goodnight Alessio…” Jacob pressed his lips together and hesitated. A rush of affection pierced him, and he thought about telling Alex how much he meant to him, but he faltered — scared to say too much and not sure where that line to too much lay. Then the dial tone buzzed in his ear and he knew Alex had put the phone down and was on his way to bed.

Jacob sighed and placed the phone in its cradle and decided it was time for him to do the same.

He collapsed on his bed and picked Hamlet up from his nightstand. He'd read ahead to the start of act two already, but he thumbed through the first pages again, glancing at the scribbled notes in the margins and underlined passages Alex had left behind. He read and reread passages that he seemed to always open the page to, the ink staining its way onto the back of his eyelids as he drifted into the start of a familiar dream that would morph unrecognizably.

Jacob sat in his bedroom alone at home. Hamlet was open in his lap, and his brow furrowed as he concentrated on reading, or tried to. He couldn't make sense of the lines on the pages, couldn’t focus on the words — all the letters scrambled faster than he could decipher them. A slow panic filled him. Jacob flipped to new pages but they were all the same, so he kept flipping pages, all more unreadable than the last. Then they were blank. The book was empty like the ink had evaporated right off the soft yellowed paper. 

A voice, muted and indistinguishable, came from the kitchen. It jarred him enough to break through his frenzy. Jacob dropped the book onto the bed, and he tiptoed to his doorframe. His ears strained as he listened, but the house was silent, and still, and empty. 

The light in the kitchen was on, the only light in the otherwise dark house.

Jacob slowly crept to the kitchen. The light spilled out from the room into the dim blue seeping in from dusk outside. He reached to flip the lightswitch off, and beyond the window in the backyard the garage lit up just as the kitchen went dark.

Bright yellow flooded into the growing twilight. It casted shadows onto the ground, shadows of people, silhouettes he knew the shape of.

Jacob was outside by the time he heard the voices again. The whispers hummed off into the susurate sound of the forest nearby, the syllables blended into the hush of trees swaying in the breeze, and the consonants became the echoes of animals and insects and birds. It was quiet. There was only the forest and his breathing and the hum of the light in the garage as he approached it. 

A voice spoke again. It was clearer than before, and it was a familiar one. 

Jacob picked up his pace but when he turned the corner of the garage no one was there. The only thing before him was a car, beaten and broken and dented beyond repair, the glass windows shattered on the ground beneath his feet. 

His heart was beating too fast. He could feel it thump heavily, hastily, against his chest.

“Within a month…” 

The voice startled him. It was hushed, whispered with the intimacy of a secret, and it came from just around the back of the garage, on the other side of the wall. 

“...ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears…”

Jacob sprinted out of the garage and into the dark blue evening. The bushes behind the house rustled with movement. He took off following it into the forest. The trees were thicker, denser than he remembered. The nettles and leaves and bark seemed nearly black. Night had set, or maybe it was the forest blocking out the little glow left in the sky. 

“...it is not nor it cannot come to good…” 

The voice was much clearer. It sounded just ahead of him. If only he could see through the impenetrable dark…

Jacob squinted and sped after the voice. “Wait!”

He stumbled into a small clearing, so small he could barely see the sky when he looked up — the branches blanketed the sky above him. He could only sense a subtle, shimmering stream of moonlight cast down onto him through the leaves. He was breathing heavily, trying to catch his breath. 

There was a second breath. A heavier one, a strange one, perfectly in time with his. 

Jacob held his breath, and then everything went quiet.

The voice was by his ear, ghosting over his skin.

“But break my heart for I must hold thy tongue…”

Jacob whipped around. Alessio wasn’t there, but something lurked just beyond the trees. Something that made all the hair on his body stand and prickle as it growled low, so deep and rumbling and subtle it seemed to come from everywhere. The dark mass moved, rising, and he began to make out its hulking form from the branches and leaves around it, and as the shapes began to fall into place, Jacob woke up.

—

Saturday afternoon Alex hopped out of the truck and tossed the keys to Jacob. Jake’s face lit up, and as he was about to boast Alex cut him off.

“Don’t, don’t say it — I will take those back if you do.”

Jacob laughed, and he more than happily slid behind the wheel of the truck to drive them back to Alex’s house. Alex watched Jake’s easy smile as the trees blurred around him out the window, and he wanted to ask about Embry but couldn’t bring himself to break this fragile cheeriness. Jacob’s troubled expression had cleared into something brighter when Alex had shown up to whisk him away, and it didn’t seem right to shatter that. Alex decided then that there would be no bringing up the kiss, no attempted flirting — nothing to give Jacob any reason to not be smiling like he was right now. If Jake needed a break, Alex would gladly give him one.

“You need to catch up,” Jacob remarked, spying the bookmark in Alex’s copy of Hamlet on his desk. “I’m way ahead of you by now.”

“What part are you at?” scoffed Alex.

“The whole to be or not to be thing,” Jake said and thumbed through the book to find where he’d left off.

Alex shook his head in disbelief. “I need to catch up? Maybe you should slow down — you’re an entire act ahead of me.”

“Maybe,” Jake agreed. His eyes scanned over the pages before letting the book flutter shut. “I’ve had some weird dreams this week.”

“I think you’re taking Shakespeare too seriously.” 

“Murder and vengeful ghosts are very serious things,” Jake argued.

“Fair, but no scary movies tonight,” Alex resolved. “I’m pretty sure when it starts affecting your dreams it’s a sign to lay off the spooky stuff.” He smiled at Jacob as he pulled the book out from his hand and dropped it into his bookbag where it was out of sight.

Jacob was about to put up a fight when he noticed the cassette player resting at the top of Alex’s bag, and in it was the mixtape he’d given him, still being listened to even though Christmas was weeks ago. 

Jacob had to turn around in his chair to hide his smile. He pulled the album of polaroids on the desk closer to distract from the heat rising to his cheeks. 

Alex had been acting normal — no, normal wasn't right, because normally he'd make comments here or there that made Jacob’s insides curl with some forgeign feeling, and he’d give him looks that made his face feel warm and innocent touches that made his heart race, but there had been none lately. Alex didn't seem off, but he wasn’t what had become normal between them either. 

Jacob could forget about that normal if he wanted to, and he could let himself forget about the kiss, let things feel like nothing had changed. But instead of feeling relieved, disappointment settled in Jake’s chest when he thought about losing the excuse to hold Alex’s hand and sit closer to him while they watched movies. He wanted to cower into him from jumpscares, to swim in the ocean in the middle of the night with him again. He wanted to know if the kiss meant anything to Alex, and he realized he wanted the kiss to mean something to Alex.

Jacob reached the end of the polaroids sleeved in the album. There were plenty of empty spaces waiting to be filled, and Jake wondered how, with so many memories, there could be so few pictures comparatively. With a smirk he reached for a small box hidden at the corner of Alex’s desk. There were no more pictures inside the polaroid box, but there was Alex’s stash however. 

“We could by now,” Alex told him. Night had fallen and Charlie was in bed snoring already.

“It’s your weed.”

“But your birthday.”

Jacob vividly recalled the last time they did this — how much his stomach had twisted with butterflies as he watched Alex’s face glow from the illuminated lighter, just like now, except Alex didn’t meet his eyes over the flame this time, and Jacob desperately wished to see the way the fire reflected warm in his brown eyes. He recalled their fingers brushing with each pass, but there was none of that either. He remembered how small and confined and safe the world had felt, like it was just them. The thought of having that again made his heart beat a little faster.

“You never told me about the weird dreams you said you were having,” Alex inquired. 

“I don’t remember them really, just the general feeling once I wake up.” Jacob’s eyes lingered longer each time, not wanting to stop watching the thin stream of smoke Alex blew out toward the window. He reached a little closer so that their fingers brushed as Alex passed the joint back to him, but Alex didn’t seem aware of the purposefulness of Jake’s action, or if he did, he didn’t show it. Jacob took his time taking a hit and dispelling the smoke. “You never told me what you dream about, except that it’s sometimes about Bella, or me.” When he passed it back to Alex, he caught his eyes, and Alex almost smirked at him. Maybe it was a trick of the light.

“They’re rarely the same dream,” Alex stated simply and shrugged.

“That only makes me more interested in what I’m doing in them each time,” Jacob countered.

Alex did smile at that, and he held Jake's gaze, and Jake had the feeling Alex was doing some quick decision making as he regarded him. Alex seemed to have made his decision as he passed the joint to Jacob and leaned back against the wall, his eyes sliding to look out the window. Though Alex had moved back, he didn’t feel farther away from Jake at all — if anything, they felt closer still, like the world enveloped just the two of them.

It wasn't a conscious decision on Jacob’s part to lean forward and catch Alex’s attention, to have Alex turn his head to face him again, and Jacob found himself reaching out to settle a hand on Alex’s jaw and leaning the rest of the way forward, before even deciding to do so. 

Their lips met with the gentlest of grazes as smoke passed between their parted mouths. The tender connection suspended an eternity as Jacob’s action took them both by surprise — but when Alex tilted his head the slightest bit, and his lips began to move, actuality set in and Jacob flushed with panic and he pulled away.

Alex stared at Jacob, slowly exhaling the smoke, savoring the proof that that had really happened. Jake’s eyes were fixed on the windowsill, and when he bit his lip and determinedly did not look over, Alex turned too, giving him a way out.

“I think that’s enough for tonight,” laughed Alex quietly, and he began putting everything away. 

With anxious, hesitant glances, Jacob watched Alex hide the evidence in the little box. His cheeks burned with a flurry of emotions — he felt out of his depth, he had no idea what he was doing. Alex’s assuredness was daunting, and Jacob fell in its shadow. The fear that he was going to make a mess of things hung over him so he retreated, only to feel like he was messing things up anyway by retreating. Jacob felt trapped between two different types of shame. 

Alex didn’t seem to mind though. He was stifling a smile even as he rose from the window, unlike Jacob. That cheeriness Alex had wanted so badly to keep on his face was gone, though Alex wasn’t sure if it was his fault or not as Jake had been the one to initiate something, specifically after Alex finally decided to withdraw from doing so himself. Alex held back a laugh and shook his head as he set the box back on his desk.

“I still can’t believe you kept this from me,” Alex said pointedly, drawing Jacob out of his head. A sea of understanding had spanned between them, like a palpable clearing of the water; Alex knew that a second kiss couldn’t mean nothing. Even if Jake pulled away before it was really a kiss because he wasn’t ready yet, Alex could live with that for now. They didn’t need to figure it all out tonight. They had time.

“What?” Jake blanched as he looked over to him finally.

“Your birthday?” Alex laughed.

Jacob visibly relaxed and smiled a little. “I didn’t want you to freak out.”

“Mhm, and not telling me worked out so much better.” 

“It did,” Jake said confidently.

Alex ignored the flutter in his heart. Of course Jacob would shy away from kissing him at the last moment, but then go and say something like that. Alex rolled his eyes despite not being able to contain his smile. His gaze landed on the star map on his wall in front of him. Something occurred to him suddenly.

“You’re a capricorn?” Alex blurted. 

Jacob laughed fully and covered his mouth with his hands to try to stay quiet. “Uh, I think so, why?” 

“I just... never realized.” 

“Well what are you,” he asked playfully, “and what is capricorn to you — why do you say it like that?” 

Alex laughed at his eagerness. “I’m a virgo, and a lot makes sense about you now.”

Jacob rolled his eyes but was still grinning. “Don’t tell me you really believe in all that stuff.”

“No, I only have a literal star map taped to my wall,” Alex drawled. Astrology had been one of Renee’s many short-lived hobbies, and while Alex had always typically participated in his mother’s most current pursuit, this had been one he’d not dropped when she’d gotten bored of it. 

Perhaps he did have a bit of a fixation with things being written in the stars, Alex realized.

“Yeah but do you really believe it all?” Jake asked honestly. “I mean you and Bella have the same birthday so you’re virgos right? And you guys are so different — when she’s her normal self too, I mean.”

Alex’s smile turned sly and he pushed a few notebooks away to sit on the edge of his desk. “How are we different?”

Jacob knew by the impish look on Alex’s face that he was being set up to prove some point, but he decided to play along. “If I didn’t know either of you that well, I’d think you two are similar, but she’s more distant, I guess — and I don’t just mean recently. Like Bella always seemed like she’s in her own little world in her head. You’re more… open, and you’re really enjoying this aren’t you?”

Looking quite satisfied, Alex nodded. “You’re right about all those things, including the last part,” he said, smiling. “We’re different because we only have sun signs in common — of key placements, anyway.”

“You’re like twenty pages ahead of me now.”

Alex laughed at Jacob’s lost look and explained. “Your birth chart isn’t just one sign — it’s made up of multiple that have to do with different aspects of your personality. Virgo is our sun, like capricorn if yours, and your moon sign is all about your emotions, your inner self, and then there’s your rising which is, like, how you come off to people and how you present yourself. Following along?”

“I think so. You and Bella don’t have those others in common is what you’re saying?”

“Exactly.”

“So what are your other signs then?” Jacob asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

“Bella’s a gemini moon and a capricorn rising, and I’m a cancer moon and aquarius rising,” Alex answered easily. 

Jake frowned with confusion. “But wait, if you’re twins shouldn’t you two be more alike?”

“Not necessarily,” Alex shrugged, “but most twins are I’d suppose. Rising signs change every couple hours, and the moon every few days, and the heavens had enough time to move and all that since we were born a little over two hours apart — I was almost a c-section baby.”

Jacob tsked with a slow shake of his head. “Such a problem child.” 

“I do my best,” Alex grinned back.

“So what are mine?” Jacob asked, eyes glancing between Alex’s indulged smile and the poster of the stars behind him.

“Let’s find out.” Alex grabbed a random notebook with empty pages from his desk and a pencil. He hopped down from the desk and moved toward his bookshelf on the other side of the room, Jake’s eyes following him ardently. “What time were you born and where at?” Alex asked and pulled a large book off the shelf and turned to Jacob, who would have blushed at being caught staring had he not already done worse earlier. 

They had settled on the blankets in their corner of the room beneath the sheet, and they’d flipped on the lantern lights so Alex could see the papers in his lap. Jacob laid on his stomach with a pillow balled beneath him, spending equal time studying Alex’s calculations on the page and his features in the dim light.

An easy silence had fallen over them, just the scratch of Alex’s pencil and the crinkle of pages now and then. Jacob was hesitant to speak. “Aren’t… aren’t horoscopes supposed to predict, like, the doom or success of your relationships or something?”

Alex glanced at him and couldn’t hide his smirk. “That’s compatibility, and it’s more like comparing people’s birth charts to one another’s.”

“Oh,” Jake said simply. “Do you buy into it?”

“Yes and no,” Alex maundered. “I think it can tell you how you might interact with someone, but it’s not like you’re destined to be because your signs are compatible. Or that you can’t make a relationship work just because the stars say you’re not a great match.” Alex glanced at him from the corner of his eye again. “You’re awfully curious about this stuff for someone who doesn’t believe in fate or destiny.”

“Consider it me humoring you.”

“Mmhm,” Alex hummed, his eyes flitting back down to the pages in the book. “You’re more interested in others’ problems and helping solve them, but can be reluctant to do the same for your own.” Alex side eyed him. Jake’s lips parted with a retort ready but Alex’s lips slid into a smile and his eyes went back to the book in his lap and he continued. “Virgo moons like to keep busy, and feel their best when they feel useful or that others can rely on them. Anything sound familiar yet?”

Jacob deflated with a sigh, and he rolled his eyes and dropped his forehead onto the pillow bunched beneath him. “We already knew all this, what else is there.”

Alex giggled to himself. “Aries rising. Honest, independent, headstrong, competitive, a great leader… impulsive…” The word lingered and Jacob risked a glance up at Alex who wasn’t even trying to look innocent. “Can’t imagine you being impulsive.”

Jacob felt his face grow warm under Alex’s eyes crinkling with a smile, and he tucked his blush into his arms. “You’re not allowed to make fun of me on my birthday,” he grumbled tiredly.

“Technically it’s not your birthday anymore,” Alex said and sleepily eyed the alarm clock that told them it was close to two in the morning of the fifthteenth of January. Alex pushed aside the book and papers, satisfied with what they’d uncovered, and leaned back into the pillows.

Jacob moved sluggishly to lay beside him, tucking his pillow beneath his head. “Same principle, we haven’t gone to sleep yet, it’s still today,” he claimed. Jacob yawned and then murmured, “You can make fun of me for kissing you tomorrow.” His eyes were slipping closed with each languid blink.

Warmth spread through Alex, slow but bright, like feeling the sun’s rays. A wide, sleepy smile broke over his face. Jake had said he’d kissed him.

—

Monday morning Alex poured his bowl of cereal, vaguely checking that Bella was at least picking at her toast. His mind was far in the clouds thinking about Jake — about their second almost-kiss, the light sparkling in Jake's eyes as he smiled at him in the truck cabin, the way his hand had lingered on his like some kind of promise before handing back the keys and saying goodbye. 

Charlie’s hand slammed down on the table and startled both twins out of their heads. “That’s it, I’m sending you home, Bella. You’re going to Jacksonville to stay with Renee.”

Alex’s spoon clattered as it dropped into his bowl, and Bella had frozen, staring wide eyed at Charlie with her glass of juice raised half way to her mouth. “W-what?” her voice was high and it cracked with disuse and disbelief.

“I tried to give you time, Bella, but this has gone on long enough.”

“But, why?” Bella’s face crumbled with anguish.

“Why? Because you need help, Bella! I think we all know it’s not good for you to be here anymore,” Charlie thundered.

“I’m not leaving.” Bella’s face steeled. “I haven’t broken any rules, my grades are perfect, I don’t stay out late—”

“That’s exactly the problem! You’re— you’re lifeless, Bella! You don’t do anything. You never do anything, you don’t see your friends, you never go out—”

“That’s not true—”

“Oh, isn’t it?”

“I— I made plans to see a movie…” Bella said.

Charlie looked witheringly at her. “Oh really? With who? And when did this happen?” 

“Friday at school,” she came up with, her brain desperately grasping at scraps of a hazy memory. “A friend at lunch was talking about a new movie they’d just seen.” It wasn’t a complete lie — Bella vaguely recalled Jess complaining about the movie that Mike had taken her to see last Wednesday night; she hadn’t thought Dead End made for a very romantic date.

“Uh huh. And then how come Alex didn’t tell me about you making plans? He sits with you at lunch right?”

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up yet,” Alex stammered. “We threw out the idea to go see it together but nothing was concrete and I didn’t want you to be disappointed if it fell through.” Charlie looked between them, deciding if he wanted to believe them or not. “Thursdays the nineteenth,” Alex continued, “a year since we moved here. We were thinking of ideas to celebrate.”

Charlie’s face remained stern but his eyes softened the slightest bit. “Make sure it doesn’t fall through, yeah?”

“Yes,” the twins said unanimously.

Charlie pulled on his coat and left for work, the twins holding their breath as the dust settled behind him. It wasn’t until the sound of the cruiser leaving the driveway faded that Bella looked at Alex and Alex looked at her.

It was a strange feeling, Bella looking at him without the layer of foggy ice between her and the world that he’d grown used to. Her eyes were still wide like his in the wake of Charlie’s breaking point.

Bella swallowed thickly, glancing to her plate then the clock on the wall, and rose from the table to put her dishes in the sink. “Thank you,” she said meekly and turned to Alex again. 

Alex laughed hollowly and rose to put his bowl in the sink as well. “It’s what I’m here for.”

Bella moved suddenly and threw her arms around her brother. Alex nearly stumbled back he was so caught off guard, but he hugged back hesitantly, afraid she was somehow going to break or crumble into pieces if he squeezed too hard. 

Bella pulled away as suddenly as she’d come, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she grabbed her book bag from the back of a chair. “We should go or we’ll be late to school.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed. Shell shocked, he watched her, like he wasn’t sure what would come next.

Bella seemed more present through the rest of the morning. She remained quiet, but she at least seemed more… there. It put Alex on edge. He should be happy, excited, relieved even — but he was left feeling like he needed to constantly have an eye on her. During the classes they didn’t share he couldn’t focus on anything but wondering if he was about to hear screaming from another classroom and see students running away only for him to find his sister had truly cracked, raving about vampires or huddled on the floor in a sobbing mess. And when none of that happened, he grew uneasy to meet her between buildings or in the halls for fear of seeing the empty iced over look back in her eyes. But that didn’t happen either.

At lunch she actually picked at her food, and she sat the slightest bit closer to the table, closer to Alex, like she wanted to cling to a lifeline but was scared it’d float away if she made a move toward it. 

Angela was the first to notice the subtle shift in Bella, other than Alex.

“How was calculus, Bella?” Angela asked, a gentle, excited smile on her face. “Jess mentioned Varner was extra ruthless today.”

Bella stared with her lips parted for a moment as though remembering how to participate in conversation. “I— uh— yeah, he wasn’t very forgiving on this weekend’s homework.”

Angela sighed, though her eyes shone brightly behind her glasses, and she scrunched up her nose as she looked over her finished calculus assignment, scanning for mistakes. “You wouldn’t happen to remember the correct answers for question thirty-one would you?”

Bella tried to smile apologetically and shook her head. The expression looked off, like it didn’t come natural or she was an alien trying to imitate human expressions, or maybe it had just been so long that any expression looked strange on Bella now. Alex’s heart squeezed in his chest nonetheless — the stirrings of elation beginning to usurp his shock — but he stamped down the feelings. He didn’t want to let himself believe this would last.

Angela turned to him, eyes anxious, and he momentarily worried he’d missed some dire, telling exchange from Bella. “Let me see your homework?” Angela asked as she reached toward his calculus textbook that had his assignment stuck between its pages.

Alex laughed and deflated. “Sure, but I make no promises any of it’s right.”

The last bell of the day rang and Alex quickly made his way to the building door where the twins always met before heading toward the parking lot. His eyes scanned the crowd of students with particular attention, still minorly anticipating some catastrophic event at the back of his mind, and he spotted Bella’s lone figure leaned against the brick wall with her arms hugging her books tightly to her chest. A pained, distant expression haunted her face, creasing her brows and downturning her lips. When Alex drew closer she didn’t respond. He kicked a pebble on the sidewalk in her direction, scuffing the toe of his shoe loudly. “Hey,” said Alex pointedly, “ready to go?” 

Bella rose from her stupor and nodded. Their walk to the truck was silent like usual, though Alex felt compelled to glance and check on her every few moments. That pained expression never returned, but as they climbed into the truck and out onto the road, Alex continued to watch her from his peripheral while he drove. He worried she was slipping back into that empty nothingness, or she would over time, and if she did… 

“We need to follow through with doing something this weekend.” He glanced at Bella to gauge her reaction, and Bella simply regarded him and nodded minutely.

“Okay.”

“It doesn’t have to be a movie, it can be whatever, anything, I really don’t care. I’m just worried if we don’t…”

“Charlie will put his foot down again?”

“Yeah.”

Bella nodded again, turning to look out the windshield. “It’s a good idea. It would be nice to have a night out, just the two of us.” She sounded off, her words too focused on being pronounced, her voice too hollow.

Alex eyed her suspiciously. “Yeah,” he agreed. His eyes were forced back to the road.

“We should do something with Charlie though. He deserves something nice too.”

Alex nodded, feeling strangely like they had just switched places somehow. “We could make him his favorite dinner Thursday,” he tossed out.

“He’d like that,” Bella mused but she still sounded empty, only a shell of emotion. “Movie on Friday then? We both work Saturday.”

“Friday.” Alex nodded. 

They settled into silence for the rest of the ride home, more comfortable than before, but still not peaceful, the dust still not quite settled.

It wasn’t until they were about to get out of the truck that the silence was broken. “Alex?” She waited until he turned around to face her. “I know I already said thank you this morning, but… thank you, again. For having my back. For not giving up on me even though you had every reason to. I— I don’t think I could handle it, if we were split up.” Bella inhaled shakily, arms tightening around herself, and she went inside the house.

Alex’s mind was still reeling from the day’s twists and turns, but deep down he felt a bit calmer. It wasn’t hope exactly, he still felt that niggling at the back of his mind like he was waiting for everything to come crashing down, but maybe, if they could just make it through Friday, then they could figure out the rest after.

The next few days passed quickly and uneventfully. Bella remained silent unless spoken to directly, though she hadn’t receded into herself entirely either. When she was spoken to it was as though she had to concentrate on listening, her ears so used to muffling out the world, and all of her words were forced out — but she tried, and that was more than Alex could ask for. He still caught glimpses of hurt crossing her face in moments when it seemed even she was unaware of it. Her shoulders would crumple into her body and her arms hugged around her midsection and her brow furrow. Then as soon as that faraway, anguished look appeared it would flit away again, and she’d return to her quiet but living state. 

It was hurting her to be more present, Alex could tell that, but she'd have to face it eventually, even in little doses, before she could start to get better. He hoped this wasn’t going to do more damage than good in the end, so he steeled himself for the worst, ready to pick up her pieces.

After school Thursday they started on dinner. Charlie arrived home and observed his kids suspiciously, deciding if the nicer than usual meal was them sucking up to him or not. “What happened to going out and seeing a movie?” he asked as he leaned against the table.

“We thought something with the three of us would be better tonight,” Bella explained.

Charlie nodded slowly. “Alright, you won my stomach over, but don’t think this means you two get to cancel your plans to go out.”

“We won’t,” Alex assured him. “We’re going to Port Angeles to see a movie tomorrow after school.”

Charlie finally relaxed at that, and he began to set the table as the twins worked on finishing dinner when the phone rang. 

“I got it,” Charlie announced. “You two keep cooking.” As he said hello it dawned on Alex that he hadn’t called Jacob all week yet. “It’s for you,” Charlie huffed with the predictability of hearing Jacob ask for Alex on the other end of the line, and he held out the phone for his son.

Alex took the phone and tried to tune out Charlie and Bella’s voices in conversation behind him, Charlie lamely trying to help Bella cook.

“Hey, Jake,” Alex breathed.

“There you are.” Jacob’s laugh rumbled through the phone and made Alex’s insides flip. “I was kind of surprised when you didn’t call yesterday like usual but…” Jake trailed off, his voice growing nervous, and Alex wanted to strangle himself imagining all the things Jake must have thought up for why Alex would suddenly not call him right after they’d nearly kissed again. “I don’t know, I figured maybe you were busy and I didn’t want to bother you, but I just wanted to make sure everything was okay…” Jake rambled.

Alex couldn’t fight the smile spreading across his face. “You never bother me, it just slipped my mind, um… this weeks just been a weird one.”

“Weird how?” 

“It’s… a long story.” Alex glanced behind him, making sure Bella and Charlie were still preoccupied with cooking. 

“Charlie’s in the kitchen isn’t he?” Jacob guessed.

Alex laughed. “Yeah. I’ll tell you everything Sunday — if it’s still alright I come over?”

Jacob snickered. “No, sorry, after nearly two decades of practically being family, your come over whenever you want card has been revoked.”

“Damn, how will I ever break the news to Charlie?”

“What news?” Charlie turned to peer at Alex from the counter, chopping knife stilled in his hand hovering above a tomato.

Alex blushed brightly and looked away, wondering how much Charlie had been listening. “I gotta go, Jake, but I’ll explain okay? It’s nothing bad, I don’t think.”

“I don’t think’,” he mocked with a huff. “Alright, don’t keep me waiting any longer than you have to.” 

“I won’t.” Alex hung up quickly and tried to tone down the smile on his face as he continued setting the table now that Charlie had taken up his job.

Charlie regarded Alex, still paused in cutting vegetables. “What news?”

—

Friday evening they headed to Port Angeles. A few minutes into the long ride there, Alex asked if he was allowed to play music yet.

“Baby steps,” Bella told him.

They hardly talked the rest of the drive and before the movie. Bella still didn’t speak unless spoken to, and Alex didn’t know what was safe to talk about, so they defaulted to that vaguely uneasy but not really awkward silence. They talked only to decide on the movie, Dead End, which seemed innocuous enough. It was mildly entertaining, but Alex was more preoccupied with checking on Bella from his peripheral as she cringed through the mushy opening scene of a couple and then grew less and less aware of the movie at all by its end. 

They were leaving the theatre by the time Alex made up his mind to try and get his sister to talk about anything. Their night was quickly coming to a close and the fear things would return to how they were crept over him again.

“I don’t know what would’ve made Mike believe Jess would like that movie,” Alex mused as they walked along the sidewalk.

“Yeah,” Bella agreed hollowly, “something tells me Mike didn’t think too far into it.”

“Guess that explains why they haven’t been getting along all week— Bells?” Alex came to a halt and turned around sharply as he realized his sister was no longer by his side.

Bella had stopped several steps ago, and she stared across the street, frozen in place. Alex followed her intense searching gaze to see four men illuminated by the neon signs in the windows of the bar they stood outside of. Alex’s chest tightened.

“Bella,” he said low, not wanting to catch the attention of the troublesome and inebriated looking men across the street. But it was too late.

The men had noticed Bella staring and were staring back, their greasy voices growing in volume. Bella swayed with her hands in her pockets still.

“Bella,” Alex said sharply. “Let’s go.”

She didn’t seem to hear Alex at all. “I think I know those guys…” her voice took on a dreamy quality. Her eyes were lit up. 

The men outside the bar whistled tauntingly. Then Bella stepped off of the sidewalk. 

“How ‘bout a drink, sweetheart,” one of the men called out.

“Yeah, come and hang out with us,” another jeered.

Bella drifted closer to them. Her feet took her into the street. “I’m not— I’m not old enough,” she said to them. But she was no longer looking at the men. 

“That’s okay, baby, you can pay us back,” the first man promised slimily. 

Bella wasn’t looking at someone, but at something, at a space of nothing on the sidewalk on the other side of the street. She was reaching a hand out when her other arm was yanked harshly.

Alex’s grip on her elbow was like iron as he dragged her back onto the sidewalk, her feet stumbling to keep up with his unforgiving pace. He didn’t let go until they reached the truck some ten minutes later.

“What the fuck do you think you're doing?” Alex gritted through clenched teeth. He was trying to keep it together, but he was so stunned he couldn’t think clearly enough to keep calm or to rationalize what just happened. Bella stared back motionless, but her vacant blankness was nowhere to be seen, replaced by disbelief, eyes wide and mouth agape like she’d just seen a ghost. Alex shook his head, more at himself than at her. “Get in the truck.” 

He was thankful Bella listened without any fight. He didn’t know if he could handle that right now, not with the way his heart was already pounding and his throat felt tight. When Alex got into the driver’s seat it took him a few tries to get the keys in the ignition because his hands were shaking, and once the rumble of the truck started up he rested his forehead against his hands on the steering wheel and closed his eyes. He shoved his panic at bay, feeling the slightest bit safer now that they were inside a locked truck, and he focused on trying to catch his breath.

After some time Bella glanced at the dashboard and noticed how late it was getting. Alex’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel.

“Alex, we should be getting home soon — Charlie’s going to get worried,” she said before she could stop herself. Bella immediately realized how stupid it was of her to say that in this moment, and she winced when Alex glared at her coldly. 

“Seriously what the fuck was that about,” Alex demanded as he shifted gears to drive.

“I—I don’t know. I thought… I thought I heard… him.”

Alex froze, too afraid to look at her. A nasty comment came to the tip of his tongue, and he knew it would be cruel and he knew he was just angry and scared, so he swallowed it down and said nothing.

The roads were empty and completely dark, punctuated by yellow street lamps illuminating the cabin of the truck for split seconds. The only sound was of the engine for the longest time.

“I saw him,” Bella whispered eventually.

Well he wasn’t there, Alex wanted to snap, but he held it in, afraid it would push her out of her shock and into her shell once again.

By the time they got home they had each composed themself enough to fill Charlie in on their evening — leaving out one crucial event, of course — and once Charlie’s need to know they actually went out and did something was satiated, Bella and Alex both turned to go up to their rooms.

Bella stopped short in the hall as Alex was about to close his door behind him. “Alex,” she called out quietly. “Wait.” He paused but did not turn around to face her. “I’m… sorry.” Bella’s voice cracked.

Alex turned his head the slightest, not quite looking at her. The air between them was heavy, and he knew she wasn’t just sorry for tonight, but for all of it — for more than she knew where to begin. “I know,” Alex whispered, “I am too.” 

He shut his door then, not being able to stand the haunted face of his sister. All his anger seeped out of him suddenly and left him exhausted. With barely a thought, Alex dressed for bed and pulled his comforter off his mattress and onto the floor with him to the corner of his room beneath the sheet.

Feeling more lost than ever, Bella stood in the middle of her room and truly looked at it for the first time in months. It was cleaner than she’d realized she’d kept it, but she supposed she didn’t do much to dirty it nowadays. She walked over to the clear plastic CD case on her shelf with the silver disc shining inside. She vaguely remembered that Alex had put it there some time ago, but she had never realized there was a note attached. She read it for the first time.

“‘Sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.’ —Merry Christmas, Bells.”

Bella’s eyes prickled with tears as she ran her fingers over the writing, recognizing the quote from one of her favorite books, and she opened the case gently as though it might burn her. Her hand was plucking the disc from the case when her eyes stalled on the portable CD player on the shelf next to it. It used to have another CD inside of it, but it had disappeared a long time ago, just like him. 

The memory was like a punch to her gut, leaving her breathless and crumpled over. She was vaguely aware of setting the disc back down on the shelf. Through her tears, Bella reached for the player and knocked it to the ground. She collapsed with it on the floor and clawed at it as she tore it apart. Her fingers began to bleed at some point but she went on as though she hardly noticed, but not because she was numb, not at all. Her nails burned with pain and her chest seized with a deep ache that reached her bones. The haze she had drifted in for months evaporated. Bella was alert, she was aware. She was hurting, but she was surviving the pain.

When all that was left of the device was scraps and jagged edges, Bella went to her other CD player that she had brought from Arizona. It was much older, and it wasn’t portable, and it sat on her nightstand with a fine layer of dust on it, but it worked just fine.

Her touch left fingerprints behind as she put the CD from Alex in it. The songs inflamed the pain, but she let it play. The fear that she would forget was worse than the ache of remembering, at least the pain meant it had been real.

Bella listened until the music ended and she laid still in her bed, staring at the ceiling, bricking up the wall to the hole in her chest, tucking the pain back away until early hours of morning.

Charlie was gone for work by the time Bella woke up. The sounds of Alex moving around the house reminded her she had work today as well. It felt bizarre to have to return to normality after last night — she shoved the phantom from her thoughts but no matter how far she tried to bury it it lingered like a mist, imperceptible and yet everywhere. 

Alex barely looked at her when she came downstairs to the kitchen. She didn’t know how to make things better, so she did the only thing she knew how to do.

“Hey,” she said timidly from the doorway. “Um… I can get you from work today, so you don’t have to always be the one getting us places on time.” Alex looked to her then, doubtful eyes picking her apart. “Look, what happened last night…”

He slowly set his mug down on the table, scrutinizing eyes boring into her. His silence was worse than his scathing anger. Suddenly Bella was desperate to make that doubtful wary look disappear from his face.

“I want to make it up to you—”

“You really think,” Alex interrupted, his voice like ice, “I trust you to be alone, with the truck no less—”

“I don’t know what came over me, okay?” Bella pleaded. “But I promise, you can trust me, and if you can’t then, start with this. Let me take the truck and drop you off at work and I’ll be there to pick you up on time when you get off instead of the other way around. Let me make it up to you.”

For some reason, Alex conceded. Maybe it was the apologetic desperation in Bella’s eyes or the fact that she looked more alive than she had in months, but Alex gave in. At least this way, if something went wrong, he’d know to put an end to trusting her with herself once and for all.

—

Newton’s Olympic Outfitters was boringly dead. The only customers that had come in the last two hours were a pair of hikers arguing over whether or not they needed to buy bear deterrents. Bella had thought she could survive the day, but with little to nothing to keep her distracted her thoughts wandered back to that sweet silken voice her mind had conjured up last night.

“You can go if you want,” Mike interrupted her zoning out. “I can handle it for the rest of the day.” 

Bella rose from leaning against the counter. “You sure?” she asked hesitantly — she didn’t want Mike sending her home early because he had noticed she was off or didn’t think she was capable of working.

“Yeah, there’s no reason both of us should have to suffer through this,” he smiled crooked.

Bella tried to muster a convincing smile back. “Thanks, Mike,” she said genuinely, removing her work vest and tucking it in the cubby behind the counter. 

“Hey, Mike, was it?” One of the hikers inquired in their direction. “Has there been any warnings or sightings of bears around here lately?”

Mike nodded to Bella and turned down the aisle. “Excellent question, my dude…”

The door closed behind Bella and the cool, wet air hit her face, waking her up and making her a bit more alert after the dreariness of her morning inside. She brisked over to the truck and cranked the heat up when it rattled to life. She and Alex would have gotten off work at the same time today, but now she had nearly an hour to kill before he’d be off, not enough time to bother going home first. Bella contemplated going back inside and putting the vest back on. She needed something to do, something to occupy her brain so her mind wouldn’t drift to… him. Not that Newton’s was much to focus on today but maybe she could’ve found another shelf to restock or another aisle to sweep. It was only the thought of making mundane conversation with Mike that kept her from going back inside. 

Alex would be better company, she thought, one of the only people she actually wanted to be around. With nothing else to do but wait for her brother Bella put the truck into drive and took off toward The Lodge, resolving to wait in the parking lot. She’d go inside if she wasn’t afraid of people trying to talk to her about how she’s been. She could already hear the “Look who’s finally appeared!” and the “Where’ve you been, it’s been so long!” 

Maybe the drive would be distracting enough. 

Bella quickly realized it wasn’t. Traffic was nonexistent, and her focus strayed further and further towards the voice. She was at the diner before she knew it. Bella put the truck into park and sagged against the driver’s door with her feet pulled up in the seat. Barely fifteen minutes of her hour to wait had passed. 

It wouldn’t be so bad if she could shut herself off like before. But now that she was awake, she couldn’t find the numbness again. It was easier in the fog, instead of having to feel everything, to think about it all against her will, her mind dredging him up in perfect detail…

It will be as if I’d never existed, he’d said. Bella let out a breath that bordered on turning into a cry, and she dropped her head into her hands. Her fingers threaded through her hair and pulled as she fought the chasm trying to open where her heart was. 

As if she could ever forget him. What a stupid, meaningless promise for him to make. He could disappear with everything, every picture, every present, but she was still changed irrevocably, could hear his voice echo in her mind flawlessly, felt the hole that had opened up in her chest. All the evidence of his existence existed solely inside of her now. 

Bella’s hands began to tremble. The water collecting at the bottom of her vision quivering with her breath, a blink away from spilling. What did it matter if she kept her promise to stay out of trouble when he could never come close to keeping his. A wave of resentment pierced her then, and she dug her nails into her scalp a little harder.

Footsteps neared the truck and Bella gasped for air and pulled herself up, hands braced on the steering wheel. She managed to swipe the tears away and saw Alex approaching the passenger side of the truck.

He regarded her for a long moment once he opened the door. “You okay?” he said quietly.

Bella swallowed down the tightness in her throat and nodded. “Yea—” her voice cracked and she cleared it again, “Yeah.”

Alex climbed into the seat and closed the door without so much as another glance. Bella focused on driving, wishing Alex might fill the silence so she wouldn’t have to think anymore.

“Please don’t lie to me,” he said once they were on the road.

Bella regretted wishing he’d talk. “I—” she huffed. “What else am I supposed to say?”

“You can say no. You can say how you feel, you can tell me what’s upset you. You can tell me if it’s because of last night or not, or if it’s something new that happened. You can tell me you don’t want to talk about it, you can say anything, Bells, just don’t lie to me. Please.”

Bella’s grip on the steering wheel tightened as she forced herself to breathe steadily. “I’m— I—” All the words caught in her throat and the flood of tears returned. She could barely see the road. The edges around the hole in her chest shook and threatened to crumble wider. Abruptly Bella pulled over and turned off the truck. She dropped her forehead against the steering wheel and her arms wrapped around herself, holding her pieces together. “I don’t want to think about it.” Her voice came out little more than a whimper. 

As if I’d never existed, his words rang through her mind. That perfect silken voice, gone. Gone but still in her head that kept it perfectly preserved if only she could hear it again. Remembering hurt, but to hear it again, that caused a different kind of ache.

“I want— I want to do something stupid, be reckless, for once, I just—”

“Okay.”

Bella stared at Alex. Surely she’d heard him wrong, but he looked at her with understanding. “Okay,” he repeated, “something reckless like what?”

“Something like, like…” Bella spied the something, leaned against the curb a few houses down. Rainwater bounced off the rusty metal motorcycles and soaked the sign next to them that read ‘AS IS’. “Like learning to ride a motorcycle,” she said. 

“Charlie hates motorcycles,” Alex remarked, following her gaze to the busted up machines.

“I know.”

“Even better then,” Alex said. They looked to each other and a heaviness between them lifted and then they were laughing. It made Bella’s stomach muscles burn, and her throat ache, but it felt good — she might've been sobbing too, she could hardly tell the difference. But they laughed. Maybe it was the nerves of breaking the rules, or the cosmic sign that had fallen right at their feet, and maybe it was relief finally seeping out that they had the other one. 

She looked to the house whose yard the bikes were in and recognized what street they were on — she’d been so distraught earlier she’d been driving on autopilot toward home. The bikes were in front of the Markses’ house, across the street from the Cheney’s. 

Bella chewed her lip, a subtle thrill of excitement or anxiety running through her as she knew what she was about to do, and the twins got out of the truck. The ever present drizzle felt like tiny drops of ice falling from the sky. Bella pulled her hood up and her sleeves over her hands and Alex shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets as they ran for cover under Markses’ porch. Bella knocked on the door before she could lose her nerve. 

Seconds ticked on. She was about to knock again when the door swung open.

A young teenage boy stood in the doorway, looking at them confused and like they were a little crazy. He wasn’t far off the twins supposed.

“Hi, um,” Bella realized she didn’t remember the kids name, only conjuring up his older brother’s name who they shared classes with. “We were wondering how much you wanted for the bikes.” She motioned over her shoulder at them in the yard.

“Uhh,” the boy looked between them. “They don’t work…”

“That’s alright, I know someone,” Alex said.

The boy shrugged. “If you say so. You can just take them, they were going to be picked up with the garbage in a few days anyway. Need any help? They’re pretty heavy.” 

“Sure, thank you,” Bella said and shivered. She felt a little useless as she more or less watched as Alex and the kid heaved each bike into the bed of the truck together. She slid behind the wheel to start the engine when Alex opened her door.

“Scoot,” he said, “I’m driving, unless you remember the way to Jake’s?” Bella shook her head and slid over to the passenger side. “That’s what I thought.”

“I’m kind of surprised you agreed to this,” Bella admitted.

Alex shrugged, not taking his eyes off the road. “I’d rather you be reckless and stupid being the clumsiest person alive trying to ride a bike while I’m around than have you walking off towards strange men outside of bars at night. And besides, you never tap into your Renee gene, it’s about time,” Alex grinned.

Bella physically cringed and screwed up her face in objection. “Do not call it that.”

About the time they were entering La Push it occured to Alex that the last time he had seen Jake in person — or even talked to him other than the one short phone call Thursday — was last weekend, and while there was nothing unusual about that, they still hadn’t exactly talked about the… kiss, if that’s what they were finally calling it. A flurry of nerves suddenly stirred in him, but he didn’t have much time to mull over his anxiety because soon they were parking outside of the garage and Jacob was already out of his house, having heard the familiar roar of the truck.

Alex’s stomach flipped at the sight of Jacob’s smile as he got out from behind the wheel, and he felt himself freezing up. Before either of them could get a word out Bella climbed down from the truck as well. Jacob’s eyes widened as they fixed on her, too shocked to fathom giving anything else his attention, and part of Alex was grateful for his sister’s horrible timing.

“I— uh, didn’t think you were coming over till tomorrow? What’s the surprise for?” Jacob stuttered carefully, eyes searching Alex’s face for some kind of clue before being pulled back to the elusive Bella.

Bella shifted her weight. “Um, sorry, but Alex said you might be able to help with… these…” she nodded toward the bed of the truck and led them over to show Jake the bikes. 

Jacob raised a brow and let out a low whistle. “Wow, scrap metal… thanks.”

Bella huffed something that sounded like a laugh and Alex tried to hide his smile. 

“Yeah, they’re… in bad shape, I know. The kid we got them from said they don’t even run anymore but I was hoping you could work some magic on them,” Bella said. “Alex swears you’re pretty good at this kind of stuff.”

Jake glanced over at Alex who was determinedly not looking at him and turning a bit pink and Jake bit back a smile too. “I can take a look at them, sure.”

“Seriously? Thank you,” Bella sighed then paused, anxious looking again. “Um, just one thing. Charlie really does not approve of motorcycles — he’d probably skin us if he knew about this.”

“Understood,” Jake grinned and lowered the gate of the truck to reach the bikes.

“You’re awesome, thanks, again,” Bella stammered. “I’m sorry for asking a lot, I can, like, pay you for doing all this — woah, do you need—” Jacob lifted and lowered the first bike to the ground with ease, “—help. Nevermind, I guess.”

Jacob laughed sunnily. “You don’t need to pay me, Bella, but these might cost some cash for parts that’ll need to be replaced...”

“Done, I’ll pay for them.”

“You sure?” he questioned, taken aback by how determined she seemed about the bikes.

“Yeah, I’ve got some money saved up anyway.” Bella glanced from the house to the shed. “You sure Billy won’t see us with these?”

“I’m positive, he doesn’t come into the garage ever, and I won’t say anything to him or Charlie,” Jake assured her as they wheeled the bikes into the garage, safely out of sight and the rain.

Realization dawned on Alex’s face. “Shit, we should probably let Charlie know we’re here before he gets worried.” A scene of Charlie getting home to an empty house with no word from either of them played in Alex’s mind and a wave of guilt washed over him. 

“I can go call him,” Bella offered. “Maybe order some food and feed you for your services since you won’t let me pay you.”

“Pay me with pizza,” Jake agreed. “Phone’s in the house. Billy will be happy to see you.”

“Cool,” Bella nodded and turned to leave the garage.

The two boys watched her enter the house, Jacob’s eyes only sliding over to Alex once the door shut behind her. When Alex finally tore his eyes away and met Jake’s, Alex was barely holding back tears.

“She’s smiling,” Alex said in disbelief.

“I know.”

“And laughing.”

“Yeah.”

“And, and she’s—” Alex gaped and gestured wildly like he was trying to catch the words from the air.

Jacob laughed and pulled Alex into a hug that lifted him onto his toes, but Alex didn’t seem to mind. He tucked his face into his arms around Jacob’s neck, and fought to hold in a sob of joy. If he let it out now, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop. Jacob squeezed Alex in his arms and Alex squeezed back. 

When they pulled apart Jake placed his hands on either side of Alex’s face and held his vibrating frame still. “Breathe, Alessio, or we'll have to make you learn how to talk again too.”

They grinned at each other and drifted closer, resting their foreheads together. Jacob’s thumb brushed against Alex’s cheek, and Alex’s hands were at Jacob’s waist, and it would be so easy, so utterly natural and effortless to lean in and let their lips meet. 

The back door of the house slammed closed and jarred them apart. Jacob dropped his hands as fast as if he’d been reaching into a cookie jar and mom just came home, and Alex turned away completely to fiddle with the stereo as Bella’s loud, splashing footsteps drew closer. 

“How long do you think it’ll be, Bells?” Alex asked when she walked in.

She shook the water off of her jacket hood. “What? I don’t know, Jacob’s the mechanic not me.”

“Not the bikes, dummy, the pizza.”

“I’m not the pizza guy either.”

It didn’t take long for Jacob to assess the bikes and begin dissecting one to start it’s long recovery. Alex instinctively pulled his stool over toward Jake to sit closer to him as he worked, sharing occasional looks with each other that made his insides flutter.

Jacob had opened the Rabbit’s door so Bella could sit in the car’s seat to watch, a pizza box balanced on her knees, providing a slice to Jake every so often as Alex handed him a tool from his other side. Bella looked around her, recognition flickering on her face as she realized she was sitting in the car Jacob had been building and she gawked, asking Jake questions about his progress.

“I can’t believe you’re almost done with this, last time we talked you still had like half a car to go,” she said.

“Well, if you hung around more often it wouldn’t be so surprising,” Jake chided.

“Yeah, well, I guess these bikes were a pretty good excuse to get me over here finally. Now your problem is going to be making me leave.”

Jake smirked. “You sound like your brother.”

—

The twins went straight to Jacob’s Sunday, and Charlie had been nearly beside himself when he learned Bella was going with Alex again, and with Harry and Billy planned to come over to watch the game, Charlie practically glowed with contentment as the twins left. He deserves it, Bella thought as Alex drove them toward La Push. 

They were only just climbing out of the truck when Harry pulled into the Black’s driveway beside them, and as soon as he and Billy were gone, Jacob, Alex, and Bella were scrambling to get back in the truck. The eagerness felt good, Bella realized, it was nice to feel excited for something again.

“You should probably let me drive,” Jacob said to Alex who held the keys in his hand.

Alex quirked his head to the side and a subtle smirk formed on his lips. “Oh really? Why’s that?”

“I know my way to the scrapyard better,” Jake stated pointedly. “You’ve only been one other time with me, you don’t know where you’re going.”

“You can direct me,” Alex scoffed and held the keys further away from Jake. “I let you drive one time,” he tsked.

Jacob narrowed his eyes witheringly at Alex holding the keys away from him and Bella realized she was smirking too.

“We both know I’ll win at this game, Alex,” he said and reached out with a long arm to swipe at the keys. 

Alex stumbled back just in time to be out of his reach and laughed. “You have to get them from me first.”

Jacob was faster the next time. He threw an arm around Alex’s waist so he couldn’t run out of his reach again, and despite Alex holding the keys out as far as he could, Jacob was still much taller and easily plucked it out of his hands with a satisfied cackle.

Bella was laughing with them, the feeling still so strange and foreign. But it felt good. 

The truck was just big enough for the three of them, Jacob driving with Alex in the middle and Bella by the passenger window. She had known Jake and Alex were close, really close, but there was something else there that was much more obvious than it used to be, something she had missed seeing grow in her months inside the fog.

It should hurt, she thought, to see them like this. To be around this should remind her of what she had taken from her. But the pain didn’t quite come. It felt good to be surrounded by something gentle and bright between the two of them, to witness a beginning instead of being so focused on her ending.

By the time they were leaving the scrapyard with their few lucky finds, Bella felt light, buoyant almost. They headed to the auto parts store next. It was a longer drive, and a few minutes in Bella remembered the glovebox in front of her and opened it. She dug through the tapes piled in there and picked one out while Alex silently watched from the corner of his eyes. It was impossible for him to not smile when she put the tape in and music played.

Jacob knew the auto parts place inside and out, having visited for projects over the years a hundred times, and it should have made for a quick and easy trip — except that Bella and Alex however had not been been there before, and Jacob suddenly felt a sharp pang of empathy for Renee as he tried to find all the things left on his list and keep the twins on track with him. Bella had tripped at least three times on various things in the aisles, including over her own feet, before they even made it halfway down the list, and Alex had a bad habit of wanting to touch anything and everything. 

“I was just seeing what it was,” he protested when Jacob had dragged him back from an aisle he’d been left behind in while distracted. 

If this was what they were like as budding adults, Jacob couldn’t fathom the innocent chaos of them as little kids. Every time he’d have them both next to him again, one would escape the corner of his sight and he’d turn his head sharply, making sure that Bella wasn’t suddenly on the floor or Alex hadn’t wandered off toward the closest shiny thing.

“Don’t worry, I promised I’d stay close,” Alex said just above a whisper after Jake had turned his head to look for him. Alex had been a step or two behind him, but quickened to walk closer, an arm brushing Jacob’s. “If you still don’t believe me you can always hold my hand.” His voice lowered and his knuckles grazed Jacob’s fingers.

Slow heat rose to Jake’s face and he rolled his eyes at the teasing comment, but when their hands brushed again Jacob tentatively laced their fingers together, hands discreetly kept down by their sides.

—

The light in the overcast sky was beginning to dim when the trio covered the bikes with a large tarp and left Jacob’s garage. Bella had noticed yesterday, but even more so that afternoon, her brother’s newfound mechanic’s knowledge. It was obvious from whom he’d been learning from, and it made sense when she thought about how much time Alex and Jacob spent together, but it didn’t stop her from being surprised every time he understood Jake’s rambling about this problem or that part. If anything, the more she watched the two of them, she wondered why she’d been surprised at all.

Charlie was just pulling into the Black’s driveway with Billy when Bella, Alex, and Jacob made it inside the house, followed closely behind by the Clearwater's. It was a surreal moment, but not a bad one — none of them could remember the last time they’d had a dinner like this together, not since any of the kids had entered double digits at the very least. The three families crowded around the small kitchen table, and even with Leah and Alex opting to lean against the counter to eat, they ran out of chairs and the room was crowded full. 

Bella sat next to Jake at the table, who was only half on a chair as he’d agreed to share it with the youngest Clearwater. Seth was still the eager, talkative, and innocent-eyed boy Bella remembered, but he’d grown like a weed, standing taller than both her and his mother, and nearly as tall as his sister. 

Bella regarded Leah sitting at the edge of the counter with Alex. She’d hardly given Bella a second look since they’d arrived, immediately going over to Alex and falling into hushed conversation, leaned toward one another in an attempt to not be overheard by the parents in the room. Despite their attempted privacy, they’d caught the attention of Charlie and Harry. The two dads were sharing a look with one another and eying their children. 

Bella snorted. “Are they always like that or is this something new?” she asked Jacob between Seth’s endless questions and sharing, and nodded towards Charlie and Harry across the table.

Jacob rolled his eyes at the dads. “No, they’re always like that,” he sighed. Bella had never seen Jacob be anything other than sunshiny until that moment, as he threw a fleeting, annoyed glare at Charlie and Harry.

“Oh,” she answered simply, but she was looking at Jake. Bella smiled fully and genuinely, unprompted by anything other than a single fragile seed of happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, feedback is welcomed and valued!


End file.
